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Original poster

If one of you is a v high earner and the other one isn't, how do you deal with it?

31 replies

CremeEggMonster · 09/02/2020 19:21

I'm just interested to hear what you do. I earn 20x what dp does but I am not a spender at all. I was brought up by hippy parents who didn't believe in possessions so I don't find spending money makes me happy. So generally every month I only spend money on travel and food. I am a generous and kind person when it comes to spending money on others though as I understand to other people that possessions do mean something!

Dp is a spender. We have our own separate accounts but also a joint account (which only I contribute into because dp's salary is used up on child maintenance and spousal maintenance and then things like his phone bill). Dp is a greater user than me of the joint account as he works from home and does all the shopping and the cooking.

It hasn't actually bothered me till recently when a) I think his spending has upped a notch, it's almost as if he wants something he just gets it and he buys stuff every day b) his ex has been implying she should get more maintenance as she knows I'm a high earner and feels dp is living the life of Riley.

I can afford the money in the joint account but what would you do? I find it hard to rationalise this because buying stuff is so meaningless to me...

OP posts:
hopeishere · 09/02/2020 19:29

Do you plan to marry and have children?

We don't have a joint account (cue mumsnet gasp!) and when we were earning different amount we just split things out and he paid for more. If I wanted "stuff" clothes - fripperies it came from my own money.

Dasbouncemachine · 09/02/2020 19:29

I earn a lot more than DP. We put everything in the joint account, then take £200 each for personal spending. All bills come from the joint, and everything for the baby, house, food etc. Anything left over goes into savings. I contribute 3x more than him but we both have nice cars etc, go on holiday, I couldn't see him be without but he wouldn't be able to afford it if we went 50/50

Original poster
CremeEggMonster · 09/02/2020 19:33

Definitely won't have kids (both late 40s) hope and I can't see myself marrying again (just because I went through an awful divorce 8 years ago and don't fancy it again!).

Maybe the way to do it is to allocate an amount for his spending dasbounce and if he's spent it, then that's it

OP posts:
TriangleBingoBongo · 09/02/2020 19:38

My DH earnt 4x what I did when we met and I was a single lady living in my own property and supporting myself (so doing ok). But he’s tight as a ducks arse so it’s never been an issue as there’s never been a marked difference in expenditure bar the fact he drove a better car and lived in a bigger house.

otterhound · 09/02/2020 19:40

I am sure you both realise his ex has no right to your money and DP should under no circumstances pander to her wishes.

Re accounts it was simple. Joint account for mortgag, bills, chidren etc

Own accounts for personal spending. So if I wanted a new gadget it came from my money. If my wife wanted say a new bag it came from hers. Expensive things for the house came from savings and was a joint decision

TriangleBingoBongo · 09/02/2020 19:41

Oh and how we cope... we pool our finances, although he does have savings dotted about which I know about but don’t have access to because those accounts existed before our marriage (nor do I need it). I don’t feel comfortable being frivolous with our joint money because I know he isn’t. I would run it by him if I wanted something expensive that wasn’t for the family. Except on the odd occasion when I know he won’t agree, but that’s happened maybe once! He has done the same and one both occasions it’s been important to us.

2020BetterBeBetter · 09/02/2020 19:42

I generally just spend his money. Blush

cptartapp · 09/02/2020 19:44

DH is a high earner and earns x5 what I do. We each put a %of our salary into joint account for bills, DC, holidays etc via direct debit and the rest is for each of us to spend as we wish. He is more of a spender, I a saver. Have been married for 19 years and together for 28 so obviously this works well for us.

Newmetoday · 09/02/2020 19:45

DH earned 10 x what I did. We put everything into one pot. Even retired, he gets more pension than I earn. He has never once complained about my contribution and has never questioned spending.

AnotherEmma · 09/02/2020 19:47

Joint account for bills. You should each pay an amount that's proportionate to your earnings, so if you really earn 20x what he does (Shock) I guess that means you'll pay in £2000 for every £100 he pays in. That money is used for essentials and shared expenses like mortgage/rent, council tax, utilities, food shopping, meals and trips out together, holidays etc.

But individual personal expenditure on mobile phone, clothes, presents for each other, his spending on his child, child maintenance and spousal maintenance etc, should all come out of personal accounts.

If he hasn't got money in his own account for his own spending then he shouldn't use the joint account for it.

