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Original poster

Another ‘friendship’ marriage - is it just me?

32 replies

Pinkycloud · 08/02/2020 11:59

Don’t really know what I’m hoping to achieve by posting this, but need to talk.

I was married before, got married when I was 27 and he was 25. Had two kids. We were married for 7 years and had clearly fallen out of love. We were co-existing and certainly were, at best, just friends. We divorced, kids are now teens and me and ex-H get on ok. I remarried a couple of years after divorcing exH and had two more kids, now both in primary school. But here I am again. Rumbling along with someone who I have no sexual desire for and little to talk about with. Is this normal? On paper, we have a good, happy life - good jobs, nice home, go on holiday etc (it’s not perfect - we have some stupidly big loans etc and a mortgage) and yet here I am again fantasising about what it would be like to be in a relationship that actually contained some intimacy. Some you fancy, who fancies you. Maybe that’s just asking too much and I should be grateful for all the blessing I do have in my life. Yes, I’ve put on weight, but I think I tend to do that - when I stop fancying the person I’m with I seem to stop giving a damn and pile on weight. I don’t do this consciously, I’ve really only just noticed the connection. But one weird thing about the prospect of losing weight is that DH might fancy me again and might want sex! I don’t want that. And yet, I know if we did split up one of the first things I’d do is she’d the weight and get back to feeling good and desirable again.

DH is lovely. He is a great dad and husband, we share the load and I honestly think he’d be happy to rumble on like this forever. He’s quite emotionally lazy and doesn’t have a romantic bone in his body. He’s kind though and everyone likes him.

What to do 😢

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 08/02/2020 14:12

Sound alike married life doesn't suit you. I suggest you don't get married a third time.

TheBoots · 08/02/2020 14:19

It sounds like you might have unrealistic expectations of what marriage involves - very few couples constantly have the hots for eachother, you have ups and downs, and sometimes the downs can go on for a while, particularly with primary age children! It's interesting that when you feel like you're settled down with someone you loose interest in them and start looking around. Why do you think that is?

PatchworkElmer · 08/02/2020 14:22

I think you need to talk to your husband.

BobbyBlueCat · 08/02/2020 14:23

Well......

You can work at the marriage.

Or leave and allow your husband to be with somebody wants to be with him.

But I'd suggest you don't marry and have more children with somebody else as long term relationships clearly aren't your thing.

DICarter1 · 08/02/2020 14:24

I think for a lot of people day to day life, kids and the mental load erode a relationship. I’m in a similar boat, three kids (two disabled), I work PT and I’m just burnt out. There’s a lot of resentment from my side.

Do you do things just the two of you?

BillywilliamV · 08/02/2020 14:24

I think you maybe need to grow up a little bit, think of yourself a bit less and your it's and DH a bit more.

BillywilliamV · 08/02/2020 14:25

Sorry kids not it's.

Tealady13579 · 08/02/2020 14:27

Sounds like you just aren’t really cut out for marriage. Maybe you settled a bit 2nd time around. I’d say a lot of marriages are like this.

richele4 · 08/02/2020 14:28

You just described a normal marriage to me. Sounds like you should stick to dating and avoid anything long term

Luckystar20 · 08/02/2020 14:29

I agree I dont think being married is for you.

MashedSpud · 08/02/2020 14:31

It seems like you have a movie view of marriage.

It’s extremely difficult to keep that excitement and the rush of fancying someone, especially when you live together, have kids and have a routine. Love is still love but it matures into a less “movie” type love and more into a real life love.

Look at ways you can both inject romance/intimacy into your life. Can someone babysit or have the kids overnight sometimes?

If you feel completely stuck how about couples therapy?

NorthEndGal · 08/02/2020 14:32

I mean, you've said you have already let you self slide into blahs once you have been married a while, maybe you need to fix you, rather than the marriage? Ask yourself why you stopped being your best, and maybe you will understand what he is experiencing too?
Otherwise you will repeat the pattern a third time

emilybrontescorsett · 08/02/2020 14:37

Can you Try and make the effort to look and feel good.
I think you need to re evalue the many positives in your life.
You have children and a loving husband.
I agree that whatever happens do not have any more children.

Original poster
Pinkycloud · 08/02/2020 14:46

Thank you for your replies.

