Hurt by depressed DH's comment

[SleepyChe]

My DH has suffered with depression and anxiety for 10+ years. He is currently signed off from work, and believes his job is the (current) main cause of his depression. I have been incredibly patient with him and supportive of him looking for a lower paid, less stressful job even though it will mean having to change our lifestyle somewhat.

We are currently in the middle of some renovations to our house. He was in a good mood this morning, then all of a sudden announced that this is all too much and that we don’t deserve to live in a nice house and have nice things. We both came from humble beginnings and have worked really hard, both have good jobs and salaries. He said we should not be living where we currently do, in a house like we do (just to set the scene - we live in a rough-round the edges inner London borough, 10 minutes from where we both grew up, in an average 1930’s terrace, not in a mansion, although we are just finishing an extension to make it more comfortable for our family).

I have been so patient, going round and round in circles about whether he should quit his job or not, and all of the other obsessive thoughts that come about as part of his illness. I am exhausted by it all and often feel I am completely alone in raising our children when he’s like this. My job is 10x more stressful than his and I work so bloody hard, both at work and at home. I feel so angry at him for his comments, although I know part of it is because of the depression, but I just wanted to scream at him! I wonder where he believes people “like us” should live, and in which type of house!! I feel like he’s pushed me too far this time and really hit a nerve.

Not really sure if I’m looking for advice, but needed to get it off my chest 😕

For better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and in health. If he needs a less stressful job yet lower paid to improve his mental health so be it. And as someone who battles every day with their mental health i know it’s a constant struggle he will be having. If the good outweighs the bad with him stick with it. No one said marriage was easy!

That sounds really tough.

You're right - it's his depression speaking. I think these types of comments hit really hard when they're about something YOU'VE worked really hard to make the best of/improve, really hard for months and years, and someone just rubbishes it in a sentence, along with all the support that you've given them.

However, you are not the vessel for his depressive thought processes and you have feelings too. Wait until he is a slightly less self-obsessed mood and tell him that his comments hurt your feelings. Just simply and straightforwardly. Otherwise, they'll eat you up.

I have a serious and complex mental illness. If I said something like that it would not have been meant in a horrible way. I would probably been feeling frustrated, low, upset etc. You have worked very hard so why wouldn't you deserve live in a nice house. If he needs a different job then fair enough. But the partner of someone with a mental illness often has it tough, often developing one themselves. If ever you felt like you couldn't deal with it never feel guilty, if you feel like leaving then you shouldn't feel guilty.

That is such a selfish reply @restingbitchface.
Why don't you think about what the op has written. This is not about the DH it's about the OPand how she has to pick up all the pieces for her DH mental health while her suffers. Considering he does not fo the home stuff maybe he should suck it up at work and not stress out his wife too much.
OP please try and do something to prevent your stress becoming too much. Take the kids out without him. Give him a list of jobs to do while you are out. Will he do that?

Yes, and I completely sympathise with the struggle. I am an anxious person myself and have had very low periods in my life, which is why 99% of the time I can handle his low moods. But it is incredibly hard to have a partner suffering with depression, and I can't stop thinking about what he said. I feel guilty for feeling so mad at him, but I can't help it today.

You know something, OP. You don't have to live with someone. You can love them and care for them but make the decision not to live with them.

You have to look after yourself. He has to get the help he needs and of course you will want to help him. If you have been picking up the slack for ten years and he is rubbishing what you have or do, you have every right to say you've had enough and you want to live apart.

My XH had depression for years and I suffered from it too as a result. It's one of the hardest illnesses to live alongside.

How are you differentiating comments? How do you know that's him or that's his depression?

For better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and in health. If he needs a less stressful job yet lower paid to improve his mental health so be it. And as someone who battles every day with their mental health i know it’s a constant struggle he will be having. If the good outweighs the bad with him stick with it. No one said marriage was easy!

Being the partner of someone who struggles is no walk in the park and she deserves to be able to vent on here. He's not here to support, she is. Have some compassion.

