Getting my ducks in a row

[CraicMammy]

I asked my H to leave two weeks ago, after the verbal abuse he promised would never happen again.

We have two DC 6 & 3

We own our house with a mortgage. He works, and has a well paid job. I had a job of equal status until we had children, since then I’ve been a SAHM dealing with severe PND.

I no longer want to be married to my H, I’ve felt so much better since he left.

I am estranged from my family, and isolated from friends 100s of miles away. Since H left I’ve started looking for jobs and am looking after the children with far greater success than he ever thought possible.

My question is, what do I need to do to get my ducks in a row? What information do I need to gather together for my solicitor? Can I apply for a single person’s council tax discount if H doesn’t have a fixed alternative address?

I only claim child benefit for one child because H said claiming for 2 would banjax his income tax.

I literally have no idea if I am entitled to any benefits.

Any advice would be very gratefully received, thank you 😊

Go ahead and claim Child Benefit for the second child.

Use www.entitledto.co.uk/ to check benefits entitlement and www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance for what child maintenance should be payable.

Solicitor will ask about assets - housing, pensions, savings.

Good luck.

Thank you xx

If you're the only adult living in your home you're entitled to council tax discount, op.
Good luck.

Here's the CABx guide to Ending a Relationship. Laws vary depending where in the UK you are, so find the info relevant to you.

Anything relating to children, such as contact arrangements, maintenance, benefits etc you can find at Gingerbread. Their website is very good but they also have trained advisers on their helpline.

What to prepare for your solicitor:

Full name, address, phone number and date of birth for you and your spouse.
Names, dates of birth and school details for your children (including all children in your home regardless of whether they are from this marriage or not).
Your marriage certificate/Civil Partnership certificate. Be mindful of the impact this may have if your partner realises it’s gone and is not aware you’re looking for preliminary advice. A certified copy can be obtained from the Register of Births Deaths and Marriages local to your place of marriage.
Employment details, including earnings.
Estimate of property value (sites like Our Property and Zoopla can help you see what your property may be worth, based on similar properties recently sold on your street).
Remaining value of any mortgages/loans on the property, and the lenders details.
Details of any other assets including savings and pensions.
Details of any other debts including credit and store cards.
This list is by no means exhaustive, but it does cover the basic information your solicitor will require. Don’t worry if you don’t have all this information at the first meeting as it can be provided later. However, the more information you can give to your solicitor, the more detailed their advice will be.

Further things to consider preparing include:

A snapshot of your current outgoings to give your solicitor an idea of your current lifestyle and financial situation.
A snapshot of your current outgoings to give your solicitor an idea of your current lifestyle and financial situation.
If you and your spouse have already separated, provide a brief summary including the date and circumstances.
If you or your spouse have been married previously then details about the divorce and any court orders that may have been made between you are helpful.

Bring any paperwork that shows particular financial contributions you have made. These could include a completion statement from the sale of a previous home or documents showing an inheritance.

Remember, when giving paperwork to your solicitor make sure it’s in date order, in appropriate sections and in a file. This will make is quicker for them to deal with, and therefore helps save you some money.

Have you any evidence yet of his domestic abuse?

www.gov.uk/legal-aid/domestic-abuse-or-violence

Have you done the Freedom Programme course? I strongly recommend it. wWw.freedomprogramme.co.uk

It will help you understand what he's done and doing so you can heal and protect yourself. It also explains how your children will have been affected so you can support them. Might make you feel less alone.

Rights of Women have useful info on their website about occupation orders and non molestation orders among other things.

Have you talked to Women's Aid?

Looking into therapy? Made the children's school/nursery aware so they can provide support?

You need to start the process of learning to trust yourself and no longer taking things he says as gospel (or even truthful or factual).

For instance him telling you you wouldn't cope without him etc or what he told you about CB.

Money Advice website and CAB website are both useful for informing yourself on how lots of practical things are done (e.g. Council tax). Which is helpful if he's stopped you from being involved with certain things so you don't know how to begin. Also, if your council is like mine their website is probably full of useful information.

I'm pointing you at the websites where you can have a look yourself because I think finding the info yourself and then knowing where you have reliable sources to look up other things will increase your confidence and make you feel more in control, which is really important for your recovery from his abuse. Make yourself a list of useful sources of info and organisations you can turn to.

Depending on how controlling he was and how much it's dented your confidence, would it help to make a list of things around the home you know or what to do in an emergency? So are you happy with turning the water and electrics off and knowing which kinds of water leaks are an emergency and which aren't? Do you have a number for emergency plumber, boiler service etc? Home insurance details? Do you have oversight of the contracts and bills?h

Is your income going into an individual bank account or joint?

It's great you're managing so well at the moment. If you have down periods or hit a blip in the weeks and months to come please don't be too hard on yourself. There is a lot to process and adjust to so there might be times you feel down or worn out or miss him (or the person you thought he was/the life you dreamed you'd have with him).

You might also find there are painful experiences from the past that you couldn't really deal with at the time because you had your head down trying to survive that will suddenly rise up and blindside you with all the emotions from back then. That's natural and positive, because it means your brain has finally been able to start the healing process, but it can still be tough (esp if you didn't know it might happen!). Selfcare and compassion will be your friends.

Good luck and take care.

Thank you so so much for all that helpful advice. I felt like a rabbit in the headlights, but I can work through a list.

