Stay in 'Friendship' Marriage'?

[sisi88uk]

I've been married for over 10 years, we always had intimacy problem, sometimes he won't touched me for over 3 months. Now I found a new role, and it completely consumed my life, which I am very excited about this new challenge and he had been a great dad, supportive.
We have 2 kids together, age 6 and 9.
4 months ago, I realised that I cannot go on like this, I told him we will have to change our relationship drastically or I would move out.
He thinks he had made a great difference to our marriage, but I still feeling being 'stone cold' from us. There is hardly any touch, embrace, kisses or anything. We are great friends but not much more. He admitted he withhold sex from me, which I don't understand why.
I recently met a guy from work, and he's recently divorced, and he wants me to move in etc. But he said he doesn't want to push me. I really don't know what to do, this new guy appearing to be more and more a great love in my life, and I really don't want to cheat on my husband. Separation? Divorce? Or stay put?

Whether you plan to leave him or not, I think you should find out exactly why he’s withholding sex. If you don’t, it will play on your mind and you’ll be wondering if you could have done something different, or, in your less confident moments, if the problem was somehow connected to you. Personally, I don’t think it’s good to have unfinished business like that even if you want to end the relationship.

Does he have a physical problem? Has he been to the GP to check blood pressure, etc, etc

Is he doing this to control you? Is he controlling in other ways?

Does he have a busy life? Is he just too tired even though he’d like to have sex in theory?

Could he be thinking about or involved with someone else? Either physically or emotionally?

I think you both need a long talk and I think you should get some proper answers before making any decisions about your future.

You mean he might be gay? I asked many many times

Nope. No problem at all

You are in this situation but you don't know what ED is ? You sound very naive.

I won't start that relationship unless, I have moved out by myself.

You've never had much affection or sex from him so it's not going to change after 10 years. I wouldn't want to stay in an affectioneless and sexless marriage. Steer clear of new guy, that has big alarm bells. Split up from your husband and rebuild your life.

I either think he is on the rebound. He was in a very unhappy marriage, so for me to appear into this life, he said I am just perfect for him. But I don't think he's considering it will wear off.

He does'nt have any of that problem at all.

I'd had enough years before I left XH but didn't plan properly to leave. Cited financial reasons and having DC. So I ended up having a crowbar affair with someone completely unsuitable who abused me financially and emotionally, my life became a complete mess and I'm still suffering the fallout. I am however happily settled 4 years on with DP, DD and DSC.

Don't be me. Financial and other reasons are in the end usually just excuses. Get your plan in place so that you can put your focus on your future and not on your (completely legitimate) needs for affection right now before your need for love overwhelms you. Get a place that's big enough for your kids

Wow that's super strong statement, a breathe of fresh air that I need

I think you'll be jumping out if the frying pan into the fire

Leave your dh first without anyone to go to, live by yourself with your dc, find out what YOU want and then at him about another relationship once you've had some time alone

oh gosh, poor you. What is a crowbar affair? Ended up with the same kind of guys?
I had just asked my husband, he said he thought he had been affectionate with me. Which is entirely different image in my mind.

So he wants sex everyday but just not with you then? When men want sex they don't usually hold back. The other guy is just a distraction and a bit of an ego boost for you even if you don't realise it (sorry). Agree he's an opportunist. Weird that he's asking you to move in when nothing has happened between you. You could end up with someone the same as your dh.

Crowbar affair = something (usually unconsciously) intended to crowbar or bust your marriage apart. You shag the local drug dealer, you're not seriously moving on to the next love of your life but it will blow your marriage apart.

I just had a long chat with him. He said I am like a thorny rose. He hates rejection. One brush off can put him off for years. He said my personality is too dominating

That’s totally true. I will call it like a catalyst in our relationship. But my relationship might go on for years with all these excuses without this guy that came along

You don't sound compatible with your husband. Also I wonder if he is projecting onto you.

Either way, you are likely to fall for someone else in the future given how little your husband gives you and is happy to blame you for the state of your marriage.

He said my personality puts him off, but he still find me attractive. He’s now finally willing to do counselling. But I really don’t know what to do to improve anymore. I’ve tried so many times to get him come close to me. The sex had always been rough, non sensual. And he said in his opinion, it’s romantic. Definitely agree with you being not compatible

So the sex is nonexistent, and when you have had it in the past it has been crap. He only fancies you but still won't have sex with you. You're left with friendship as you call it. But he doesn't like your personality? All of your personality or just when you dare complain about something? Not that it matters.

Has he got form for changing goalposts just to suit whatever he wants?

I have no idea what and how he got off from. But his idea of a good time is being by himself with a book

He’s a kind father, but I don’t think he knows what’s intimacy, he only can learn from his family. All full of stone cold marriages