Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

first date tonight. What next?

40 replies

coffee43 · 09/02/2020 00:18

After 2 years of no dating, I had a date tonight. I wasnt particularly looking, but I got chatting to a guy for around a month. I'm not sure I'm even ready and ge isnt divorced yet,.but separated 2 years.
I'm hopeless at dating and get really anxious. Tonight was different in that I felt relaxed with him, hes a nice bloke , has lovely qualities. I'm not sure the spark is there but I think it could be if that makes sense. After the date he came in to hug me and I think I brushed him off through awkwardness. I really didnt mean to and now feel an idiot!
He messaged when home and same with me although not the usual 'banter'
how do I know if he likes me? he thanked me and said i was good company. however perhaps through nerves I've come across in the wrong way. I'd like to get to know him more Smile . Do I leave it to him now? I'm so out of practice with dating and been hurt, I'd like to think I go about it in the right way. Any advice?

OP posts:
RedIsWhereItsAt · 09/02/2020 00:28

How about

I really enjoyed tonight and would love to do it again. How about it?

Honest, straightforward.

Original poster
coffee43 · 09/02/2020 00:33

So you think it needs to come from me? I take it that because he went in for a hug that he likes me? or was that just friendly?
I find this part so hard! I'm quite shy until I get to know someone and I'm not sure I've given the right vibes. I am bit old fashioned at heart and like the guy to make the moves/be interested

OP posts:
Booker82 · 09/02/2020 00:38

If you like him just send a simple message. Who cares if it's the guy or girl who messages first?!

RedIsWhereItsAt · 09/02/2020 01:21

DISCLAIMER, I'VE BEEN SINGLE FOR ABOUT 300 YEARS

If you liked him and would like to see him again then text that. Don't worry about who should text first etc.

I'm a firm believer in honesty and straightforwardness. If he doesn't like whatever approach you use then there will be many other things you also disagree on. If he likes you and wants to do it again he will say, 'ok'.

Original poster
coffee43 · 09/02/2020 22:50

@RedIsWhereItsAt. thank you. I'm at an age now I think it is best to be straightforward. I didnt have the confidence previously but now I think just go for it. He will take up the offer or he wont. I havent lost anything

OP posts:
RedIsWhereItsAt · 10/02/2020 00:05

Exactly. If he likes you he won't think twice about the method of communication or words used. Let us know how it goes so I can live vicariously through you.

Original poster
coffee43 · 15/02/2020 10:15

@RedIsWhereItsAt 'live vicariously through you' that's funny!
We have texted all week and he has initiated messages, however general chat and I dont feel he is trying to find out much about me. This whole 'thing' of messaging takes up a lot of energy and I feel it is a huge distraction. I feel I'm investing my time for what? I've only met him one and cant really remember him I was in such a whirl so to speak with nerves.
He lives around an hour away and I'm beginning to think it isnt worth it. Although he has been separated from his wife for 2.5 years he is not yet divorced to me I feel that is one foot in, one foot out. He wants to go on second date and see how it goes. For me, I was having a nose on match and not expecting a date. Now I feel like it is consuming me and I'm thinking up all kinds of scenarios re the future! Is this even normal?! I've made it clear I'm not looking for a text buddy (in a nice way I hope) as it's not real. I'm not sure where to go from here? any advice/experience welcome Smile

OP posts:
RedIsWhereItsAt · 15/02/2020 10:46

I've been separated a lot longer than that and am not yet divorced. The way I see it, it's a lot of bother and expense for a piece of paper that will change my life in zero ways. Maybe he sees it like that? I think I will only divorce if I want to marry someone. I know for some people it's a mentally significant thing, but for others it's an admin exercise that you have to pay for.

TigerDater · 15/02/2020 12:42

Go on a second date SOON and see how it goes? I think he got it right there.

