Looking for an outside perspective. Time waster?

[Chocolates123]

Hi

I've been seeing a man for a little over thre months (we've known each other as good friends for six). Things are progressing well, I think. We meet maybe once or twice a week (always arranged by me) and he is very affectionate during these meetings. Face-to-face I have no issues with us, we get on well.

We have a tendency to go around in circles when it comes to keeping in contact over message though. We speak pretty much every day, and he initiates the conversation about 90% of the time. When we were friends, he would message me all day, every day. During this first few weeks of us seeing each other, he was the same. This then started to die down quite a lot, and his messages turned dry, with no follow up questions, but he would still initiate. It got to a point where I didn't even want to reply to his messages because it would be really difficult to keep the conversation flowing and I'd always feel like he really didn't want to carry it on.

On a couple of occasions, I've pulled back a little and decided to stick to being friends. Mainly because I was fed up with being the one to arrange things. On both occasions, he has completely changed and bombarded me with affectionate messages, telling me how much I mean to him etc until I cave and say let's try again. He will then keep up this affection and increased contact for a few days before turning dry again.

He now quite often doesn't speak to me all day, but sends a message quite late, when he presumes I'm asleep (between 11 and 11.30 ISH). The message is usually quite nice, and follows the pattern of 'hope your day was ok', 'i miss you/can't wait to see you'.

I originally thought these goodnight messages were cute, but now I'm thinking are they actually just messages to tick off the 'keeping in contact' box, without having to engage in conversation with me (because he presumes I'm asleep).

Can't really work him out. I often think maybe he's not that into me, but when we do meet, everything is good. It all makes me feel a little uncertain. Can't really be bothered with time wasters, if that's what he is. I'd understand if he was a rubbish texter (I know these exist) but he has shown himself to be quite a keen texter on several occasions.

He's doing the bare minimum to ensure he keeps you on side enough to get a shag next time he sees you.

We meet maybe once or twice a week (always arranged by me)

Ok, so stop doing that. No more initiating arrangements. Then you can see if he will go beyond late night texting to actually asking to meet up.

Do your affectionate meetups always include sex?

They don't always include sex. Sometimes we will meet for lunch and things

Personally I think this is a bit of a non-issue. I dare say I'm older than you and can remember a time when mobiles were a relatively new thing. (Actually I can remember the good old days before they were even invented!!).

From my point of view, it's totally normal to not be in constant contact all day every day, and late evening contact would be a chat over the phone or maybe texts late evening before going to bed so you could catch up on the day and say goodnight etc.

When you were just friends, he was probably chasing you all the time, hence the regular texts. Now you are in a relationship he probably doesn't feel the need. Again, par for the course.

Just take it easy and don't over-analyse it all, but I agree with other pp that you should stop initiating all the meet-ups and let him do it sometimes.

Ok, I would just stop initiating things. That push pull stuff is so draining.
I would start dating others again.

This is the guy who gets married and promptly ignores his wife for the next 50 years.

End it.

You arrange all your meet-ups?

Come on OP!

Is your life overall happier because he is in it?

I had one of these types and because everything was wonderful when we were together it carried on for nearly a year. In the end though I realised that if you are constantly questioning how someone feels about you, then it doesn’t really matter. If he’s not making you happy: there’s your answer.

And no, you won’t be ruining something that could’ve been great. If it were going to be great, it would already be great.

I'm not entirely sure why you think he needs to be texting you all day though? You both clearly just have very different expectations here. Unlike everyone else, I wouldn't be so quick to end things just because he doesn't text you lots (that is just crazy). However, if you're gut is telling you something then maybe he's just not right for you.
I think you either have to accept this is what he's like when you're not together, or end things. Don't expect him to change because he's shown he can't sustain it.

I suppose it's not the expectation he should be texting all day, but the distinct drop in text messages when he's not 'chasing' as such

He's obviously not interested if he never makes the plans for meeting up.

Wait for him to ask you out. Go out with friends do your own thing and make wonder what your doing.

It depends what you're looking for. If you want someone to go on dates with now and then, fine. If you're looking for something like a serious relationship, I think you're on a hiding to nothing with this one.

It does seem to me that he's quite superficial whereas you're looking for something more meaningful. If that's the case, I wouldn't waste anymore time on him. Some people just want to know they have someone there, without getting too close. If that's what both parties want, that's fine, but where one wants more it just leaves them dangling.

Chocolates123, in terms of how to word it, I would just say 'I wish you messaged me more often when we're apart. I miss you so much'.

Maybe he doesn't text so much now as he is going to see you soon anyway so it's a bit pointless.
That said, if he's not texting to suggest arrangements to meet up then maybe he's not that into you.

Personally I couldn't be bothered with this shit and I'd bin him. It's only been three months - you should be all loved up. It shouldn't be this hard work this early on.