@restingbitchface what about the OP's mental health? Why is it OK for her to have to shoulder all of the burdens alone? I have had mental health problems all of my adult life, but I don't expect my H to tiptoe round me because that would be incredibly selfish.

OP your well-being is important too.

It's not his fault that he has mental health problems, it must be so hard, but you have done so much for him and given so much time and energy to your marriage. You must be exhausted ... i'm just here saying it's okay to put your hands up and say you can't do this anymore. Just saying.

That sounds really draining and tedious.

I agree that your well-being and your level of energy for life is going to be depleted around him.

I totally agree with @simplekindoflife my father was depressed for most of my childhood and it had a terrible effect on me, my mother could take,no,more, so we never brought anything to her, never discussed anything with her, suppressed all of our own doubts and fears and anxieties growing up. Neither my brother nor I is in a successful relationship and I know it's because of the dynamic at home. Everything revolved around keeping my Dad a bit less depressed. Fucking hell. Torture for the rest of us, for decades.

@restingbitchface30 ''nobody said marriage was easy''? well, maybe not but then Nobody said you had to put up with a bad marriage either.

If the good outweighs the bad with him stick with it. No one said marriage was easy!

WTAF, no you don't need to stick with it. What a ridiculous statement. If the good outweighs the bad he needs to sort it, if your life becomes Merry hell because of him then he can go live on his own, in the house he feels he deserves and enjoy every moment of it,

Op you look after you, you don't owe this man your happiness.

Exactly what @HollowTalk said. You need to prioritise your own mental health. A house dominated by a depressive can be a terrible place to grow up, and I can sense your exhaustion.

Depression fallout is a brilliant book for people who have a family member with depression. I’ve read it.

It was like a light bulb went on. I really recommend you read it too.

And no you don’t have to stick it out

My mother is depressed and has been for most of my life. My father is no saint and there have been times I have been furious at him for making decisions that were very difficult for my mother. Likewise, there have been times when I have been angry with my mother for not getting the help that she needed to reduce the impact of her illness on the rest of her family. I know that she has been a victim of terrible mental health care as well as a product of her childhood experiences and I know that I can never fully understand her point of view nor that of my father. You have my every sympathy for what is a truly difficult marriage to live in and this is a place to rant and to get support.

Well done for supporting you and your family and I hope you find the support you need both here and in real life.

maybe he should suck it up at work and not stress out his wife too much.

Whilst the op has every right to vent and make the decisions she needs to for her wellbeing, this is not how mental illness works.

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply, I really appreciate it. I’ve been sitting here having a cry reading your messages. I think @thehorseandhisboy hit the nail on the head. I just found it so dismissive of all of my hard work. I try to hold everything together and take the stress off of him, and then he just dismissed everything in the space of 20 seconds! I am probably in denial about how much of an impact this is having on me too. I just don’t want my children’s lives affected by his illness, so I try to keep everything “business as normal”. Go to work and put a smile on my face. Do all the usual stuff with the kids, etc.

He started taking antidepressants 6 weeks ago and is due to start counselling soon, so I hope we will see some kind of improvement. I don’t want us to split up but I am very aware that it might come to that. I don’t like living on an emotional rollercoaster. It’s exhausting.

Thank you for all of your different view points and experiences. Depression is a terrible thing to go through and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

OP- its ok for you to be pissed off at him. I dont agree with this rubbish about how you should just accept everything he throws at you because he's depressed. Thats not an excuse to conitually act like an arse. You have feelings too and your mental health is just as important as his. I'm not surprised youre fed up and feeling down. I think you need to have a chat with him and tell him that whilst youre supportive of him and will help him in any way you can, he also needs to appreciate the effect his words have on you and to cut it out. If he is really struggling then he needs tomato an appointment to see his GP and seek medication/counselling. Its absolutely not fair that he has carte blanche to just do or say whatever he likes and you just have to take it. Its not on and he needs to take action to help himself.

to make, not tomato lolol

Is your H doing anything else to treat his depression? Is he talking to anyone? Taking anything? Because you're well justified in insisting he do more work on himself before taking things out on you.

