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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's Ex annoys me with entitled questioning - help me get over this?

44 replies

NextATime · 08/02/2020 10:59

I don't know if entitled questioning is the right way to phrase it...

Husband's Ex has always seemed very entitled as to what she thinks she should know about our lives. This can range to really sensitive things like why I've been in hospital for example to really simple things like why have you bought a new sofa, what was wrong with yours, why did you go there at the weekend you don't even like that kind of place etc...

I feel like everything we do is quizzed, questioned, sarcastically commented on. They have a child together so NC is not an option but she uses this as a reason why she feels she should be told things.

I went through a really hard time and was admitted to hospital a while back. I started to come out the other side and shared a fundraiser on Facebook for the particular condition that was involved and said I wanted to share what I'd been through etc... Queue ranting texts to H about how she should not have needed to find out through Facebook, should have told her first etc. this had literally nothing to do with the woman and did not in any way shape or form affect her child. She just thinks she's entitled to know everything little thing about DHs life and therefore mine by default.

It's really starting to bug me, the big things were the major catalyst but now I'm starting to get wound up by the questioning of the smaller things as well now because I can see the pattern.

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 08/02/2020 11:02

Serves you right for putting on Facebook where anyone could see it! It was obviously not a confidential matter, you told the world and she obviously thought she was a bit closer than the rest of the world.

I don't like the tone with which she asks questions but I doubt she means any harm, she may want to be friendly. I'm sure you can be suitably vague or doing something in another room if she starts.

Really hope you are on the mend. Being in hospital is 'orrible. I was in for eight days last April including over Easter. Never again.

Liveandforget · 08/02/2020 11:02

Dh needs to tell her to mind her own business. In fact, you need to say it to her also. Present a united front, she'll get the message. If dh won't support you, he is the problem.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 08/02/2020 11:03

How old is their child and why on earth is she your Facebook friend

scotsllb · 08/02/2020 11:04

How weird! She seems to lack boundaries and is quite controlling and maybe doesn't realise it?
Maybe your husband could have a quiet word along the lines of "we are keeping such and such a private matter" or something.
Do they get on and you are interpreting it in a different way? The couch thing maybe if they are friendly asking what you needed a new couch for was just chat but it would irritate me so I don't blame you for how you are feeling

FuckKnowsMate · 08/02/2020 11:05

Does he actually answer her questions? Can’t you both just ignore her unless it’s anything to do with their child?

scotsllb · 08/02/2020 11:06

BlueRussian I don't think that's very fair she can post what she likes without having to inform her DH'S ex first surely?

Original poster
NextATime · 08/02/2020 11:07

Serves you right for putting on Facebook where anyone could see it!

I wasn't bothered at all that she saw the post. I assumed she probably would at some point. But the expectation that we should have discussed my health with her first is what really got me annoyed. It's absolutely nothing to do with her. She's my husband's Ex, she's not my friend. It was my health condition, not his. I could understand needing to know first if something was going on with him but me??

And I get what you're saying about it could just be chat but I think when you hear the way it's said, it sounds very sarcastic. I can't explain it all that well.

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 08/02/2020 11:08

You husband needs to tell her that unless it directly involves the child it simply is none of her buisness unless he does this it will always be an issue

scotsllb · 08/02/2020 11:08

Yeah that sounds really annoying I would suggest you both ignore those types of questions and stick to ones relating to dc only

Original poster
NextATime · 08/02/2020 11:08

why on earth is she your Facebook friend

She's not. I don't really know exactly how she saw it but I suspect H probably has some mutual friends who decided to tell her. As I say I don't care that she saw it, it obviously wasn't some huge secret anymore as I'd put it on FB to try and raise funds but it was the expectation that she should have known first.

OP posts:
12345kbm · 08/02/2020 11:10

Take her off all social media and ask your partner not to mention you to her. Be vague.

strawberrygrape · 08/02/2020 11:13

Your husband just needs to send one text saying that she needs to respect your privacy as a couple and that contact is only to be made with regards to the child. He should say that he will not respond to any other types of messages.
The best thing to do with ranting text messages is ignore them. Eventually she will give up.

