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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I dont understand his reaction

42 replies

Feelingblue85 · 08/02/2020 11:34

Morning. First post so will try my best to explain properly.
So every other weekend my children go to their dads from Friday after school to Sunday. On the Friday my partner works till 1.30am and I always pick him up. I was absolutely shattered yesterday and I feel asleep when he called on his break at 9.30pm so he could tell I was tired. He asked if I was still picking him up and I said yes I will be there to rescue him.
I took another nap at 11.30 and set my alarm for 1am. Alarm went off, last thing I remember. Stupidly had my phone on silent so notifications didnt wake me up. I had fallen back to sleep and woke to two missed calls 5 minutes before his end time. Then a text saying "Are you ok?" Then 5 more missed calls 2 minutes between eachother. I quickly called him and he started ranting and raving. I said I'm so sorry I fell back to sleep and my phone was on silent, all I got back was "well that's f*ing helpful for f*k sake, I'm nearly home now anyway" then he put the phone down on me. He got home and I was waiting on the sofa and he came in and could tell he was in a major huff. Came in the front room and wouldnt sit next to me on the sofa (he always does so he was making a point) I said to him "why are you reacting this way, I'm really sorry i didnt plan to fall back to sleep, I'm just so tierd" he replied "just stop and go away" i was like what! You are reacting like this over a lift home from work when you always say you dont mind walking. He just kept saying "go away" I asked him if it was because he was worried if something had happened or because he just wanted his lift and that's all I'm good for, a taxi service.
Just would not speak to me, I got upset and he just ignored everything I said. Went to bed and he still wouldnt acknowledge me. I rubbed his arm and he didnt pull away like he has done before when we argue and he replied goodnight when I said goodnight but I'm just not looking forward to the silent treatment today. He is still asleep and I just know our day alone will be shit. Supposed to be going ice skating and having fun.
I know his cousin passed away in a car accident when they were like 17-18 but if he was worried about me surely he would of just said it rather than throw a tantrum. Am i right in thinking that he is more pissed that he had to walk home or does it sound like he got a fright. This is how he reacts to every argument we have. He wont communicate and goes in a mood and I have to guess what hes thinking.
I'm just feeling so guilty and such an idiot for not getting up as soon as my alarm went off cos I even though "damn I'm going to fall straight back to sleep" then that's they last thing 😔

OP posts:

Aussiebean · 08/02/2020 11:51

I would have been freaking out to if i was expecting someone and they didn’t show.

I think you need to consider if you want to be with a man who deals with problems in the way he does.

But yes, I would have been scared.

category12 · 08/02/2020 12:03

This is how he reacts to every argument we have. He wont communicate and goes in a mood and I have to guess what hes thinking.

There's your answer.

I think it's pretty normal to be peeved/upset if you are expecting a lift - but you didn't intentionally do it. So the normal thing would be to be a bit fucked off but to appreciate that you were knackered and get over it.

His reaction is not OK. It's not OK to give you the silent treatment or behave the way he does every time you have conflict. He needs to work on it and improve his behaviour, and you need to consider whether he's emotionally abusive in this and other ways.

If you stay with him, give up the 1:30am pick-ups - it's not a sensible thing to be doing.

CalleighDoodle · 08/02/2020 12:06

This case alone it could be down to panicking. But it isnt this case alone. And it sounds like he regulalry gives you the silent treatment. This could be an abusive relationship.

Also why is your ex having the children every weekend all weekend and you get all the school days?! How’s that fair on you?!

HotGlueGun · 08/02/2020 12:11

How far away does he work? And why do you always pick him up?

Original poster

Feelingblue85 · 08/02/2020 12:12

He doesnt believe he does anything wrong when he reacts this way. I honestly made a mistake and I shouldn't of had my phone on silent but it was constantly going off with notifications etc. I feel really guilty cos he has worked so hard this week and has been absolutely shattered and we have had such a good week together. Recently it's been a bit tense due to us both being tired and all the work he has been given in his job. But if he was reacting like that because he was worried then surely he could just say that. It seems to me like he is pissed off because I wasnt there to bring him home and he had to walk home. I have taken him to work everyday this week at 7.45pm, keeping my children up so we can take him to work. He said he could walk to work but I offered to take him this is the one time he has had to walk to or from work this week but that's not thought about

OP posts:

Qwerty543 · 08/02/2020 12:12

He wasn't panicking as that's how he reacts every time. I would bin him off. No way would I be treated like that. I split from ex who wouldn't communicate when and what he was annoyed about. I never knew what he was thinking. It was exhausting.

restingbitchface30 · 08/02/2020 12:13

I would have been pretty miffed too to be honest but it was the way he reacted that’s the problem. He overreacted massively. Just explain you can understand why he was irritated but his reaction has upset you and he shouldn’t expect you to handle a reaction like this.

Original poster

Feelingblue85 · 08/02/2020 12:13

He works about 20-25 minutes walk away, 5 minutes in the car. I only pick him up on the Friday the kids arent here just because he has a lot of work during the week

OP posts:

CalleighDoodle · 08/02/2020 12:14

You are making your children's life worse accommodating him. Why are you doing that?

category12 · 08/02/2020 12:16

He should get a bicycle and grow the fuck up.

MrsSpenserGregson · 08/02/2020 12:17

It would only take him 20-25 minutes to walk to work, yet this prince amongst men is happy for you to keep your kids up past their bedtime in order to drop him off, and for you to have to get out of bed and go and pick him up at 1.30 in the fucking morning.