MrsL2016 · 09/02/2020 19:48

Can I ask if the agreement for child and spousal maintenance is through CSA and/or a divorce agreement? It shouldn't be taking up the majority of his salary so he can only pay a few personal bills. How would he cope if he was single? Has his salary changed? If so then the amount he pays to ex should change to reflect that.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/02/2020 19:50

20x his income really is a significant difference. Does he work full time for at least minimum wage?

Original poster
CremeEggMonster · 09/02/2020 19:51

Thanks all, it's food for thought!

Yes otter though I must admit it has wound me up. She actually insisted on an emergency meeting with us and both dp and I were worried something was up with the dcs and it was just a meeting for her demanding more cash from him in front of me so it was pointed towards me too Hmm

I think it's more problematic because of our differing views to spending money but it sounds like you all worked a way out!

OP posts:
Techway · 09/02/2020 19:53

Joint account is fine for bills but agree an amount that is transferred to own accounts for personal spends. Once he is spent then he has to wait for next month.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/02/2020 19:55

Typically in relationships with massively disproportionate incomes there are joint children. One of the parents then cut back on their earning to shoulder more of the childcare. All income is generally perceived as shared.

In this case, unless he has his dd tons, then he should be covering his keep and looking to maximise his earnings if he wants a more luxurious lifestyle.

Fair enough if you want to holiday or whatever and pay for him, but at the moment it looks like you pay for all bills and his fritter money and he isn't even shouldering any childcare in return.

Original poster
CremeEggMonster · 09/02/2020 19:59

mrsL yes it is through CSA but he also had other debt as 2 years ago (while we were going out but before he moved in with me) he lost his job and got into debt as he carried on paying rent where he was and given he's a low earner, he doesn't have much savings and soon ran out of cash. He got another job but paying less than the one before so he was struggling to make ends meet. His salary now pays off his debt and the CM/SM. He also still has equity in the house he and his ex own together and is currently being sold. They have been divorced for 5 years and quite frankly should have sold the house years ago because there's no way they could afford it once they split up.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 09/02/2020 20:08

I don’t see how it’s possible that he is quite a low earner but all his earnings are taken up by child and spousal maintenance. Child maintenance is such a tiny percentage and spousal maintenance is the norm, except in rare cases of an imbalance in incomes with one partner being an unusually high earner. And still it would be a percentage of earnings not a set amount. If he can’t afford his phone bill, he needs to get a cheaper phone/plan.

Joint expenses should be joint but he still needs to pay in a proportion of his income, unless he works part time to care for your children (doesn’t sound like that’s the case). I wouldn’t be giving him spending money just to spend on his own things. That is fair in a relationship where one partner works less to take up more parenting or caring responsibilities, but this sort of sounds more like he just needs to cut his spending and maybe pick up a bit more work or look for a better paying job. I think paying for joint things you’ll both enjoy (like a nicer house in your name or a big long haul holiday) is fair enough, and paying a bigger proportion of joint expenses, but not all.

otterhound · 09/02/2020 20:11

Wow OP .... I hope she left with a flea in her ear!!

I think you need to work to put financial boundaries in place - ie my lovely sil would wound be able to spend £10,000 a month if she had access to it - some people just have to buy stuff.

And in your case you’re not married and dont have kids he is literally helping himself you your money

SoloMummy · 09/02/2020 20:14

If a year had passed he can get his spousal maintenance reviewed. That sounds like a good starting point to me.

Wer2Next · 09/02/2020 20:15

Dont be a mug. Protect yourself. He landed on his feet didn't he?

MrsL2016 · 09/02/2020 20:25

If he has a lower wage then his child maintenance needs to be reviewed. I also agree with PP that spousal maintenance is not the norm. Was he on a much higher wage when they were married? Usually it is granted so a level of lifestyle can be maintained for the children. If he has debt than he needs to focus on clearing that and then he can start contributing more to the household. He shouldn't be using your money to splurge when he has debts. He really does have it good at the moment.

HalfBiscuit · 09/02/2020 20:34

He sounds like he's taking the piss out of your good nature and high earnings.

Do NOT marry him, and absolutely do not agree to increase CM based on your earnings.

BeaStoic · 09/02/2020 20:44

How much do you earn, OP???

GrumpyHoonMain · 09/02/2020 20:46

I don’t see what you’re getting out of this marriage. Dump him.

AnotherEmma · 09/02/2020 20:56

They're not married luckily

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