Is this within the bounds of normal?

[Earlgrey19]

Am I wrong to wonder if I want to leave?

Here’s what’s been happening. DH is a very anxious parent, but struggles with insight into himself and can’t recognise the anxiety, but thinks each instance is totally reasonable. DC are 5 & 2, when they were a bit younger he was too anxious to drive anywhere further than about 15 mins with them in case they cried or DS needed the loo, so we couldn’t go anywhere. If we did attempt it it’d be miserable because he’d be so tense. If the DC are ill he gets very worried, and if i take their temperature he can’t stop himself from walking over and checking it another 3 times in case I’ve got it wrong. Now he’s very invested in routines, eg the routine to get DS1 ready for school in time in the morning. We share the tasks but if he finds I’ve diverged from it, eg I’ve gone off to change DC1’s dirty nappy without telling him (so he can step in), he gets very agitated. If I say this feels controlling he gets very upset and can’t see it. Lately he has tried to stop me putting my son’s coat on and giving him a hug (if DH is doing drop off) as he gets agitated that I am slowing things down — he thinks he is faster. For ages he’d get v stressed and shitty with me if we were out and weren’t going to be home to have DCs dinner on the table by exactly 5pm, or if DC’s nap was going to be late. Ditto if I’m perceived to be getting in the way of DH going to bed early enough — he is anxious about sleep. If anyone is thinking could he be autistic, the answer is I think he could have traits but he absolutely isn’t open to considering that or to considering that he feels anxiety in relation to the kids. Impossible to have those conversations. His perspective is that we should both respect the things each other finds important (ie for him, the routines).

I’ve lately been feeling miserable and wondering if separating would be best. I’ve told him this yesterday and he is now barely speaking to me (though he did initially try to reach out, so I thought it was hopeful, but he has now sunk into angry gloom. I guess it’s a lot to think about.

On the plus side when he’s not being so stressy we get on well and we can be close, and he can be kind and is pretty dedicated. I love him but find him so hard to live with now. I want to sort things out if we can and have just started couples therapy.

AIBU at finding this so hard? Am I just not seeing it sufficiently from his perspective?

I’m also terrified of leaving as I’m financially dependent and don’t have much earning potential.

DC2’s nappy, not the 5 yr old!

No, that's not within the realms of normal, sorry OP
Not letting you hug your 5 year old goodbye because of the extra 7 seconds it might take is actually a little bit worrrying

Oh dear. It doesnt sound good. How long have you known him? Has he always been like this or did it ramp up/start after your children were born?

Do you have a support network to help if you did decide to leave him?

Can you drive? Do you have skills/education/the wherewithal to work (perhaps from home)?

Could he support two households on his earnings?

From what you've said it sounds utterly missed able for everyone involved. What do friends and family say?

miserable not missed able!

No that's not normal at all

NightsofCabria We’ve been married for 11 years! He was rigid and stressy over some things before (eg his bedtime) but it’s got much, much worse since the kids.

My mum (a psychologist) thinks he has some ASD traits but is trying to keep us together and help me with the kids on Sundays at the moment so he can go off and work (he has a demanding job and not getting his work done increases his stress over all).

Would he be open to counselling?

He sounds very trapped by these systems and rules
As in OCD
This will harm the children emotionally and mentally. He needs to access help or you should take the kids away from the stress factor

That isn’t normal. It does sound like he’s struggling though. I’m not sure what conversation you’ve had with him about it but do you think he would be open to seeking help about it if he knew how much it was affecting you? It sounds like how I felt when I had PNA.

What else does this affect? How does he manage at work? How is he with friends and family?

How did you come to be financially dependent on him?

This is autism. His anxiety has got worse since the children arrived (not unusual). Couples therapy?

What makes you describe this behaviour as anxiety-driven?

The usual divorce him, it’s not normal replies. Let’s be kind and try and help him. Clearly this is not ‘normal’ but having 2 small children can be overwhelming and not everyone enjoys its. He sounds like a very hands on day.

Let’s not encourage a split. Let’s encourage working together to help what sounds like a decent man relax and be the very best parent he can be. He sounds for sure like he’s trying.

What happens when you say no?

How has he had two children and not accepted that a nappies needs changing when it needs changing not to a schedule

Yes, I agree he is struggling. If he could see it and was open to having his own counselling I would cry with joy. Sadly he isn’t open to seeking any help for himself but he is open to the couples therapy we’ve just started, so I’m hoping the counsellor will suggest he gets more help, though whether he would listen to her, I don’t know. He thinks I’m ‘pathologising’ him (instead of accepting our differences in how we like to do things).

You say that his perspective is that you should each respect the things that each other find important but he doesn’t seem to recognise that having some flexibility to be able to attend to your child’s needs is important to you.

workinghard123 yep, I agree he’s a decent man and a hands on Dad. Really hope the couples therapy can help us.

Slippery when I say no he gets agitated. If I challenge him on it it’s a row. I don’t just take it, but it means there’s a lot of conflict at the moment at those times.

user14572856389 Because it has the feeling of anxiety about it. Poor man said he has even started worrying about society collapsing into complete chaos since he has had kids, and had a nightmare about it. We’ve had a very tough time, DC2 had a life-threatening condition (better now). Though he was notably more anxious from DC1 onwards. From my pregnancy onwards — he lived in fear of things going wrong (and they did: I had one miscarriage and DC2 born with a rare birth defect) so he feels proven right. I have tried to suggest that it’s not totally understandable that he is anxious given all that, but this makes him really angry as he says he feels that to say that is to dismiss that he sees the way he wants to do things rather than seeing his ways as appropriate and involving the right judgement.

Sorry typo again, that it is totally understandable

So he thinks his behaviour is right and normal and you’re treating him as abnormal so you’re wrong?

Er, his behaviour IS abnormal. Are you expected to just close your eyes and pretend it’s ok? He’s OCD.

He must find all the rules he has created for himself to ensure he is being a good dad utterly exhausting.

It’s nice he cares so much but no wonder you’ve had enough. Thank god you can get counselling. You dont want a whole house full of small people taking after him and growing up with that kind of pressure to do things in a certain order by a certain time.

I feel quite sorry for him. Those feelings can be incredibly painful. I have OCPD and I need things done in a certain way, am full of anxiety at times, etc. It’s not nice, I try my best and my DH is very understanding and helps me when I don’t feel very well.

I’d imagine the control is his safety net. He feels safe when he is on time, sticking to his schedule (like ASD kids often like routine and cannot deviate from it), Knows what’s happening and when, etc. When that goes out the window he does too?

He needs help and if he doesn’t get help then there isn’t much you can do but to leave, is there? It’s sad but you can’t live like that, especially if he doesn’t see any problems or want to make life better for you as his wife.

I really hope the couples counseling works for you.

That sounds exhausting. I recognise it as my ex was very, very rigid in his routines which he also imposed on everyone else. I found it controlling. I do hope the counsellor points him in the direction of some individual therapy. Basically you are in a situation where for whatever reason he is trying to control how everything is organised, you cannot resist this without it becoming high conflict and if you question it, he gets angry. It is exhausting.

KTJean, yes, exactly this.