Adult Step Children

[Anonymous2016]

Evening everyone,

Just looking for some advice as this scenario is going over and over in my head just lately.

Long story short

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years, he has 3 adult children and in the 5 years 2 of them have tried to live with us twice each. Now the middle one is 20 and wants to live with us again when we go abroad for the summer and work (we do seasonal work in two countries).

A year ago my partner and the son who wants to live with us had a big argument and he was kicked out and went back to his mum, each time any of his children come the whole atmosphere of the house changes, our relationship changes and I don’t feel like I live in my own home anymore, children are lazy, we end up paying for everything and generally zero responsibility for anything.

I told my partner the last time he came and left that it was the last time I could handle it as that was already the second time and I stress and anxiety I endured made me ill.

Like I said now it’s all happening again and we have a conflict on what should and shouldn’t happen.

Thanks for listening

you're better off living on your own than 'sharing' a house with other adults who you end up slaving after.

You need to lay down the law first with your partner and then with his son. Tell your partner that you found his approach the last time caused an environment you found untenable. Tell him he must commit to the pair of you making decisions and support you.

Try and remember this is his child and he is hurting from the fallout of his messy upbringing even though he sounds unbearable. I'm saying that from the very unpopular position of finding my own stepkids quite unpleasant most of the time. I remind myself every day that when you choose to get into a relationship with a father, you have to accept them as a package no matter what.

Next lay down big ground rules and enforce them yourself. Meet up with stepson and tell him you are going to talk to him as an adult as he is no longer a child. Tell him you found it too difficult the last time so things will need to be different if he is to move back in. Then draw up a list of rules - be detailed; housework, him finding work and handing up a portion, general interacton etc

I have adult step children. The relationship with adult step children is notoriously difficult, sometimes impossible. After 10 years I now get on with one of the 30+ steps plus his gf very well. His daughter continues to be a nightmare. I totally understand your feelings of being taken over and taken for granted. But there's not much you can do. 20 is very young and most 20 year olds should feel free to live with their parent. Some ground rules should be in place I think. But like yours, my DH used to turn a total blind eye to the entitlement and rudeness of one of his adult children. Guilt causes this, he left their mother, and there's the fear that they will write him out of their lives.

You have to think deeply about whether you really want this relationship with your DP. If so, I think the steps are part of the package. I get the feeling you don't have your own children. I do and I resolved to try to treat them all equally to try to sort out what's reasonable or not. So if I thought my daughter should do her own washing, I'd think his should too (they are the same age). I guess you have to think what a 20 year old male should be doing and try to help your DP to see that setting some guidelines is good parenting. So make the boy welcome but set him tasks and discuss his plans with him. What sort of job will he get? Is he going to study?

And if he descends on you and behaves badly and DP does not do anything about it, I'm afraid you will have to think hard about whether you can stay in the relationship. Over time my DH has changed. He now recognises that his daughter has serious problems and that brings me some relief. It's not easy but I don't feel so exploited and ignored.