I guess I just didn’t know whether what I was experiencing was typical of married life and, as it is, I can be happy with that.

As for the comments telling me not to have more children, I have some choice words which I will refrain from using. I cannot have more children. I am, however, an excellent mum and love my children beyond measure. They come first in everything I do, perhaps that did not come across.

OP posts:
MyFamilyAndOtherAnimals1 · 08/02/2020 15:19

You need to find some active hobbies to do together - walking, tennis, cycling, running, anything.

If you're active together, you'll raise each other's endorphins :)

Isadora2007 · 08/02/2020 15:25

Yet here I am again fantasising about what it would be like to be in a relationship that actually contained some intimacy. Some you fancy, who fancies you.

But then you go on to say if you lost weight and your husband wanted sex you didn’t want that. So you’re choosing to not have a relationship where someone fancies you.

What’s going on in your head? When did you stop fancying you’re husband and why don’t you want to regain that? What was your model of marriage growing up? You seem to separate romantic passionate love and comfortable relationship love. Why is that? Get some counselling and have a good old look inside what’s going on for your own and your kids sake.

TillyTheTiger · 08/02/2020 15:50

In the lead up to my wedding I read a lot about marriage and one quote which stuck with me was 'a successful marriage means choosing to fall in love with the same person again and again'.
Marriages ebb and flow, and it's unrealistic to expect it to be honeymoon-like for decades. But when things are going stale you can choose to make more effort, suggest date nights, do activities that will help you reconnect (for us it's things like turning the tv off and having a wine and board games night, or playing squash together). If you can leave the kids with someone ty to have a weekend away together? Try to work at it a bit, then re-evaluate how you feel.

VenusTiger · 08/02/2020 16:04

Which came first, the negative feelings towards DH or the ones towards yourself? It's catch 22 - have you tried getting back into shape and organising a date night once per month to just get a feel for what it was like before kids?
I've been with my DH 20yrs and we still fancy each other- although it's okay to have dry spells. We're not teenagers anymore. I think feeling settled can make you lazy, and maybe that's what has happened to the both of you?

mamato3lads · 08/02/2020 17:36

Way too many people settle for.good enough and then these feelings creep in later. Yes, you can still fancy your husband and have him fancy you! Bloody hell, why is that seen as such a rare thing? I have 3 kids with DH, 18 years together and he still gives me butterflies. Ups and downs of course....but the chemistry is still there along with a deep, real life love. It IS possible. If you're truly not happy, dont find your partner attractive or mentally stimulating then seriously.....what are you doing with him? Dont settle. X

M0llyJones · 08/02/2020 18:22

You’ve had a couple of harsh comments here OP. You might find it interesting to compare to my thread here

Although obviously every situation is different.

SouthernComforts · 08/02/2020 18:27

Why do you keep marrying people you don't fancy?

M0llyJones · 08/02/2020 18:36

I’m not sure OP has married people she doesn’t fancy has she? Isn’t it that she has lost the fancying/passion.

FWIW OP, it’s miserable not being with someone you desire and vice versa. I also don’t really know what’s “normal”. I think each person need to work out for themselves whether what they have is good enough or not.

TheBlueStocking · 08/02/2020 19:31

I disagree marriage is not for you. We're human beings. Of course it would be convenient to mate for life, but we don't. And often attempts to leave us in terrible pain. And then facing awful judgement from society for 'failing'.

You deserve to be happy, OP.

Qwerty543 · 08/02/2020 19:41

If you genuinely cannot stand the idea of having sex with your H again then maybe it's just run it's course.

You have had some horrible and judgemental replies. Ignore them.

MitziK · 08/02/2020 20:13

Could you be peri/menopausal? That could be affecting your libido where your husband is concerned. As could whatever has led to you being unable to have further children. And depression as a result of them.

Dating is exciting because of the novelty and insecurity, along with the sex and physical sensations of touch producing lots of oxytocin. If you aren't getting that, you're going to be missing one of the things that keep relationships going.

Would you be bothered if your husband started having an affair? If not, it's probably time to call it a day, but if the idea of him having loads of mind blowing sex with somebody younger/slimmer/happier to see him and touch him upsets, offends or causes you pain, then it's likely to be circumstances that are causing this, not a fundamental breakdown in your marriage.