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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Love bomber alert

53 replies

Toooldforthis37 · 09/02/2020 21:13

I'm having a tough time online dating!! Met a very wealthy, successful business man before Christmas and we have been dating. He chased me from the start, messaging me frequently, taking me out for lovely meals, constant calls, texts, telling me he will take me to Rome next month etc. The last date we had he told me he was falling for me and we had the exclusivity chat, so far so good. I have been far less full on with him but he knows I like him. We met Wednesday and since then he has cooled right off.... the messages and calls reduced and when I tried to arrange a meet up this week he was vague. I don't get why men do this, act so full on and then run when you start to reciprocate the interest. I do like him so wondered if I should a) distance myself and see if his interest levels increase again b) call him out and acknowledge his decline in interest and ask if he is wanting this to continue c) continue as I was before when all was ok....? Thanks ladies x

OP posts:
Ogham · 10/02/2020 09:34

Reeks of narcissism!! - “it makes you paranoid as you start to question yourself” - that is what he wants. Please don’t continue this relationship as you will end up tying yourself in knots trying to figure him out. There is nothing to figure out, he’s a narc and your his toy to mess around with. MAJOR red flags!! - leave him to it and just know that you will constantly be questioning yourself if you stay with him.

ChristmasFluff · 10/02/2020 09:37

Anyone who blows hot and cold is emotionally unavailable. Unless this is what you want, bail now.

Honeyroar · 10/02/2020 12:06

Ooh aren’t they annoying when they do this! Good luck talking to him about it.

bumblebrambles · 10/02/2020 12:09

Don't waste your time on him. He's playing games with you. Sorry you're dealing with this.

Original poster
Toooldforthis37 · 10/02/2020 12:44

What frustrates me is the complete inability to be honest... a quick 'thanks but I'm not feeling this anymore' would suffice. I'm calling it off this evening.

OP posts:
anotherdisaster · 10/02/2020 12:46

You do right OP. Talking to him will be pointless as he will deny it. Just tell him that you aren't feeling it anymore.

Funkycats · 10/02/2020 12:52

You're doing the right thing. It's hard though. I have been there too.
Look up 'Mr Unavailable and the fallback girl' by Natalie Lue. It explains a lot. She also has a log called Baggage Reclaim which I found useful.

Funkycats · 10/02/2020 12:53

Actually it's a blog. Proof reading fail Blush

Lipz · 10/02/2020 13:07

Very strange when this happens. Have read about it happening alot on here. I think though before ending it I'd have to ask a few questions, but that's me, I'd be wondering otherwise.

okiedokieme · 10/02/2020 13:09

Hard to say, I certainly am aware I pulled back a bit because I realised how I was feeling and worried it was too soon, but it only lasted a week before I realised that it was meant to be, we would work out the tricky bits together - I'm moving in June or so. I was scared to be honest (I'm not divorced yet) but I'm sitting waiting for him now and I'm on top of the world!

Original poster
Toooldforthis37 · 10/02/2020 13:25

The trouble is by asking the question, if there's no issue it will make him run anyway as I'll look all insecure... this is honestly such a headf*ck. Lesson for me about not investing too soon next time.

OP posts:
edwinbear · 10/02/2020 13:43

I've just been ghosted by a man displaying the exact same traits. Last week he too was 'falling for me', but wasn't available to meet or message because he was working so hard 'so he could be with me'. I'd made him, 'him' again, apparently I was the 'most amazing and hottest person he'd ever met'. He last messaged me last Saturday saying he'd 'call me in a bit' after which, I can only assume he was abducted by aliens Grin.

I just really wish I'd got in there first to save my pride. Suggest you do OP! Beat him at his own game.

Original poster
Toooldforthis37 · 10/02/2020 14:03

Oh Edwinbear I'm sorry. What's wrong with these men?!!

OP posts:
Legallybleachblonde · 10/02/2020 18:28

Have you spoken to him OP? I was wondering, had he been in a long term relationship/marriage prior to meeting you? About 10 months after I had split with my exH, I started seeing someone and was totally crazy about them from the start, to the point I was panicking they might not feel the same. I suppose we love bombed each other but I instigated it. And then, out of nowhere, I did a complete emotional u-turn. I just wasnt ready you see - I was in love with the idea of being in love and needed to feel wanted. The one thing I didnt do though was 'go quiet'. I explained this to him and ended it. Anyway, just a thought!

Original poster
Toooldforthis37 · 10/02/2020 20:36

He has been divorced 6 years x

OP posts:
SavageBeauty73 · 10/02/2020 20:41

I've had this so many times. Online dating is BRUTAL!!!

I can't seem to meet a nice man on the same page 🤷‍♀️

sunnydays78 · 11/02/2020 00:38

How did you get on op

Zaphodsotherhead · 11/02/2020 10:00

Do you only have his word that he's a 'successful wealthy businessman'? Because I'd wonder if your relationship had got to the stage where he's actually going to have to admit to being (eg) a local taxi owner, so he's backpedalling rapidly before you find out.

His entire life, and the future-faking (Rome trip, etc) could be a fantasy.

Innertwist · 11/02/2020 10:18

I'm not so sure it's his behaviour now that's the problem.

The constant calls & texts were probably the first indicator that he isn't a long term partner.

If he's a love bomber it's unlikely you'll end up in a good place.

Original poster
Toooldforthis37 · 11/02/2020 12:43

Innertwist I'm intrigued, why do people love bomb?

OP posts:
Funkycats · 11/02/2020 12:50

OP it's a classic narcissistic red flag. A way of getting you under their control. There is a guy called HG Tudor (narcsite.com) who explains it well. He refers to the Golden Period, and in effect you spend the rest of your relationship trying to recapture that time.
It's very interesting. Best to look it up as I can't explain it as well as he can (he is a self proclaimed narcissistic himself)

user18463585026 · 11/02/2020 12:58

Why do abusers people lovebomb?

Why do fishermen use lures?

Onemansoapopera · 11/02/2020 13:29

He is allowed to just go off you without prior warning. Everyone on MN says it, no reason needs to be given to end a relationship, just not feeling it enough. Ps you'll wait for hell to freeze over before a man will admit to a woman's face he's just gone off her... They can't cope with the emotions. So I think it's safe to assume he has. Lovebombing is just a sign of emotional immaturity - falling too fast too soon. But then again so is falling for it. Future planning with someone after 12 meetings? We owe it up ourselves to keep a big old pinch of salt close by at all times.

Original poster
Toooldforthis37 · 11/02/2020 19:32

Onemansoapopera I take offense at the emotional immaturity slight. I was married 12 years and my ignorance at the ways of the world of modern dating is more to do with the fact it has been almost 20 years since I was last on the scene.

OP posts:
Onemansoapopera · 11/02/2020 19:56

Please don't it wasn't meant offensively, more matter of fact, I think.

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