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Original poster

Adult Step Children

29 replies

Anonymous2016 · 09/02/2020 20:07

Evening everyone,

Just looking for some advice as this scenario is going over and over in my head just lately.

Long story short

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years, he has 3 adult children and in the 5 years 2 of them have tried to live with us twice each. Now the middle one is 20 and wants to live with us again when we go abroad for the summer and work (we do seasonal work in two countries).

A year ago my partner and the son who wants to live with us had a big argument and he was kicked out and went back to his mum, each time any of his children come the whole atmosphere of the house changes, our relationship changes and I don’t feel like I live in my own home anymore, children are lazy, we end up paying for everything and generally zero responsibility for anything.

I told my partner the last time he came and left that it was the last time I could handle it as that was already the second time and I stress and anxiety I endured made me ill.

Like I said now it’s all happening again and we have a conflict on what should and shouldn’t happen.

Thanks for listening

OP posts:
HalfBiscuit · 09/02/2020 20:35

Tell the child no.

What does DP think?

mindutopia · 09/02/2020 20:38

Well, if you’ve been together 5 years and the middle one is 20. These aren’t really ‘adult stepchildren’. They’ve been teenagers and are at most now college/uni age. It’s very normal for children this age to still live with their parents for periods of time (they often get kicked out of accommodation outside of term time if they are in college/uni) and don’t earn enough to easily live independently, especially if they are studying. That is normal. If they are working full time, your partner could discuss them paying a small amount of rent. But this seems like more an issue between the two of you than anything to do with them.

Original poster
Anonymous2016 · 09/02/2020 20:51

He carries a lot of guilt for leaving I think so he tolerates all the bad behavior and doesn’t set any rules. He did agree with me that the last two times were the last chance with us but now there’s a change of heart apparently...

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonymous2016 · 09/02/2020 20:54

Yes they were children when we met but his son is not working, does not study, and hasn’t been since he left school early because of his behavior.

This would be the third time we have had him now if it happens and the times previous we allowed him to work within our business and he didn’t even bother to get up and when he did come he fell asleep at work, he demands luxury items, car, expects food cooked, washing done, like I said that’s happened twice already and the last time was only last January and now it’s happening again.

He is more than capable to get off his arse and get a job but he would rather live off either his mother or father, depending who he gets along with better at the time

OP posts:
HalfBiscuit · 09/02/2020 21:02

Who did his washing and cooking? You or his Dad?

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/02/2020 21:04

What will happen if you say no? If he says yes, will you still want to go or could you duck out?

Original poster
Anonymous2016 · 09/02/2020 21:06

Me not the father. He’s tried to talk to his son but in a polite manner and it doesn’t go through to him because he thinks it’s his dad and he can do what he wants. No respect that the house is my home and treats it like when he lives with his mother. I understand my partner wants to help but how many chances can you keep giving, it’s almost like he feels like a bad father if he forces him to be responsible and self sufficient

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonymous2016 · 09/02/2020 21:08

I can’t duck out because of work commitments and our home is there. I have said if there is accommodation and a job lined up for him then we can help towards some costs but it seems like the only way is if he’s with us full time again which I don’t think will work from my side.

OP posts:
isadoradancing123 · 09/02/2020 21:15

Well for a start i would not be shopping, cooking or washing for him, and would not tolerated any rudeness, why would you put up with his behaviour

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/02/2020 21:18

it’s almost like he feels like a bad father if he forces him to be responsible and self sufficient

You and I know he’s obviously completely wrong but this dynamic has been in place a long time and it’s going to change if your partner doesn’t want it to.

It’s your house. You’re not married so it really is your own house. So you only need to host people there who you choose. It wouldn’t work for me either. But what will happen if you put your foot down? Will your partner just overrule you and let his son come anyway? Might your partner refuse to go? I’m not sure what you think seems likely.

Original poster
Anonymous2016 · 09/02/2020 21:19

I tried to be understanding for my partners sake at the beginning but now it’s just takes the biscuit.

OP posts:
SoloMummy · 09/02/2020 21:19

If you start a relationship with someone with 3 children you accept that you are acknowledging that for your partner his responsibilities don't end when they turn 18 or after you got peeved when they resided with you for a time and behaved like many teens and young adults.

