If one of you is a v high earner and the other one isn't, how do you deal with it?

[CremeEggMonster]

I'm just interested to hear what you do. I earn 20x what dp does but I am not a spender at all. I was brought up by hippy parents who didn't believe in possessions so I don't find spending money makes me happy. So generally every month I only spend money on travel and food. I am a generous and kind person when it comes to spending money on others though as I understand to other people that possessions do mean something!

Dp is a spender. We have our own separate accounts but also a joint account (which only I contribute into because dp's salary is used up on child maintenance and spousal maintenance and then things like his phone bill). Dp is a greater user than me of the joint account as he works from home and does all the shopping and the cooking.

It hasn't actually bothered me till recently when a) I think his spending has upped a notch, it's almost as if he wants something he just gets it and he buys stuff every day b) his ex has been implying she should get more maintenance as she knows I'm a high earner and feels dp is living the life of Riley.

I can afford the money in the joint account but what would you do? I find it hard to rationalise this because buying stuff is so meaningless to me...

The issue isn't that you earn more, it's that he spend more and you dont like it.

I think in that situation the best thing is to agree to a personal spending budget each, and what kind of thing is included in that.

I earn way more than dh. Money all pooled. Frankly, there isn't a lot of spare cash so neither of us are particularly big spenders. I probably spend a bit more than him on a day to day basis but he is more likely to want to spend on occasional bigger things. Assuming her have the cash, we are both happy for the other to spend.

He sounds like a complete user. What a cheek to buy whatever he wants from your money. You said he’s a spender and has a lot of debts, well you’re facilitating his unrestricted spending and he’s taking advantage of you. Do you have a separate account of your own? If so, start limiting the amount you pay into the joint account so it covers the bills, food and essentials and maybe a bit extra of you like, but not so much that he can spend whatever he likes, whenever he likes. It must be getting pretty ridiculous if his ex sees you as his main source of income. Don’t let him take you for a ride financially.

We have only got joint accounts. He gets paid into the joint current account and everything comes out of it. Everything I earn gets paid into a joint savings account and isn’t touched.
Tbh I’m a bit lax with spending from the current and should really rein it in whereas he barely spends a thing. I’d run it past him though before buying large things or ‘wants’ rather than needs.

I earn 2x what my DP earns, and we're both good earners. We have a joint account for bills, and a set amount for joint savings, the rest we keep ourselves.

Contributions to the joint account are in proportion to salary, so for every £1k he puts in, I put in £2k. Our monthly bills are pretty hefty (£6k) as we have two under 3 in full time childcare, plus a big mortgage.

If I was you, I'd use the joint account for bills and savings, like we do. If you earn 20x more than he does, it would mean that for every £100 he puts in the joint account, you put in £2,000.

It sounds like he's just spending your money to me, which isn't on, especially with such a disparity. If you're earning 20x more than him and he's on the average wage of £25k, he's making the most of your £500k!

Another issue is what you would be doing with your income if either you were single or dp wasn't a spender.

Are you saving what you want to save etc? What sort of stuff is he buying? When will he have paid his debts off? What proportion of your income goes into the joint account?

On one hand, if you're in a relationship it would be weird him living on value baked beans while you could afford to dine out every night. On the other, it's not pleasant feeling taken advantage of.

Thanks all - He does contribute in other ways, I didn't want to make this about our relationship, which is in a good place and although some of my dcs have left home, I still have one at home living with us (who has SN). But I also don't want to be taken for a mug.

Based on most of your examples, a set spending amount is a good idea and I think that's how I'll move forward with it!