Dump. Him.

(And that's before we even get to the silent treatment that he's doling out).

HotGlueGun · 08/02/2020 12:19

I think it's unreasonable of him to get a lift from you at that time. It's late... he knew you were tired. He should just've let you sleep when he spoke to you the first time and either walked or got a taxi back. I can understand why he'd be annoyed at a no show.... but I don't think he should be accepting lifts off you in the first place.

Original poster

Feelingblue85 · 08/02/2020 12:20

My kids dont come with me when I pick him up. They stay with their dad every other weekend so I only pick him up on that Friday.
He has a bike! But he got a bad back not long ago and cycle flares it up. He is up now and sat next to me on the sofa but it saying nothing. I can understand if I scared him but come home say " I was bloody scared that something had happened to you, bit tired and grumpy but it's happened and not to worry"
I feel all the guilt cos he reacted like I inconvenienced him to walk home for once

OP posts:

Original poster

Feelingblue85 · 08/02/2020 12:22

I was the one who offered the lifts every other Friday. I'm usually awake anyway but yesterday I was just exhausted, I had started going to the gym this week to get myself out the house and get healthy and they kids had woken up a few times in the week so it just all caught up with me

OP posts:

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 08/02/2020 12:25

He is being VVU to expect you to come and pick him up in the middle of the night when you’re clearly exhausted. And while I get that he could be worried and annoyed, his hissy fit is bang out of order. And why are you keeping your kids up late to walk this man child to work, can he not cross a road without a lollipop lady?

TwentyViginti · 08/02/2020 12:25

Oh ffs just go out somewhere nice on your own and stop pandering to his sulks

category12 · 08/02/2020 12:27

It's up to you whether you let him spoil your weekend.

Withdraw the lifts and go out and do something nice.

SalmonOfKnowledge · 08/02/2020 12:29

YOu have the RIGHT to make a mistake.

That's not a licence to be cavalier with others' feelings but you weren't. It wasn't deliberate.

You made a mistake.

As is your right.

You can change your mind too.

I'd get him to move out. YOu cannot have a relationship with somebody when they won't communicate with you.

user14572856389 · 08/02/2020 12:30

Why why why why why are you pursuing a relationship with someone who has a pattern of behaving like this?

It's wrong that he's using the silent treatment to control your behaviour and it's wrong that you know to expect it and now seem to think it's normal. It's not.

I can't believe you pick him up at 1.30am and are setting alarms to wake yourself up to fetch someone who can get himself home perfectly easily. That's bizarre. If someone was mad enough to be getting out of bed to fetch me in the early hours of the morning I would be embarrassed, and if they didn't show my first assumption would be that they were asleep!

His behaviour is appalling. I don't understand why you would continue this relationship. It's toxic.

SalmonOfKnowledge · 08/02/2020 12:32

He is not going to suddenly say ''oh yes, you're right, I over reacted, I enjoyed making you feel terrible, that made me feel powerful! I see it now, I apologise, I will CHANGE''.

That is never going to happen.

You don't need him to understand either, you can just decide for yourself, this is unnecessary bullshit.

user14572856389 · 08/02/2020 12:34

I can understand if I scared him but come home say " I was bloody scared that something had happened to you, bit tired and grumpy but it's happened and not to worry"

That's what a decent human being would have done.

I feel all the guilt cos he reacted like I inconvenienced him to walk home for once

This is what a manipulative, controlling person does.

SalmonOfKnowledge · 08/02/2020 12:35

I CANNOT believe he sent all those texts and made all those phonecalls before he just set off walking, a mere 25 minute walk!

I cannot believe he expected you to get out of bed to go and collect him rather than get sleep!

He is a taker. You are a giver. This dynamic will keep rolling in its own dysfunctional way unless you step away. But make no mistake, a giver and a taker can carry on for years. the giver is miserable. but when the giver tries to leave he/she is made to feel like a cold/heartless/ruthless/selfish monster for asserting their right to have a need met.

TorkTorkBam · 08/02/2020 12:35

Zero lifts from now on.

I am weirded out by how simpering you were to get him to not be a dick to you last night. It sounds like you panic if he's in a huff. Why is that?

Normal reaction would be for you to apologise then go back to bed. The huff is for him to get over on his own.

Mind you, all those lifts at awkward times are really weird too. Stop doing them.

Does he live with you?

Sumsuch · 08/02/2020 12:39

Right.....

That whole " I was so worried about you..."

What a pile of crap.

If he was genuinely worried, then he would have been relieved when you picked up the phone. You fell back asleep. You didn't deliberately stand him up. He is only worried about himself.

So, let's get this straight.

He cares so much about your wellbeing and safety, yet he:
Let's your kids stay up late to drive him, a grown man, to work.

He's happy for you to stay up until ( or get up at) 1.30 to pick him up

As punishment he gives you the silent treatment for extended periods.

And you feel guilty?

How much have you and your children accommodated him and his needs? I have no doubt that all the adaptations were your idea. After all, he works so hard...

Most grown ups work hard. As a matter of fact, most grown ups have a commute that is more than a 20, 25 minute walk.
It doesn't give them the right to be shitty to their partners.
He taking the piss, bug time.

Careersytype · 08/02/2020 12:40

big, even

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