Feels like my Dad puts me down infront of DH

[Tutters]

Am I over-reacting?
I am feeling upset by some of my Dad's comments infront of DH and today, I called him out on it and had to leave the house to calm down. Dad apologised but clearly had no idea he had done anything wrong.

On Sundays, DH cooks. I cook 5 meals out of 7 and DH cooks 2. Dad came to visit and he declared "Oh, here's DH cooking AGAIN." My Dad only ever visits on Sundays so DH is always cooking during his visits. My Dad has translated this to DH always cooks, despite me cooking for Dad just last week!

Anyway, then DH says "oh yes I make sure her dinner is on the table when she gets home from work on Sundays."

I laughed and bantered back "well you're 2 hours late because I was home 2 hours ago."
DH and I laugh.
My Dad blurts out all seriously, "you ought to be grateful that DH is cooking your meal."

I stood confused and angry for a few seconds before calling my Dad out on this and the implied sexism, he then says "you can't take a joke."
He wasn't joking though.

This is the second time this sort of thing has happened in the last month. A few weeks ago, we were having a meal with Dad and DH and my children when, after selecting meals for the children who have allergies and DH and Dad seeing to themselves, DH said " she's always the last to decide." (They had to wait a minute or 2 for me to choose.)
Although slightly irritated that they only had to focus on themselves, I shrugged it off and bantered back "well it's easy for some men around here when they only have themselves to think about isn't it."
Dad jumped at me on this occasion too and said "somebody got out of the wrong side of bed this morning, there is no need for that." Whilst glaring me. Although there had been implications in my response I'd said it as a joke.

I was furious but kept quiet and carried on entertaining the children whilst DH and Dad chatted away.

I'm fed up of his put downs and why is my Dad seemingly allowed to banter and I'm not? I don't see him too often thankfully but I am not enjoying his company and I'm upset and disappointed that he seems to have these weird, sexist views.

I spoke to my Mum who is gladly separated from him and she says he is sexist. She says that he never allowed her to banter, although would joke with other women. I am his daughter though, surely he should have my back and big me up infront of DH as opposed to putting me down?

It's like he forms a boys club and I'm not invited.

What's going on and how do I deal with this?

Tell your Dad to piss off... he's being a DICK... grab a glass of wine and enjoy your meal OP.

It feels like he's out of order and yet he still has this way of making me feel guilty for calling him out.

It has taken a while for DH to pull his weight more at home and since I started working most weekends, it has helped. It's like Dad has proclaimed DH as brilliant just for taking some of the responsibility. After the altercation, as DH was plating up a simple (but lovely) honey roast pork and mashed potato, my Dad was telling him to go on masterchef! Surely my Dad shouldn't be giving him some kind of hero status for playing his part but be quietly happy that his daughter is with a man who plays his part.

Sometimes, I just don't know why I have a relationship with my Dad, he brings nothing to my life. I just have so much pity for him.

I would cock my head everytime he implied a sexist joke and say, why's that dad? And force him via innocent silence to say that women should do the cooking etc. Then scoff and say, gosh, you really are showing your age aren't you!

Quite simply, your father values male privilege above his daughters wellbeing. I wouldn’t make any effort to see him if I was you.

When your df said you ought to be grateful that dh is cooking a meal just say 'why?'
Make him explain his sexist language.
He'll likely dig himself a hole.
Don't feel guilty.
If you have girls tell him you don't want sexist role models.
How old is your dad?
Mine is 89 and would never make such remarks.

When my parents separated, my father transferred his shitty, sexist, moody treatment of her onto me. I wonder if yours is doimg the same? It's like, damn, my verbal punching bag is gone, but here's another who looks and sounds a bit like her.

Probably a generational thing. X

I'm not saying that all men of his generation are like that but some are. X

@BinkyandBunty that is exactly what my DM is saying my Dad is doing.

It's shocking tour Dad did that. We are their daughters... surely that creates some form of paternal protection and feeling over us.

I don't understand it. They should be cheering us on around others, not putting us down.

I wouldn’t be issuing any more invites round or out to dinner for a while and I’d tell him why.

I’d have strong words with DH about having my back as well.

@Tutters I don't know, I suspect we get to a certain age and stage, and we remind them too much of our mothers and all the relationship baggage comes out.

You don't get much positivity out of this relationship do you? Frankly if it were me I would not allow myself to be the but of his sexist, misogynistic jokes and comments. I would make it plain to him that his comments are wrong and not acceptable. If this behaviour continued I would cease invitations and socialising. I would make it plain to him that this attitude is not acceptable in front of my children. he has the choice to treat his own daughter with the respect you demand. If there is no real change then very low contact from me. If your husband can choose his own path, but I would not put up with this behaviour in my own home. Your mother had a very lucky escape! Best wishes OP.

You can just walk away op. I did that with my dad, never ever regretted it. He was similar and my tipping point was when I took my 3 month old to see him. In pub his drunk friend says DC has blue eyes, I said I think they're turning brown. DF then says, 'typical itsall, such a bad mother, can't tell her own child's eye colour'. It was the last in a long line of such stuff. I just smiled politely, left and never spoke to him again.
(PS DC now 13 has stunningly dark, dark, brown eyes)

I hate 'banter' - it's a word used to justify mean put-downs as 'jokes' when the person gets called out.

Your DF sounds like he has a misogynistic streak, which led to the break-up of his marriage. Don't let it affect yours too.

And it must be your DH's turn to help the kids select their meals next time you're out, while you concentrate on your own choice.

He sounds like a bully OP. That 'banter' and glares are there to keep you in your place. Unfortunately, we live in a misogynistic society and that's how your dad was brought up. Some men who have been divorced, have a chip on their shoulder about women, especially those they see as vying for equality.

If he says anything sexist or demeaning towards women in the presence of your children, you need to counter that because you need to teach your children that it's not ok.

Speak to him quietly away from your family about how his comments and behaviour are making you feel. Set boundaries for example, 'When you make sexist comments I feel undermined. You're my dad, why don't you have my back?' Then lay down the boundary, 'Please don't do that again or I'll limit contact with you.' If he does that again, limit contact.

Stop having him round.

you don't have to spend time with him, sorry about that, and if he asks why tell him.

My dad used to belittle my mum a lot after they divorced his treatment of me got worse he openly tells my husband in text messages that 'i don't cope' etc or if I'm ill he'll tell my husband there's nothing wrong with me- I was anaemic at the time. I can't stand him basically it really eats me up he never has any praise just negativity all the time so I can really empathise with how you are feeling

OP,

He sounds annoying.
He's not bringing anything to your life.
He's spoiling your sunday.
Stop issuing invitations.
Take a huge step back.
He's a bully.
You have stepped into the position your mother happily vacated.
If he asks, tell him I don't enjoy your rudeness to me in my home so I'm giving you the space from me that you clearly want.

You are dead right not to be putting up with it.

Wishing you well💐

I think you need to have serious words with your dh, let alone your df!

Your DH doesn’t sound great either.

You need to lay it on the line to your dad- stop making unkind and rude jokes and no, they arent bloody funny - they’re pathetic. Then you’ll need to follow through- every single time he does it call him out loudly so he’s embarrassed. Do this every single time and I guarantee it’ll stop

Absolutely stop cooking for him. Period.

He sounds insufferable. I bet your mother is glad to be well shot of him.

Would you put up with this from a friend? A dude on the street?

No? Then stop letting your father bully you in your own house. It’s easy enough to stop with the dinner invites. You can tell him why; he knows anyway. He just likes a swipe at you - deprive him of it.

I agree that your dh is joining in, he needs a word and I'd be cutting back on dad invites