Original poster
NextATime · 08/02/2020 11:13

And she's not 'closer than the rest of the world' to me? She has a child with my husband but that doesn't give her an automatic right to know my business (not his) before anyone else does it? Was I supposed to go and have a coffee with a woman I barely know to discuss my medical conditions before I was allowed to share them with others?

OP posts:
Original poster
NextATime · 08/02/2020 11:15

Yes H usually just laughs off the smaller stuff or just acts confused as to why she's even asking. But he did tell her he didn't think it was her business re the hospital thing.

OP posts:
LadyMonicaBaddingham · 08/02/2020 11:16

"Well as it had nothing to do with [DC name] there was no need to inform you, was there?“ Stock answer for you both from now on... Stick it on a post-it near the phone to remind you both!

Sickandscared · 08/02/2020 11:17

I would not appreciate this at all. She is determined to be given a position of status in your family when in fact the only relevance she has is regarding the child.

I had a similar problem with my DP's ex. It was infuriating. She seemed to think our home (which we found together, she never lived in it and he never lived in it without me) was their other house. A therapist told us we needed to 'ring fence' our relationship - do it calmly and consistently. Her advice was to simply only communicate with her on child related matters, that she was attempting to continue any sort of relationship with my partner and get in between us via me. I ignored every single irrelevant message she sent me and when they got more aggressive / accusatory I sent one very patronising mail saying please stop making up excuses to contact me, if there is a genuine concern regarding your children then of course get in touch but I find your level of interest in me uncomfortable and inappropriate.

Original poster
NextATime · 08/02/2020 11:17

He'd rather remain as amicable as possible for DCs sake though so he tries to tread carefully which I do understand but it doesn't stop it being annoying.

OP posts:
hawaiianturtle · 08/02/2020 11:17

You haven't said what your husband does when she asks these things? If he answers her and tells her anything about you then you have a dh problem. My DH hasn't told his ex anything about me and she hasn't asked, I look after their son on my own sometimes to help out and she has no issues. She trusts that her sons dad can judge who is good enough to be around their son and that's enough. It's the same with my ex, I have 3 kids and I completely trust his judgement when it comes to their safety and who they have contact with, if I didn't I wouldn't allow him access in the first place.

Original poster
NextATime · 08/02/2020 11:18

She is determined to be given a position of status in your family when in fact the only relevance she has is regarding the child

This is exactly what it feels like.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 08/02/2020 11:19

Never respond to any questions that are not about the kid

And I mean never. No response at all. The problem is the responding at all. You've both clearly been responding at some point about minutae (sofas?) and now about your condition.

Say nothing, ever.

Original poster
NextATime · 08/02/2020 11:20

You haven't said what your husband does when she asks these things?

I've said he usually laughs off the smaller stuff or just acts confused as to why she's asking (in the hope she will get the hint that it's bloody weird).

But did tell her he didn't think it was her business re the hospital thing.

She never speaks to me. When I've been there it's a very curt hello at the most. These are questions she directs at H solely.

OP posts:
Original poster
NextATime · 08/02/2020 11:23

It's a bit hard to not respond at all when its face to face. A lot of this stuff is at drop off/pick up.

For example, we bought bikes for us and DC and started going riding. Next drop off there was load of questioning about why we'd bought bikes, we aren't even into fitness, H doesn't even like bike riding etc etc. Just really weird, to me anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
NextATime · 08/02/2020 11:24

I'm sure some of it I'm overreacting definitely. I think the big things got my back up that now the smaller insignificant stuff seems more than it is.

OP posts:
FraglesRock · 08/02/2020 11:26

How does she know all this stuff.
And does she ask in person or by text

mummmy2017 · 08/02/2020 11:28

She sounds like she has no life.
Is bored and so stalks you.