Hurt by depressed DH's comment

[SleepyChe]

My DH has suffered with depression and anxiety for 10+ years. He is currently signed off from work, and believes his job is the (current) main cause of his depression. I have been incredibly patient with him and supportive of him looking for a lower paid, less stressful job even though it will mean having to change our lifestyle somewhat.

We are currently in the middle of some renovations to our house. He was in a good mood this morning, then all of a sudden announced that this is all too much and that we don’t deserve to live in a nice house and have nice things. We both came from humble beginnings and have worked really hard, both have good jobs and salaries. He said we should not be living where we currently do, in a house like we do (just to set the scene - we live in a rough-round the edges inner London borough, 10 minutes from where we both grew up, in an average 1930’s terrace, not in a mansion, although we are just finishing an extension to make it more comfortable for our family).

I have been so patient, going round and round in circles about whether he should quit his job or not, and all of the other obsessive thoughts that come about as part of his illness. I am exhausted by it all and often feel I am completely alone in raising our children when he’s like this. My job is 10x more stressful than his and I work so bloody hard, both at work and at home. I feel so angry at him for his comments, although I know part of it is because of the depression, but I just wanted to scream at him! I wonder where he believes people “like us” should live, and in which type of house!! I feel like he’s pushed me too far this time and really hit a nerve.

Not really sure if I’m looking for advice, but needed to get it off my chest 😕

He's had 3 "major" episodes in the 10 or so years. The first time he refused medication but did have counselling, which seemed to be helpful.

Second time he took medication for about 6 months and then, against the advice of his GP, just stopped taking them one day, because he felt better and "didn't need them". He also had counselling but not until after he'd come off medication.

This time he says he accepts that he needs to stay on the meds even if he does start to feel better, and this will be the first time he's had counselling at the same time. So we shall see if that makes a difference.

The rest of the time he's cycled between low moods, anxiety and hyper periods.

Whilst he is currently convinced it's his job that is the cause, he has childhood/family issues which have definitely shaped his view of himself and affect his self esteem. His family are not very helpful or supportive, although he has one brother he is very close too. My family are understanding and he does talk to them about it sometimes.

Deep down he is a lovely man with a good soul, and when depression isn't clouding things, we have a nice relationship. It's heartbreaking really.

He's had anxiety and depression for over ten years and only started getting treatment a month or so ago?

Sorry cross posted. Has he had an assessment OP? What's he been diagnosed with if so? The mood swings from depressed to hyper sound like bipolar.

Love, it's early days yet - he's on the pills now, so he will improve, and ditto the counselling will help. Don't give up at this point.

You're at the low point of the process, where you're shattered with the drama and getting the treatment, but too early for results.

Improvements are on the way, promise. In the meantime, DH is probably at that infuriating stage where he's getting teeny bits of energy back, but only to do/say something annoying.

Sit tight, it will get better.

@12345kbm No official diagnosis or assessment. He's only ever gone to the GP when's he's felt extremely low and they've just suggested meds and referred for counselling. I've attended some of the appointments with him and mentioned that it seems to go in cycles between low and high moods, as I also feel he might be bipolar.

He is very convincing when explaining to the GP and friends/family that this is all because his job is too stressful. I find the hyper moods just as hard as the low moods to be honest because he can then be very impulsive. He see's the hyper moods as a good thing as they are so far away from feeling depressed, so he'd never go to the GP when he's like that.

What happens when he's on the antidepressants OP? Did he come off them last time because he was hyper and felt invincible?

What is it about this comment that hot such a nerve? I notice that you say we are just finishing an extension to make it more comfortable for our family like you have to use your family as a justification for making things nice? Is it that secretly there’s part of you that thinks he’s right?

Thank you @Supersimkin2 x

@12345kbm I think it was that he felt so relieved to be feeling more like himself that he felt strong enough to cope without the meds, so yes, I suppose he was feeling a bit invincible.

@TimeForPlentyIn2020 I was just trying to emphasise that the house that he claimed was too good for us is really just a normal average house that we've just extended. Not a massive house we can't afford in a hugely expensive area. His comment made it seem like we are living outside our means, but we aren't.

It sounds like he needs a thorough assessment OP. He needs to take responsibility for his own mental health just as he would with an untreated physical condition that was interfering with his work and family life.

Taking responsibility means getting an assessment, cutting out alcohol, exercising, attending therapy and eating well. He needs to stick to prescribed medication and look for a less stressful job.

I think this comment was the last straw for you and it sounds as though your life for the last ten years, has revolved around his mental health. It's very unfair, especially if he's not doing anything to help himself.

He may also find mindful meditation helpful in order to combat the intrusive and circular thinking.

Relationship therapy may be helpful where you can communicate your feelings clearly to him and he may be able to see how this has affected you.

@12345kbm Thank you for your advice. I am due to attend his next GP appointment so I will raise the need for a proper assessment.

He sounds exhausting OP.

I appreciate that depression can make people horribly self absorbed, but he has no right to take anything out on you when you're bending over backwards to help and support him.

Sometimes people need to raise their eyes from the floor to see what's going on around them - don't be afraid to make him do this.

@12345kbm Or rather, he needs to ask for a proper assessment!

Insist on it OP. I'm also concerned as the mood swings could be due to reasons other than bipolar. Ask for a psychiatric assessment because you are worried that it may be more than depression. Make a note of all symptoms you've noticed and if there is any kind of trigger or pattern to them.

Second time he took medication for about 6 months and then, against the advice of his GP, just stopped taking them one day, because he felt better and "didn't need them".

