Husband's Ex annoys me with entitled questioning - help me get over this?

[NextATime]

I don't know if entitled questioning is the right way to phrase it...

Husband's Ex has always seemed very entitled as to what she thinks she should know about our lives. This can range to really sensitive things like why I've been in hospital for example to really simple things like why have you bought a new sofa, what was wrong with yours, why did you go there at the weekend you don't even like that kind of place etc...

I feel like everything we do is quizzed, questioned, sarcastically commented on. They have a child together so NC is not an option but she uses this as a reason why she feels she should be told things.

I went through a really hard time and was admitted to hospital a while back. I started to come out the other side and shared a fundraiser on Facebook for the particular condition that was involved and said I wanted to share what I'd been through etc... Queue ranting texts to H about how she should not have needed to find out through Facebook, should have told her first etc. this had literally nothing to do with the woman and did not in any way shape or form affect her child. She just thinks she's entitled to know everything little thing about DHs life and therefore mine by default.

It's really starting to bug me, the big things were the major catalyst but now I'm starting to get wound up by the questioning of the smaller things as well now because I can see the pattern.

The problem here is that your DH has failed to put boundaries in place. If he is answering her questions she is going to keep asking them. All your H needs to say is that it’s none of her concern/business or whatever on repeat.

The hospital thing was in text. The rest is mostly in person.

A lot of it I suspect is because DC goes home and mentions things like, new sofa delivered for example.

The bike thing I can only explain it as being completely sarcastic about the fact we are trying to get a bit fitter. Like pffft, you? exercising? Why? It's not said in a friendly inquisitive way. It's said with a lot of sarcasm and negativity

Sorry, cross post. It's definitely weird. She needs telling once and for all by your DH that any sort of questioning will no longer be tolerated unless directly concerning the child. Like for example with the bikes the only question I would of tolerated when she found out was is the child in protective clothing? Yes. Great. That's it. Everything else needs nipping in the bud otherwise it'll just get worse. Tell him he will just have to be blunt.

It does seem odd.

Why did she think he should have told her about you being in hospital first?

I think DH needs to learn some polite brush off phrases when she asks these things face to face.

If you don't want her to know your business why on earth do you have her as a FB friend? Makes no sense at all.

I'll mention it to H again. He's very non confrontational so he just prefers an easy life.

I obviously don't know her all that well but from the conversations I've heard/texts I've seen etc.. she seems quite domineering over H. Talks down to him a lot, thinks she's better etc... He usually just 'smiles and waves' because he doesn't want the hassle.

Chocolate, I've already said I don't have her as a friend. I don't know how she saw it/who sent it her. I suspect it may be mutual friends that H has (he doesn't have her either).

And again I really don't care that she saw it, I don't care that she knows. If I wanted to keep it some big secret I wouldn't have shared it anywhere. It's the fact that she was annoyed we hadn't told her first.

I suspect she is trying to tell your DH that he's doing things he wouldn't otherwise choose to d because you want to do them and he would be happier if he were back with her.

She wants to know what's happening with you so she can undermine you when talking to him.

You both need to grey rock her on everything other than contact arrangements.

I think the only person who can change things is your DH. If you alone say something to her I can guarantee she will carry on. Your DH needs to put his foot down and tell her all of this stuff is none of her business.
They should only be contacting regarding the DC, not your personal lives.
Speak to your DH, it doesn't matter if he just wants an easy life and be amicable, she needs to mind her own business.

Sorry I missed the post where you said she wasn't a FB friend. I would be inclined to very bluntly tell her to mind her own business and only discuss matters relating to the kids. My ex tried to interfere in my finances for years after we split ('oh you've bought a new handbag, shouldn't you be saving money for our daughter's university education?') Once I'd told him to fuck off out of my business a few times he soon got the message.

That would annoy me OP. It's like he has to justify everything to her (bikes etc). Can he not just say 'because we wanted to' when she makes these odd enquiries? I have a very nosey aunt. I just ignore this sort of question or respond as above.

As is so often the case you don't have an Ex problem, you have an H problem.

By tiptoeing round her she never gets told to butt out and consequently has no incentive to stop.

Next time she does this, your H needs to tell her that it's not her concern, that her questions are rude and intrusive and that they need to stick to communicating about their child.

sounds bitter, that pfft about exercising.
and the sofa, jealous?
ignore op,
dont deal with her.

How did you meet your DP? I'm assuming he had split from his Ex before you two entered into a relationship?
I think it It comes across as if she perhaps isn't over him and has some resentment of his new life with you? Hence the comments regarding new places he visits with you and the new stuff you buy? (Bikes, sofa)

Unless it effects their child then it’s nothing to do with her and he should just ignore her or ask why she’s asking. So the fact you were in hospital probably effected their DC so I’d expect her to know but not the ins and outs.

I see why you're feeling exposed!

What's your health to her!? It is odd. I'd block her on fb, that way, even if a fundraiser is ''open'' I don't think she would be able to see it.

Hi OP, slightly different perspective here. I agree with everyone else about the sofas and bikes etc. But the health thing I can potentially see is relevant to her child - presumably the kid lives with you and DH some of the time & you are in sole charge of him sometimes - therefore if eg you had been suicidal I would want to know and I wouldn’t be happy finding out second hand. If it has no bearing on the kid I agree with everyone else. Just another perspective to consider.

I think he needs a stock answer of
"Because we wanted to"

Gives no information but is still polite.

I'd try to get him to dump any mural friends that aren't actually friends and try to speed up the interaction in person.
Any personal texts should get ignored if they're not child related.

I just read your updates. She sounds extremely annoying. With the bike thing it's like she is trying to establish that she knows him better than you. Something very similar happened in my house I smiled broadly and said 'well given how that marriage turned out I hope his behaviour has now changed"

I think you and he need to discuss stock answers that turn it back on her
"Why are you asking?"
"Thanks for your interest but it really doesn't concern you"
"I'm sure you have other things to keep yourself busy wondering about"
"You're very curious. Slow news day?"

Do not explain or justify anything.