Feels like my Dad puts me down infront of DH

[Tutters]

Am I over-reacting?
I am feeling upset by some of my Dad's comments infront of DH and today, I called him out on it and had to leave the house to calm down. Dad apologised but clearly had no idea he had done anything wrong.

On Sundays, DH cooks. I cook 5 meals out of 7 and DH cooks 2. Dad came to visit and he declared "Oh, here's DH cooking AGAIN." My Dad only ever visits on Sundays so DH is always cooking during his visits. My Dad has translated this to DH always cooks, despite me cooking for Dad just last week!

Anyway, then DH says "oh yes I make sure her dinner is on the table when she gets home from work on Sundays."

I laughed and bantered back "well you're 2 hours late because I was home 2 hours ago."
DH and I laugh.
My Dad blurts out all seriously, "you ought to be grateful that DH is cooking your meal."

I stood confused and angry for a few seconds before calling my Dad out on this and the implied sexism, he then says "you can't take a joke."
He wasn't joking though.

This is the second time this sort of thing has happened in the last month. A few weeks ago, we were having a meal with Dad and DH and my children when, after selecting meals for the children who have allergies and DH and Dad seeing to themselves, DH said " she's always the last to decide." (They had to wait a minute or 2 for me to choose.)
Although slightly irritated that they only had to focus on themselves, I shrugged it off and bantered back "well it's easy for some men around here when they only have themselves to think about isn't it."
Dad jumped at me on this occasion too and said "somebody got out of the wrong side of bed this morning, there is no need for that." Whilst glaring me. Although there had been implications in my response I'd said it as a joke.

I was furious but kept quiet and carried on entertaining the children whilst DH and Dad chatted away.

I'm fed up of his put downs and why is my Dad seemingly allowed to banter and I'm not? I don't see him too often thankfully but I am not enjoying his company and I'm upset and disappointed that he seems to have these weird, sexist views.

I spoke to my Mum who is gladly separated from him and she says he is sexist. She says that he never allowed her to banter, although would joke with other women. I am his daughter though, surely he should have my back and big me up infront of DH as opposed to putting me down?

It's like he forms a boys club and I'm not invited.

What's going on and how do I deal with this?

Unfortunately, he doesn't get invited, he always asks to come. He's lonely and dotes on my 3 boys. But, I don't enjoy seeing him. There's a long history of neglect and mental abuse. I try to put it to bed for my kids so they can have a relationship with him. They like him- he adores them. I pity my Dad if anything and still see him just so that when he's gone, I have nothing at all to feek guilty about. I will know I've always been a decent person to him.

Dad "can I come round on Sunday"
Op " that depends on whether you'll be making any digs about dh cooking"

Etc, call it out. And if he still does it then next time say we'll leave it for a bit as I'm sick of your digs.

And tbh as much as dc love their gd it's not good for them to hear this.

Oh come on. You pity him and he gets a free swipe at you each Sunday? No. He disrespects you and the reason he is lonely is on him.

Or stick with it and be keeper of his ego. That is your choice...

Well there you go- why on earth would he change when he has no consequences for his actions? He knows he can say whatever he likes and it doesn’t matter because you pity him and will do whatever he asks. We teach people how to treat us and you are teaching him his words are fine and your feelings are irrelevant because no matter what he says you just continue inviting him and the status quo stays exactly as it is. If you started to impose consequences for his behaviour he’d be motivated to change. That means- no dad, you aren’t invited to lunch if you’re going to make unkind jokes at my expense, I don’t like it, it’s disrespectful and I won’t have that in my home.
He only gets to come for lunch when he’s polite and respectful. You teach him.

Pity is never enough of a reason to continue a relationship with somebody especially when they don’t respect you. Your Dad is a misogynist who you’ve decided is entitled to a relationship with your sons.

Take this opportunity to stop colluding in this dysfunctional relationship and start asserting some boundaries. He comes per invitation and the minute he starts joking —sexist bullshit—, he leaves.

Your H is obviously enjoying ‘aren’t I quite the new man’ back slapping, which given his past history of laziness, is sadly not surprising.

You need to demonstrate to your boys that this bullshit misogyny is something that you do not tolerate.

Oh and for pity’s sake stop calling misogynistic barbs banter.

“Dad, this is 2020 not 1920, you need to get in the real world”

any chance you could move the Sunday lunch to somewhere neutral like a carvery in one of those pubs with a family room? then you could step away much easier. (and your DH won't have cooked)

So your husband isn't great and you are putting up with your rude father out of pity.

Neither of these men seem great examples of manhood for you son's.

I'd be think about your children.
Tell your father sling his book, you have had enough of his remarks and your not having it in front of your children.

Tell your husband you are not having it in front big your children and he'd better be a better example to them.

OP, you are teaching all the men in your life how to treat you.

Stop it now.

It's clearly bugging you.

Act on your annoyance.

💐

I agree, what a pile of crap as role models for your kids!

If you are saying your dad is treating you like this because he hasn't got your DM to tear down then stand the fuck up to him and say "Dad, I allow you to visit because you ask and you see the kids etc, BUT it's extremely unpleasant for me when you insist on tearing me to shreds in my own home, are rude about the perfectly normal arrangements in our household and worse, do so in front of my family. In future, wait for an invitation because I've run out of hospitality and I'll consider having you back when you stop being such a rude and ungrateful GUEST"

God, your poor DM! she must have suffered for years! Does SHE not want to come round for Sunday lunch instead?

@MzHz

Perfect👍

You could also tell him when he asks next to come "No, I've invited Mum for lunch. She's far more supportive of me".

Your house, your rules. If he visits, no sexist talk or ‘banter’. It’s the 21st century. You don’t want your boys growing up thinking your dad’s attitudes are ok. He lost one woman through his attitudes, and if he is not careful he will lose another and it will be entirely his fault.