Another ‘friendship’ marriage - is it just me?

[Pinkycloud]

Don’t really know what I’m hoping to achieve by posting this, but need to talk.

I was married before, got married when I was 27 and he was 25. Had two kids. We were married for 7 years and had clearly fallen out of love. We were co-existing and certainly were, at best, just friends. We divorced, kids are now teens and me and ex-H get on ok. I remarried a couple of years after divorcing exH and had two more kids, now both in primary school. But here I am again. Rumbling along with someone who I have no sexual desire for and little to talk about with. Is this normal? On paper, we have a good, happy life - good jobs, nice home, go on holiday etc (it’s not perfect - we have some stupidly big loans etc and a mortgage) and yet here I am again fantasising about what it would be like to be in a relationship that actually contained some intimacy. Some you fancy, who fancies you. Maybe that’s just asking too much and I should be grateful for all the blessing I do have in my life. Yes, I’ve put on weight, but I think I tend to do that - when I stop fancying the person I’m with I seem to stop giving a damn and pile on weight. I don’t do this consciously, I’ve really only just noticed the connection. But one weird thing about the prospect of losing weight is that DH might fancy me again and might want sex! I don’t want that. And yet, I know if we did split up one of the first things I’d do is she’d the weight and get back to feeling good and desirable again.

DH is lovely. He is a great dad and husband, we share the load and I honestly think he’d be happy to rumble on like this forever. He’s quite emotionally lazy and doesn’t have a romantic bone in his body. He’s kind though and everyone likes him.

What to do 😢

Honestly I wouldn't stay in a sexless marriage where we didn't even talk to each other. I don't expect the crazy passionate stuff to last, but almost six years in I still fancy my husband just as much, we have regular sex and still talk all the time. However we do make space for each to follow their own interests and be their own person so we never run out of discussion points.

I think some people just get ground down by the drudgery of every day living and that connection with your partner gets ground down too

You remarried stop soon.

There’s no point in getting married until your happy alone imo

you’re

What was your parents marriage / relationship like? Maybe that might reflect on how you see / deal with relationships.

You have very unrealistic expectations of life and your maturity level doesn't seem to have increased much over the years. You also sound quite self-absorbed. All this idealising of romance and fancying and others being the emotionally lazy ones sounds very adolescent. Instead of counting your blessings you're dissatisfied and looking to use someone else to please you.

For most of the duration of humankind marriage was an economic union that was formed to rear offspring and pass on family line/wealth. There were no expectations on marriage providing all other fulfilment - eg. romantic, intellectual, companionship, etc All of those other needs were meant to be fulfilled outside of marriage.
It’s only in the 20s century that people started to expect all of their needs to be met within the union with one person.
No wonder many are struggling.
As you do, OP.
It’s natural.
Some manage to find that person, or that mindset that allows that setup to work.
Some struggle - like you.
That’s why many marriages fail and affairs happen. In studies 20-45% of people admit to physical or emotional affairs, meaning that the actual number is probably higher. All it means is that the current view on marriage is flawed.
It will be interesting to see how it evolves as the Tinder generation matures and enters childbearing age.

How long had you been together before you got married? It sounds like less than two years for the second marriage at least, and that's really not enough to know someone well, even when you're not constricted by kids.

Also, do you work, socialise, have hobbies - what do you do for yourself? You can't derive all the interest and excitement in your life from someone else and it's unfair to expect it of them.