That is part of being a step parent and being with someone who has children.

Yabu.

You need to find a way for you to build positive relationships and make such stays comfortable for all. Perhaps you need as much of an attitude change as the the children do!

Good parents don't turn their back on their children and if he is forced to by you, you will have totally changed the dynamics of your relationship and damaged it long term I suspect.

Try and be a little maternal, Understanding and forgiving.

Original poster
Anonymous2016 · 09/02/2020 21:22

If I’m honest I think he will overrule me and bring the son, and then spout some bs about how he will find him accommodation once he’s settled abit. My partner will definitely leave because again of work commitments.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonymous2016 · 09/02/2020 21:25

I’m not asking him to turn his back on his children, but he is 20 years of age and has absolutely no plan and thinks he’s entitled to live off other people which is not on. When this is his third chance with us it’s very difficult to be understanding. He’s not got any problems in life and had a good upbringing it’s just a sense of entitlement.

OP posts:
Techway · 09/02/2020 21:55

I don't think your dp can give up on his son but he does need to learn parenting strategies.

Yout partner cant put your needs over his son and has to decide to deal with him in his own way. Otherwise he will resent you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/02/2020 22:00

Try and be a little maternal, Understanding and forgiving.

Woman be nice Hmm

OP, it’s your house. It’s your work. It’s got to be a joint decision to include another adult in your plans and if you don’t agree and he’s planning to simply ignore your wishes then your relationship isn’t a good one.

Drum2018 · 09/02/2020 22:06

I'd just say no. You've tried before, seems the son just takes the piss, so if nothing changes or gets better then why would you agree to go through it all again? Where is his mother in all of this? Is he just going from her to your house and back again?

Original poster
Anonymous2016 · 09/02/2020 22:26

His mother encourages him to go back and forth. He’s currently living with her. She allows him to do whatever he wants and gives him whatever he wants and there is no motivation for him to get work and become self sufficient.

OP posts:
HalfBiscuit · 09/02/2020 22:35

How will your husband respond if you inform him that you will be doing zero cooking and cleaning for him? Will he do this for him?

Original poster
Anonymous2016 · 09/02/2020 22:42

He will ask me why can’t I be helpful and supportive and if I’m cooking anyway why can’t I make an extra plate.

First time he lived with us I did all cooking and cleaning, second time I said i won’t be doing it and somehow ended up doing it.

We go food shopping and straight away half of it’s gone because he just helps himself to anything he likes aslong as he doesn’t have to prepare it, leaves stuff around the house, it goes on and on. He’s not a horrible person but i don’t want him in my house full time again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonymous2016 · 09/02/2020 22:44

No my partner won’t pick up after him unless I refuse and it’s left for days and days and an argument irrupts.

OP posts:
Itwasntme1 · 09/02/2020 22:46

So for argument sake, you got together when these kids were say 13, 15 and 18?

You Describe them as adults and while technically I assume they are, but the youngest must be what 18?

I think most parents would allow a 20 to live with them, but would put in place boundaries.

I think you have to say your husband needs to parent his children, enforce rules if they want to live with you. But also accept your husbands feelings of responsibility here. If you come between him and his children there is a danger he will always blame you for the resulting estrangement.

This will pass, in a few years they will be fully gored independent adults, this hopefully is just that shitty in between phase.

DemelzaandRoss · 10/02/2020 00:20

YABU. My children would be welcome at any age.

Chocmallows · 10/02/2020 00:26

YANBU, My children would be welcome at any age, but only if they took age-appropriate responsibility for their behaviour. You're right, he needs to engage in training or work and play a role in housework.

AgentJohnson · 10/02/2020 05:55

You don’t have a step child problem, you have a lazy parent and entitled partner problem.

You do not have any control over your partner’s behaviour and the long term impact that his piss poor parenting has on you and his child.

Given what you’ve written, if you stand your ground, he will manipulate and goad you into doing exactly what he wants,

This is who he is and compartmentalising his shitty parenting, is a lot easier when there isn’t a child around to parent.

When push comes to shove, being a Disney dad will always take precedent over his relationship with you and you know this. His talk and no action is the price you pay by choosing to stay in a relationship with him.

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