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Original poster

Stay in 'Friendship' Marriage'?

46 replies

sisi88uk · 08/02/2020 22:07

I've been married for over 10 years, we always had intimacy problem, sometimes he won't touched me for over 3 months. Now I found a new role, and it completely consumed my life, which I am very excited about this new challenge and he had been a great dad, supportive.
We have 2 kids together, age 6 and 9.
4 months ago, I realised that I cannot go on like this, I told him we will have to change our relationship drastically or I would move out.
He thinks he had made a great difference to our marriage, but I still feeling being 'stone cold' from us. There is hardly any touch, embrace, kisses or anything. We are great friends but not much more. He admitted he withhold sex from me, which I don't understand why.
I recently met a guy from work, and he's recently divorced, and he wants me to move in etc. But he said he doesn't want to push me. I really don't know what to do, this new guy appearing to be more and more a great love in my life, and I really don't want to cheat on my husband. Separation? Divorce? Or stay put?

OP posts:
Missarad · 09/02/2020 09:17

I find it bizarre some person at work wants you to move in when u haven't kissed them or had intimacy etc. Does he want your kids etc. It sounds like you have checked out of your marriage anyways so prob time to move on. I'd find the new bloke odd though and be querying if he wants kids moving in and family life etc

RantyAnty · 09/02/2020 09:21

End the marriage and be single for a while.

Work guy sounds like an opportunist. He's saying everything you want to hear. He's still a stranger.

Original poster
sisi88uk · 09/02/2020 10:44

I guessed I wanted to investigate my marriage before. The new bloke does want me to be in his life, but it is still early days. And what is frustrating is that I realised what I am thinking.

OP posts:
Original poster
sisi88uk · 09/02/2020 10:45

That's right. But it may be true or not be true.

OP posts:
Missarad · 09/02/2020 11:27

Does he want your kids to move in aswel

Anothernick · 09/02/2020 11:28

If your marriage is OK apart from the intimacy side of things can't you tackle that first? Why does he not want sex with you? Does he not realise that he is putting your marriage at risk? As your DC are still young I guess you are not older than early 40s at most - he is far too young to have lost sexual desire - is he depressed? Drink, drug or health issues?

Original poster
sisi88uk · 09/02/2020 15:03

yes, but in the long term. Which I don't really want to involve my kids at such an early stage

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Original poster
sisi88uk · 09/02/2020 15:06

Nope, he said he has desire but he just does'nt know what is wrong. It's been like that for over 10 years. Even to conceive, I had to initialiate it. And then I got ill for last few years, that did'nt helped. He said he wants sex everyday, but never will come close to me. It's not just sex, it's smelling your hair, holding your hand, cuddling etc. I pretty much have none of that.

OP posts:
Missarad · 09/02/2020 15:43

So basically you would start a relationship up with a man at work and move in with him and leave your kids at home? Not seeing them every day how do u think they would feel. If u wanna leave u husband then do so without leaving kiddies behind

allthedamnvampires · 09/02/2020 16:16

Don't move in with the

Anothernick · 09/02/2020 16:17

Doesn't really add up does it - he wants sex every day, you are willing but "he will never come close" to you. Why on earth not? Does he have ED? Performance anxiety? I don't really buy the idea that "he doesn't know what is wrong" - there must be some clues. And if he really doesn't know then he should make an effort to find out.

allthedamnvampires · 09/02/2020 16:18

Sorry post fail! Don't move in with the work guy, don't get split up from your kids. Wherever you go you will need to have them with you.

Cinderella25 · 09/02/2020 21:36

Same as my relationship!

Barkley34 · 09/02/2020 22:27

I completely get splitting from your husband. No point in staying together just for friendship. You should be able to remain friends after splitting.

However, it's crazy you're even considering this work guy. Have you been 'seeing' him already. Just seems you barely know the guy or what a relationship would be like.

InMyHeadAllTheTime · 10/02/2020 02:43

Have you and your spouse considered seeing a marriage counselor? He admits to withholding sex and you say there has always been intimacy problems so I'm thinking there is an underlying issue. (Something about his past maybe?) Maybe neither one of you is speaking the other person's love language.

In regards to this work guy... You say you don't want to cheat on your husband, but you already are. I have a hard time believing you two haven't gotten physical, but you're talking about moving in with him and him becoming "a great love" in your life. At the very least, you're having an emotional affair.

I highly recommend you read the following 2 books:

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

Do your kids a favor and actually TRY to work things out with your husband. After all, you made the choice to bring them into a family where their parents have "always had intimacy problems."

Nitpickpicnic · 10/02/2020 03:41

Forget the guy at work. He’s just an empty distraction. That kind of rebound hardly ever turns into anything healthy or long-term.

Take your husband to counselling (together) to be sure there’s no solution. You owe it to your kids, and want to be able to tell them (and others) something other than ‘He was asexual’. You’ll just say ‘We went to therapy and hit some unresolvable issues’.

Then STAY SINGLE for a couple of years (have loads of sex, by all means). You’re craving physical attention and affection. That’s a bad way to hit the dating scene. You’ll end up with someone with a strong libido and little else. They’re a dime a dozen. Value yourself more, and hold out for a good one!

Bluerussian · 10/02/2020 03:47

Are you your husband's beard?

Original poster
sisi88uk · 10/02/2020 07:07

I’ve decided not to move in. But need to find a place of my own, and have the kids with me. That’s my first decision

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Original poster
sisi88uk · 10/02/2020 07:09

Totally agree with you. I just feel so lost. Financially and physically I don’t think I can leave my husband. Yet I had enough

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Original poster
sisi88uk · 10/02/2020 07:10

That’s totally true. I was naive to think that we can works things out long term to start my marriage

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Original poster
sisi88uk · 10/02/2020 07:11

I’ve barely know the guy, and he given me attentions but truely I do think he’s on a rebound. Hence all the attentions

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Original poster
sisi88uk · 10/02/2020 07:12

Thanks so much for the heads up of the books!

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Original poster
sisi88uk · 10/02/2020 07:12

Glad that I am not alone but I feel so bad for anyone in my shoes

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Original poster
sisi88uk · 10/02/2020 07:15

What is ED??

OP posts:
HopeYouStepOnALego · 10/02/2020 07:25

ED = erectile dysfunction