Looking for an outside perspective. Time waster?

[Chocolates123]

Hi

I've been seeing a man for a little over thre months (we've known each other as good friends for six). Things are progressing well, I think. We meet maybe once or twice a week (always arranged by me) and he is very affectionate during these meetings. Face-to-face I have no issues with us, we get on well.

We have a tendency to go around in circles when it comes to keeping in contact over message though. We speak pretty much every day, and he initiates the conversation about 90% of the time. When we were friends, he would message me all day, every day. During this first few weeks of us seeing each other, he was the same. This then started to die down quite a lot, and his messages turned dry, with no follow up questions, but he would still initiate. It got to a point where I didn't even want to reply to his messages because it would be really difficult to keep the conversation flowing and I'd always feel like he really didn't want to carry it on.

On a couple of occasions, I've pulled back a little and decided to stick to being friends. Mainly because I was fed up with being the one to arrange things. On both occasions, he has completely changed and bombarded me with affectionate messages, telling me how much I mean to him etc until I cave and say let's try again. He will then keep up this affection and increased contact for a few days before turning dry again.

He now quite often doesn't speak to me all day, but sends a message quite late, when he presumes I'm asleep (between 11 and 11.30 ISH). The message is usually quite nice, and follows the pattern of 'hope your day was ok', 'i miss you/can't wait to see you'.

I originally thought these goodnight messages were cute, but now I'm thinking are they actually just messages to tick off the 'keeping in contact' box, without having to engage in conversation with me (because he presumes I'm asleep).

Can't really work him out. I often think maybe he's not that into me, but when we do meet, everything is good. It all makes me feel a little uncertain. Can't really be bothered with time wasters, if that's what he is. I'd understand if he was a rubbish texter (I know these exist) but he has shown himself to be quite a keen texter on several occasions.

He’s only interested if he thinks you’re upping and leaving.

Yeah, that's what I thought too. Not sure what to make of it though.

A part of me thinks that as long as things are still good face-to-face, then just get on with it. But then another part of me thinks, is he really that interested?

I think he sounds like hard work, to be honest. I'd not put up with this - it's a form of manipulation. I can't stand game-playing.

Can't really work him out. I often think maybe he's not that into me, but when we do meet, everything is good. It all makes me feel a little uncertain.

You're looking for an outside perspective, OP, but what's wrong with your inside perspective? If your relationship with him is making you feel a way you don't want to feel, then you need to either talk to him and see if you can find a way through, or leave.

It doesn't matter if he's a 'timewaster', or somebody who doesn't communicate well, or whatever label you want to assign to him. Take responsibility for your own happiness rather than trying to label him.

I’d go with your gut instinct.

Sounds like he enjoys the chase but put minimal effort in when he ‘gets you’ to keep you hanging on

I have tried to speak to him about it. He apologises and says he hasn't noticed the change/of course he wants to talk to me etc etc.

I do like him and I enjoy spending time with him. I just don't want to be led on. He says he has feelings for me, never met someone like me, the usual stuff. While on the surface this answers my question, words don't always mean much by themselves.

I guess I'm looking for an outside perspective because it'd be a shame if this is quite normal behaviour and I've just been overthinking and end up ruining something which could have been good.

A person with whom you can have a healthy relationship wouldn't have you feeling you're possibly being 'led on', 3 months in. This isn't about him and his behaviour. There isn't a rule book. He's doing what comes naturally to him. If it's making you uncomfortable and you can't talk it through and find a healthy solution together, are you happy to live with that?

OP, 'normal behaviour' is a MASSIVE range. Some of it will make you uncomfortable (and me, and anybody, and everybody) Even if a person's behaviour is 'normal', it's still up to you to decide whether you like it or not.

I hate the opera. But it's not it's not an abnormal or wrong thing. Should I force myself to listen to it, simply because opera hasn't 'done anything wrong'?

I understand where you're coming from. I guess I just don't know if I'm expecting too much from him and being unreasonable. Like with the late night messages, maybe they are just his way of being affectionate, and not a sign he wants to keep me around but not have to engage in conversation.

How would you interpret those?