Original poster
coffee43 · 18/02/2020 06:05

@RedIsWhereItsAt I guess I need to see it like this re divorce. I'm afraid of getting caught up in something I cant handle. I'm also afraid he may be looking for a distraction?
Anyway! the second date is planned for Thursday. I need to calm down and take more notice this date now that we have met each other. I have all the usual worries and have put on weight so not feeling the best about myself. I'm quite excited to as it has come out of the blue

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 18/02/2020 07:11

You are right: you really need to calm down!

Your posts are so full of anxiety and worries and fear, and preoccupation with what he might think of you, and getting flustered by your inability to take in what he is telling you...

Are you always like this or just with him? Either way, some counselling might do wonders for your self-esteem and help you deal with these situations.

Original poster
coffee43 · 18/02/2020 07:36

@FlowerArranger oh dear!
To be honest I'm not really ready and it was unexpected. I've only met him once, it's not exclusive to him, its dating in general. I have had some bad experiences which is triggering the anxiety

OP posts:
strawberry2017 · 18/02/2020 09:23

Being divorced isn't an issue, some people just don't have the spare cash and if they have been able to sort everything out for the separation and it's been 2 years do worry or become fixated on the fact he isn't divorced yet.
It's only an issue if you decide to get married.

Original poster
coffee43 · 21/02/2020 09:59

Second date went ahead and he has sent a message saying no spark. I also thought the same however was willing to give it a little longer. Online dating is so hard!

OP posts:
RedIsWhereItsAt · 23/02/2020 10:54

Oh that's a shame OP. But I guess you can't win 'em all. Do you feel like going online and chatting again? Or giving it a rest for a while?

Original poster
coffee43 · 23/02/2020 18:37

@RedIsWhereItsAt it is a shame. I guess I hadn't yet decided as I think spark could grow. I still think there was an attraction. We are still messaging Confused I guess that could cause confusion? or no harm?
I'm not ready, it has highlighted that so I wont be going online any time soon. What he does is up to him.

OP posts:
Trews2019 · 23/02/2020 18:40

Next time don’t leave so long between dates so you can move onto the next once you’ve agreed there’s no spark.

Original poster
coffee43 · 23/02/2020 19:38

@Trews2019 thank you for the advice. I really dont feel cut out for it. Perhaps in the future. I just happened to get chatting to him, I wasnt really actively looking. Next time I wont chat for weeks on end before meeting as get a false attachment Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
coffee43 · 01/03/2020 05:56

Just an update. So I'm beginning to detach and we didnt message Friday night and I didn't hear from him or message yesterday. Out of the blue last night, he messages to say that his best friend who separated around the same time as him and is really happy with new partner got engaged last night. She asked him with it being a leap year and hes in shock etc.
Talk about rubbing it in! Why would he message me this? Hmm

OP posts:
TheStuffedPenguin · 01/03/2020 07:55

Why have you not deleted his number and blocked him ? He's not wanting to take it further so move on .

Friendsofmine · 01/03/2020 08:01

I agree. No more messages now it's not going further. Unless you want a casual sex buddy.

Re divorce. You are wise to be cautious. For every person who hasn't divorced due to cost or lack of inclination (which would concern me anyway) there are also those who are incapable of handling the emotional impact of finalising the loss of the marriage and what they hoped life would be, those who are still trying to get back with the ex, and those who are not even separated etc.

whatsoccuringnow · 01/03/2020 08:47

Probably because he likes having someone to message. I hated that part of being single, men with no intention of having a relationship with me staying in contact. I used to believe it was because they really liked me but weren't in the right place etc and eventually they would realise. It never happened. They went on to behave totally differently with the women they settled down with. I look back and wish I'd just enjoyed being single!! Instead of torturing myself staying in touch with unavailable (to me) men...

whatsoccuringnow · 01/03/2020 08:48

Ignore him, obviously was the advice from my previous rant!!

Knewyou · 01/03/2020 08:51

He’s told you there’s no spark. Leave it there! It’s not fair of him to keep messaging you especially if he thinks you are still interested.

letsdolunch321 · 01/03/2020 09:13

Block or ignore him.

Swipe left for the next trending thread