first date tonight. What next?

[coffee43]

After 2 years of no dating, I had a date tonight. I wasnt particularly looking, but I got chatting to a guy for around a month. I'm not sure I'm even ready and ge isnt divorced yet,.but separated 2 years.
I'm hopeless at dating and get really anxious. Tonight was different in that I felt relaxed with him, hes a nice bloke , has lovely qualities. I'm not sure the spark is there but I think it could be if that makes sense. After the date he came in to hug me and I think I brushed him off through awkwardness. I really didnt mean to and now feel an idiot!
He messaged when home and same with me although not the usual 'banter'
how do I know if he likes me? he thanked me and said i was good company. however perhaps through nerves I've come across in the wrong way. I'd like to get to know him more . Do I leave it to him now? I'm so out of practice with dating and been hurt, I'd like to think I go about it in the right way. Any advice?

Sounds like he's keeping you on the back burner in case nothing else comes along. Please just block him because continuing to chat when its going nowhere is feeding his ego. At least you've had a little bit dating experience out of it.

So I did delete his number but then thought it was a bit harsh. He said the is happy with friends/keeping in contact. I thought I was ok with this. However i dont think i am. I deserve more than this and it is taking up headspace. Must say though, someone who I dated briefly 3 years back I still gear from him now and again and that is fine with me. maybe it is just too soon from flirty to general chat. I dont know. I need to think what I'm gaining from it. I do like him and thought it may be a slow burner however he pulled the plug. I dont want false hope. I need to protect myself here

Yes I would be insulted tbh.

Block and forget him. While you’re thinking about him you aren’t keeping yourself emotionally available to anyone else.

I think you need to be free of him. You only had 2 dates therefore you are not friends like that ex you dated briefly and have occasional chats with now.

Honestly what is the value of contact here?

Yes I know. I hear what you're saying. He made me feel good initially, he makes me laugh. I guess I liked the attention. However if I look at the hard facts, I'm setting myself up for hurt further down the line. I guess I thought he might ask for a third date however perhaps I'm delusional.
I clearly need to work on my self esteem too and the reasons why I get so incredibly anxious about dates. I've had some bad experiences and I dont have a lot of support. I'm really fed up of doing it alone. I'm 43 with ds and he is always my priority. I'm thinking I'm going to be forever single.

Many people are anxious about it . It's perfect normal . You are going to meet many people and they are not all for you . I remember reading someone saying - imagine you are walking into a bar of 100 men - how many people are you really going to like ? How many of those are then going to like you ? Adopt a more casual attitude to it - first date is like an interview . Don't waste time on endless chats - I did that with a guy then when we met he was the most boring man in the world ! In less than 24 hours I chatted to my now H we met and that was it ! Just take your time and remember it is them , not you . :-P

@TheStuffedPenguin. Thank you. Amazing you met your H online!
I think I've been getting it all wrong.
I'm feeling sad at the sudden change and tone of message from him, heard from him tonight. Feel he has the upper hand here and I dont like it, if that makes sense. Like he has the power. I cant understand how I've become so attached having only met him twice. Really fed up tonight and just have to let go of any contact

It's totally normal to be anxious when dating and for some people it's a numbers game and eventually they meet someone, others get lucky sooner.

He does have the upper hand in the sense that he has told you he's not interested in dating you, so this contact is just going to make you feel unwanted and used as you know you'll only hear from him in between dates with other women.

Re Divorce. I'm over two years separated, I would so love to get the divorce done (was planning to celebrate with a holiday to Ibiza in the summer)but can't afford it and the ex has spent the money he was going to use to pay for it on his new girlfriend and trying to impress friends. He doesn't want me to borrow the money to get it done but I am very tempted to do just that, I have the paperwork all filled out. It is the final piece that needs doing but it is taking it's time not because I don't want to do it but because he is doing things to derail it.

@Friendsofmine thanks for normalising it so to speak. I feel such and idiot and hurt.
So I have deleted his number and also the screenshot I took of it from match. I'm not a member so cant get it. I've deleted all pics of him too. I'm so annoyed as the distraction prevented me from doing my best at an interview.
In hindsight, he referred to his 'wife' by accident at one point. He also took the p&^s out of previous dates. This makes me think he will do the same to me. We didn't even kiss, nothing at all happened, I think it's the emotional attachment I'm missing. The morning texts etc.
@Isitreally77 sounds like you need to start the process for your own closure? take control?

@coffee43 I guess the advice to go on a few dates with people you are not so attracted to is really sensible, to get over the awkwardness and to get you going out to meet people, with lowish expectations.

I too would sit and stew about it all though, I really recognise how you are reacting emotionally to this, I would react exactly the same, even though, reading it, I can see it's not the best response.

coffee

What you described earlier re this man was really a disaster from the start. He is still married and you became overinvested. Why he wanted to go onto a dating site goodness only knows; probably because he wants someone to look after him. Glad to read that you've now deleted all traces of him.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. I would consider counselling for your own self now to start to properly unlearn all the crap and rebuild your self worth. Where did all this anxiousness you have start and come from?. Doing this will also help you with dating when you feel ready to do so. Work too on your boundaries in relationships; what is and is not acceptable to you here?.

I would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

Well done. Always judge a man by how he talks about his exes if they come up. You can learn a lot!

@RedIsWhereItsAt. thanks. I feel less alone knowing it's not just me who reflects over it and dwells. I absolutely know it's not the best response. I even questioned myself getting over invested without meeting. I'm.so annoyed at myself and feel I have wasted 12 weeks of my life!
@AttilaTheMeerkat, yes it was a disaster wasnt it. Although he has been separated 2.5 years the divorce process not sorted just the financial side. This is actually a blessing. What on earth was I doing?
I'm.so pleased nothing happened in any way as I'd feel an awful lot worse if I'd have slept with him. Relationships growing up..not good. My mum had an affair and left us. I've not had good luck with relationships although was with exh 14 years.
@Friendsofmine yes agree. He didnt talk badly of ex just dates he had and what happened. I feel he might now talk about me which feels an invasion of privacy.
I'm taking a long break and will get back on track. No contact from him today.
Thank you for letting me offload