That's my point, OP. It doesn't matter how anybody else interprets his behaviour. He's just doing his thing.

Some people might find it hard to date, say, a smoker, or somebody who has a fry up every day. There would be no point in asking others whether it was 'normal' to smoke/have a fry up, in order to ascertain whether they were being unreasonable or asking too much.

Respect your own personal perspective and your own personal emotional responses. You are very well worth it.

I'm sorry if I'm being strident but I paid tons for counselling in order to learn this for myself and it's not even complicated. I wish someone had stridently told me!

On both occasions, he has completely changed and bombarded me with affectionate messages, telling me how much I mean to him etc until I cave and say let's try again. He will then keep up this affection and increased contact for a few days before turning dry again.

Manipulation. And he's done it repeatedly. So he'd do the same if you raise other issues in future. How many times do you see women posting because their "partner" isn't pulling his weight with their child and every time she asks him to step up he pretends to be surprised for a few days then reverts to form.

He doesn't sustain the affectionate messages because it's not real. It's just a bit of lovebombing and "look, see, I'm doing what you want" to keep hold of you. It's not genuine. (Bombarding with affectionate messages isn't normal imo.)

He now quite often doesn't speak to me all day, but sends a message quite late, when he presumes I'm asleep (between 11 and 11.30 ISH

It's not cute to send someone a good night message when you know they'll be asleep.

He says he has feelings for me, never met someone like me, the usual stuff.

The "never met someone like you" line is a bit much for someone who hasn't known you long and is showing through his actions he can't be arsed.

Your instincts are telling you this isn't right for you and isn't going to work as a healthy relationship. Listen to yourself and stop letting his manipulative words make you doubt yourself.

I think I'm a bit like this friend. I try not to 'waste' time on texting during the day because there's so much to do. And if there isn't - there should be! I value face to face time a lot more. I'm absolutely capable of texting and having a good chat but if I know I can meet someone in person soon then I'd rather do that and not bother with texting.

Can you (did you) tell him that you'd like him to message you more?

I've been thinking about telling him he seems to dry off when he's not chasing, but I don't want to come across as crazy. Is that crazy?

Time waster who manipulates you when he feels he's losing your interest. He likes to keep you dangling and it shouldn't be this hard work so soon.

I couldn't be bothered with him but of course it's up to you if you can?

Basically he was a keen texter until he got you. Then he's keen when he might be losing you. Otherwise he doesn't bother. Throw this fish back, op.

It's not crazy, but it's pointless telling him. He'll just up his game again for a couple of days and then revert. Too much like hard work, op.

I think life was easier before we relied on texting people, and reading what they meant by their words or patterns of text behaviour.

You should go with your gut, as trying to read into it, or asking people here on mumsnet is no substitute.

I love my OH very much but I couldn’t sustain the level of messaging you want when we are apart. I just about squeeze in one or two texts. Not even every day. These are usually closed but affectionate statements unless I have an actual question. There might have been a bit more when we first got together. But not a lot.

Basically I don’t communicate much through tech. I don’t even like lots of phoning. I do make a lot more effort, using face time, when he is on long distance trips for work which I know make him feel lonely. But not when he is on a 3 day conference in Leeds.

If it's making you feel like this then it's not worth it. It's a power play to him and he likes knowing he's got you hooked waiting for hiM to get in touch. He's manipulating you to keep you on the back foot and grateful for when he does show you attention and interest. He's not going to change, this is who he is. Don't you want better from a relationship?

I wouldn't know how to word it if I were to bring it up. "You only seem to make an effort if we've fallen out"? I don't want to come across as hard work and put him off.

I replied to his late night message this morning, he's read and ignored.

Just dump him. No one needs this game playing.

If it's good and affectionate when you're together then I would pay attention to that.. I have had good partners who were lousy texters and vice versa.. would much rather have someone who I connected with face to face!.. Also, you said he inititates about 90% of the time.. after 3 minths I would usually expect it to be more equal in terms of initiating conversations. If it's always the man initiating then that sets up a very unequal active/passive power dynamic.

I don't want to come across as hard work and put him off.

Well he clearly doesn't give a damn about doing that to you. You'll kick yourself one day for not listening.