Yes it's an illness, but if he had a broken leg and refused to use a crutch because he'd rather lean on you, you wouldn't put up with that.

And I say that as someone who's had episodes of clinical depression since my teens.

Having a partner with mental health problems can be very grueling. Perhaps you could join a carer's/relatives group? There will be one local to you.

You didn't sign up to be his unpaid psychiatric nurse. When he goes on about his issues, you could say to him 'I can't help you, you need to talk to your GP/consultant/a therapist.' (Even when already getting help, he can still go back and let them know he's still struggling and they can consider additional help or a medication change. He can even tell them it's taking a toll on his marriage- this'll make them more likely to act.) That'll stop him going on at you so much and take off some of the load. It's also true- even if you were a qualified counsellor, as a loved one you're not in s position to help him as much as someone with a professional relationship with him.

You could also let him know when one of his comments upset you. Then say something like 'This is taking it's toll on me, please get additional help for my (and the kids'?) sakes, if you won't for yourself.'

Private therapy is often affordable if prioritized. I did it when I don't work, I paid for it with my PIP. ff he already goes once a week, he could step it up to twice, with a different therapist if need be if he's seeing one and can't get two sessions with them, once he's finished his current course he could try another. He could also call mental health helplines if he needs to talk about things extensively.

This will also be (or will be) taking it's toll on the kids unfortunately. They will be aware of and effected by his moods. This can damage a child's mental health for life, leaving them unable to work etc. You need to think of them and act accordingly, including leaving if you feel you must at some point.

If he acts funny in front of the children, have a word with him about that in private- 'what you did there could/your mood could effect the kids. You need to seek additional help etc.'. If he takes his moods out on the kids, call it out in front of them. My dad had mental health problems and it's damaged by sister and myself for life- I can't work and it effects my relationships etc.

Sorry if I've got a bit heavy. Best wishes. xxxxx

For better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and in health. If he needs a less stressful job yet lower paid to improve his mental health so be it. And as someone who battles every day with their mental health i know it’s a constant struggle he will be having. If the good outweighs the bad with him stick with it. No one said marriage was easy!

@restingbitchface30 Yes but there are limits. OP is a person too with her own needs and limits to what she can cope with. I have bipolar, ADHD with autistic traits, personality disorder traits and some anxiety. I'm severely disabled. I would never want to make my loved one's lives more miserable than necessary, and would keep gettting more and more help to take the burden off them. There's always more that can be done. I would try not to ever make comments around my family that were a buzzkill. I know things can just come out of our mouths sometimes when we're distressed, but usually we're in control of our mouths and can consider how what we say might feel to other people. I'm not saying the OP's husband can't confide in her, but he should try not to be overwhelming, and there are loads of resources he can use.

Gone are the days where people are excessively trapped in a marriage for long periods of time. Yes, be committed, but everyone deserves a happy life.

He started taking antidepressants 6 weeks ago and is due to start counselling soon, so I hope we will see some kind of improvement.

That's good. There's loads of different stuff they can try. As you say he's had issues for 10+ years, he would probably benefit from long term therapy (and maybe long term medication) to try and help prevent this level of depression etc recurring. Make sure he stays on the meds for as long as his doctor advises.

Is this the first time in 10 years that your dh has investigated getting help?

It's okay to feel angry with him though. Your mental health is as important as his and it's better not to suppress what you're feeling, even if you only do it here or with friends. Maybe you could speak to him when he's in a better frame of mind. Remember though, although you can support him, you can't take responsibility for curing his depression. No one can do that except him. But could you get some help from his friends and family? Would they support him a bit?

Would he get help for his depression, from a therapist or doing some CBT exercises at home to reduce stress, like exercise, fresh air, meditation, hobbies, anything that will improve his mood. But if he refuses, you mustn't feel guilty for not being able to cure him, as you really can't.

Sorry crossed posts with several people, including OP.