You need to start the process of learning to trust yourself and no longer taking things he says as gospel (or even truthful or factual)

This so much. He thinks we argued “like a normal couple” and that I’m being unreasonable. He suggested that because I had an abusive childhood I’m crying wolf now 😢 he can’t accept that he has been abusive because he doesn’t want to think of himself as “that kind of man” he likes to think he is very woke.

I’m just holding onto the fact that I feel so much calmer and more competent now he has gone. I’ve done the Freedom Programme online and it’s really helped. I feel free.

'Woke' abusers, really are the worst! They tend to be condescending feminists as well. You have my sympathy.

No problem. I love a good list. It will save you money if you go through the CABx advice first because there's a lot you can sort out yourself. Ditto Gingerbread. Being informed is empowerment. You'll feel on firmer footing once you know what you're doing.

See about one to one therapy if you can. If you can afford it try BACP for a therapist, they have a handy search facility where you can put in exactly what you're looking for. If not, then your local domestic abuse organisation may have free group or one to one therapy available.

I’ve started getting my house in order (literally and metaphorically) council tax reduction ✅ new phone ✅ and found a solicitor. I have two job interviews in the offing too 😊

I’m getting on and getting by.

On Saturday I saw H and he was all “I’m getting a flat in a different town” and “there was no abuse”. He spent the next two nights at his brother’s 100s miles away, he said so that they could talk.

Yesterday he came over to watch the kids whilst I was at group therapy. He said he was so sorry for how he’d been, he recognised his abusive behaviour, still wouldn’t do an abusers course, but hoped we could patch things up with marriage counselling and could he come home please?

I said this was a drastic change change of attitude which confused me. He said all the things I would have wanted to hear if I had wanted him back.

But I don’t. I’m happier on my own.

I noticed that today, my compulsive eating and shopping that had tailed off considerably since H left, was back with gusto.

I don’t want to go backwards. I like my new direction of travel. I’m getting a haircut for the first time in a year... I have a personal shopper session booked for my interview outfit.

I don’t want to go back.

You sound on track and very motivated. You'll be just fine.

Keep going OP.. you can do this.... all he wants his home comforts back..

Well done. You're doing so well. Amazingly so. Onwards and upwards.

Don't believe a word of it OP and I hope you've had some safety advice because you are most vulnerable when leaving the relationship. Once he realises he can't charm his way back in, he may turn. Things can escalate very quickly.

Thanks, I’ll take that advice to heart and ring the local domestic abuse service tomorrow x

Well done - think you are doing a great job! Keep strong

I never used toake list but did when seperating,treated my self to a special list book with post it's,different sized pages etc for thing to do now and longer jobs(I had to leave quickly with not very much),it kept me on track through the wobbly bits.
I don't know about your h but mine was put out by the fact that I coped and was well organised
Good luck with the interviews,the journey can be a bit crap but the destination is so much better.

Well done. Keep going forward- if you don’t want to go back then you don’t need to- keep going forward.

how are you OP? all okay ? 🌺

It dosn't matter if you still live together, as long as you're officially separated, and financially independent from each other you'll get the benefit.

Claim child benefit for the other child.

Hi all, thanks for asking how I am

Getting on ok, so tired tho! Had my initial Universal Credit interview this week. Trying to get my finances untangled from H ASAP to keep the DWP happy, which is so stressy! I’ve an old colleague who’s a divorce lawyer, so I’ve asked him to help me know what to ask for re child and spousal maintenance.

H is still living in cheap hotels, he won’t sort out a flat. My children miss him, which is so hard, tho they see him two evenings a week and on Saturdays.

I’ve had one job interview and a few rejections so far, hope I can get something sorted soon.

Someone told me to “keep swimming Dory” so that’s what I’m trying to do.

you will get there OP 🌺

Congratulations. And you know that PND? I would bet my house that he played a large part in that.

Him staying in hotels speaks volumes. Maid service, housekeeper and a cook on site no doubt.
No wonder you don't want him back.
Good luck with the job hunting!

I’m so so tired.

Since H left he’s had the children for two nights (he took them to stay with family). My children are wonderful but mess our house up faster than I can clean it. I can’t keep on top of the household tasks, let alone uncouple myself from H, jump thru all of the hoops for Universal Credit, and find a job.

I fell asleep last night putting DS down and didn’t wake til 6am, I took my ANtidepressants then (I get withdrawal if I miss a dose) but that’s left me slow and groggy all day (I take them at night usually to help me sleep).

H had agreed to take the children this weekend, but his mum has had a turn (think it’s Gross Transient Amnesia) so H had to travel to Ireland today to be with her.

Sorry I’m going in but, but I have no support IRL I’m alone, exhausted and can’t even summon the energy to cry.

Aw, have a quiet day today, don't try to be superwoman, let the kids have screens and just do nothing much for the day.

You can usually inform the council of any adult leaving, online, look on their website under council tax. Then also search for council tax reduction and apply online today (don’t delay with submitting a request for this as they won’t usually back date it) but if you don’t qualify you’ve list nothing. Put in all your evidences after you’ve submitted the online form

Apply for universal credit and again do today and submit your form online today then ring tomorrow for an appointment- this benefit can take 5 weeks so don’t delay in submitting your application

Your looking for work in any case and may need childcare help

Craicmummy this is a blip, try not to worry! You don't have to get this all at once, a little at a time is fine. Just potter round the house today, tidying a bit, so you'll feel more on top of it tomorrow.

How old are the DC's?