Could he not understand that he was feeling better because he'd been taking the meds? And didn't he read the notes that come with the meds that states you simply mustn't stop taking them suddenly?

Going through similar here so just wanted to say thanks for posting as the comments are helping me too. It’s absolutely heart wrenching to be the partner. We’ve had some extremely dark times and I think we are both considering splitting up in our situation. We argue every single day and it’s killing me.

He is very convincing when explaining to the GP and friends/family that this is all because his job is too stressful. I find the hyper moods just as hard as the low moods to be honest because he can then be very impulsive. He see's the hyper moods as a good thing as they are so far away from feeling depressed, so he'd never go to the GP when he's like that.

Firstly I think you sound like such a brilliant and strong person. You should be so proud of everything you've accomplished while being an incredibly supportive and understanding partner.

I'm pleased you mentioned bipolar - I have it and your description of his behaviour really does sound worth investigating re bipolar.

Before I was medicated, during manic episodes I would be almost offended that people suggested I needed help (I would go on a bender, be impulsive, spend loads of money, book loads of fun things) and then the low would follow that high.

I would then have a much longer period of depression during which I would either become suicidal or seek help. I would start meds and then when I became manic the cycle would start again.

In my case this was because the anti depressants I was on were lifting my mood which would then surge into mania and round and round I would go.

Have a look at some descriptions of bipolar on the MIND website - I saw them during a precious period of relative stability and it saved my life. It was like reading about myself.

I was desperate for help by that stage but it took a good 5 years previously of the bipolar cycle for me to get to that stage.

It's 100% worth investigating.

AND as someone with mental health issues, I can tell you firmly that MY mental health issues do not mean a partner or loved one should simply accept that it's OK for their mental health to be negatively affected by mine. That is not fair and you have to date done SO much to support him.

You need to put your mental health first and to be honest, until he has more of a reason to seek help having you as such an absolute safety net is a hurdle in the way of him seeking help.

I really feel for you and think you've been kind and understanding but you will burn out of you carry on like this and you don't deserve it

Sleepy both my parents had depression. They had split up and were re married.

My mum always had mental health problems. Had been sectioned a few times and living with her was awful. Massive mood swings from buying us lots of presents and changing the house round to trying to gang herself. My brother and I were constantly walking on egg shells. She’d had a very bad childhood in the care system.

My father met a lovely wife. He was definitely punching above his weight with her. He had a really nice up bringing. He started with depression, slowly I’d say over a few years I don’t think anyone really noticed it. He begrudged her seeing her adult daughter, didn’t want to visit any one yet could be the life and soul of the party if he was dragged out. He blamed every thing on work. He walked out of a really well paid job because apparently all the managers were against him - he was a manager too. He found another job - eventually they were all against him as well. His was very close to his BIl who let him work in his business - eventually he was a dick head too. It’s the same at his new job. It’s always every ones fault. Every one is trying to make his life shit. He emptied the joint bank account and went missing and turned up pissed out of his head at my dgm house crying about how hard done too he was. My dgm phoned his wife up and told her to support him and take him home.

I told her to leave him. My step mother is now on anti depressants too.

That’s why I read the book ‘depression fall out

I could see both of my parents in there. And it talks about the effects his has on your family.

My mum was always messed up because of her childhood but my dad was always funny and well engaged with his kids. But he has changed so much. He is actually quite selfish and very self centred now. I don’t know if it’s the depression or that’s just who he is now.

Because of my two parents I just don’t think I’d be able to be with some one with depression.

Hang not gang

I think that’s a big worry of mine, that right now he is adamant the problem is work, but I’m not convinced that if he quits his job and gets a new one he’ll be any happier. I’m also not convinced that if the shoe was on the other foot he would be as supportive of me changing my job/earning less. @YasssKween you are right, I probably have been acting as a safety net.

I was awake on and off all night (partly due to the storm) and can’t stop crying this morning. He’s apologetic, said he meant that he doesn’t feel worthy of having this life and that I am too good for him. He asked if we can talk but I am tired of talking. It’s just the same things over and over. Meant to be meeting my friend this morning, but just don’t have the energy. I know he is worried now that I’ve had enough, and I don’t want him to feel any worse than he does already but maybe I have just had enough, and if it wasn’t this comment it would have been something else he said that would have upset me.

I will order the Depression Fall Out book, thank you for the recommendations.

Everything you’ve all shared is right and very helpful/eye opening. It’s amazing how a group of strangers on the internet can get you more than people irl, and make you feel a bit less alone.

You are doing great OP.

Sadly I left my bipolar husband in the end as I just couldn't cope with being the emotional punchbag for the issues his awful mother had caused her boy by abandoning him as a child (amongst other things). I continued to support his care with the mental health team and would do anything for him including supporting us financially for 2 years whilst he went off sick then took a 40K pay cut, but I couldn't cope with the eggshells, the things the depression made him say and the absence of the man I married.

The nail in the coffin though was he had an affair for a brief period to try to cheer himself up and told me that was what he did and that led to suicide threats. A truly awful time.

I used to be part of the depression fallout online community but the website closed last year. I still recommend beating the blues Austrialian support group for carers.

Vent away. You need to for your own sanity .

It sounds like short term counselling/CBT is not enough for him, he needs long term in depth psychotherapy, so he can get to the roots of his family dynamics and childhood issues. A relational therapist could look at how he impacts on others with his depression. It's not an easy path, as you have to face up to a lot of painful feelings and do a lot of grieving. But he can't just stop treatment as soon as he feels a bit better because it will keep returning as soon as things start getting stressful.