Is this within the bounds of normal?

[Earlgrey19]

Am I wrong to wonder if I want to leave?

Here’s what’s been happening. DH is a very anxious parent, but struggles with insight into himself and can’t recognise the anxiety, but thinks each instance is totally reasonable. DC are 5 & 2, when they were a bit younger he was too anxious to drive anywhere further than about 15 mins with them in case they cried or DS needed the loo, so we couldn’t go anywhere. If we did attempt it it’d be miserable because he’d be so tense. If the DC are ill he gets very worried, and if i take their temperature he can’t stop himself from walking over and checking it another 3 times in case I’ve got it wrong. Now he’s very invested in routines, eg the routine to get DS1 ready for school in time in the morning. We share the tasks but if he finds I’ve diverged from it, eg I’ve gone off to change DC1’s dirty nappy without telling him (so he can step in), he gets very agitated. If I say this feels controlling he gets very upset and can’t see it. Lately he has tried to stop me putting my son’s coat on and giving him a hug (if DH is doing drop off) as he gets agitated that I am slowing things down — he thinks he is faster. For ages he’d get v stressed and shitty with me if we were out and weren’t going to be home to have DCs dinner on the table by exactly 5pm, or if DC’s nap was going to be late. Ditto if I’m perceived to be getting in the way of DH going to bed early enough — he is anxious about sleep. If anyone is thinking could he be autistic, the answer is I think he could have traits but he absolutely isn’t open to considering that or to considering that he feels anxiety in relation to the kids. Impossible to have those conversations. His perspective is that we should both respect the things each other finds important (ie for him, the routines).

I’ve lately been feeling miserable and wondering if separating would be best. I’ve told him this yesterday and he is now barely speaking to me (though he did initially try to reach out, so I thought it was hopeful, but he has now sunk into angry gloom. I guess it’s a lot to think about.

On the plus side when he’s not being so stressy we get on well and we can be close, and he can be kind and is pretty dedicated. I love him but find him so hard to live with now. I want to sort things out if we can and have just started couples therapy.

AIBU at finding this so hard? Am I just not seeing it sufficiently from his perspective?

I’m also terrified of leaving as I’m financially dependent and don’t have much earning potential.

It doesn't sound like autism to me - I agree with pp - OCD? Anxiety at the very least.

And no, it's not normal.

I don’t think you need therapy, but he certainly does!!! He obviously needs to get his anxiety under control otherwise there is no hope.

I couldn't live like that! Gosh I'm an early years teacher and often deviate from the timetable because that's what like if like with small children!

I think he needs significant individual therapy, not — at this point, anyway — couples therapy. Fixing him is not your job. You’ve already put up with so much. But I would be very explicit about the fact that your marriage is on the line. He needs to get to a point where his condition is not having a significant negative impact on your life, and your children’s.

Thank you, yes I’m trying to suggest to him that I feel like there is anxiety underpinning the need for these rigid routines and that this needs addressing, not just how we interact about the routines. He was suggesting that the answer is that he needs to try to be more patient and I that I need to me more understanding that these routines are important to him for meeting goals eg not being late. My point is ok, but I think you are also suffering anxiety which is underlying the need for rigid routines, so we need to address that too. His response to that is that I am saying there is a part of him that I find unbearable that I want to separate and so yes indeed he thinks perhaps we do need to separate. Argh! It’s so frustrating. I feel like we’re talking at cross purposes! Next Relate session isn’t for 3 weeks!

Sorry if that was garbled. Basically I think he feels very attacked and rejected with me saying this is making we wonder about separation and that I think it’s not just ‘normal couple stuff’ and about improving interactions (which is what he said it was about), it’s about something deeper. He finds that unbearable.

No, it’s not a mutual communication problem, he’s got major issues (whether it’s anxiety or not being NT, or OCD or something else), and he needs to work on them to the point where they are not negatively impacting the whole family.

I’d go so far as to say that you should actively resist the idea that you be ‘more patient’, because it just gives him the idea that his behaviour is normal. And surely it’s already having an impact on your children, if he’s preventing you giving your toddler a hug while you put on his coat in the morning, because it’s ‘slowing things down’?

Oh poor guy. It's so hard for both of you if he can't acknowledge his anxiety. My GP offers couples counseling if one or both of you has mental health issues. Perhaps this would be appropriate, particularly as you have had some difficult stuff to cope with. You could say that you need it.