On the back of Phillip Schofield coming out - I am a lesbian and don’t know how to handle it.

[Blueloo]

Comments about PS are overwhelmingly about his poor wife and children (understandably), and touch on how selfish he’s been to put them through this.

I’m middle aged, I had no idea I was a lesbian, I grew up to be very compliant and did what was expected of me, it never occurred to me that my life wasn’t just a result of me being a bit crap, so I didn’t question anything.

The last few years have been hard, and I’ve had to change in order to manage, part of that change has been a slow realisation that I am a lesbian.

My husband and I split up over a year ago, but we are still close in that we have children together who need more parental input than typical children. I get the impression that he hopes we will get back together.

I have no immediate plans to come out, I think it would be a massive shock to my elderly parents, and as I’m not in a relationship nor plan to be in one any time soon, it doesn’t seem a priority now.

Having read the reaction to PS coming out, it has left me really unsure.
I know that coming out would be a shock for my ex and my children, but I think I’ve been rather carried away by the “living your true self” narrative, and downplayed how hard this could be for them.

Ex has not been an amazing husband or father (which triggered the split), but he’s otherwise kind and I would hate for him to think that the last 20 years have been a lie, when they haven’t. If life had been smoother over the last decade I suspect we would still be together and I wouldn’t have questioned anything.

I don’t want my children to hate me. They have thrived since the split, it has made family life much better, but I worry that coming out as a lesbian may be too much to put on them.

I don’t really know why I’m writing this. Maybe I need some opinions on how things should be handled. Whether I need to accept that I will be single until my children are older. I don’t know.

I do know though that my marriage has not been a lie. I have loved DH. I’ve never really enjoyed sex, but thought that was just me.

I hoped writing this would clear some of my confusion and fear of what might happen.

If people think I sound selfish please tell me, or at least give constructive advice if you can.

I think I couldn't give a monkeys if someone was gay / lesbian. However I'm a little younger and I've grown up in a time where it was completely acceptable.

There must be so many struggling in this way because of the way the world was.

I'm sorry for your struggles op, is the best way forward being true to you, even though there will be fall out?

Sorry if I missed it but have you actually had any lesbian experiences or relationship? I do see that you say you’re not in a relationship at the moment so personally I wouldn’t feel compelled to say or do anything except make it clear to your ex that you won’t be getting back together.

hi OP, I can't offer any constructive advice but i just wanted to say that you sound the very opposite of selfish - just like PS whose focus in his post was firmly on the effect him coming out would have on his family. i'm not sure anyone can tell you how to handle it best, there's no right or wrong as such I don't think, but I guess you have to somehow balance what you feel is right by you with what you feel is right by your loved ones. easier said than done I realise.

take your time making your decision and if you do decide to tell your husband and kids, I would very much stress to them what you've made clear in your post here - that your love for your husband WAS real and that your life together wasn't a lie.

I have had an experience since the split, but no interest in a relationship right now.

I came out in my late 40s. Me and ex had already split up. Kids were late teens and to be honest could not have cared less. They were happy l was happy. I didn't tell them until l was in a relationship with a woman.
My parents were a bit shocked but very accepting off my new partner and have welcomed her into the family.
I don't think you need to make a big announcement. If you end up in a relationship with a woman tell them then. To be honest l don't even know if my ex knows we don't speak and he has a limited realtionship with kids. They might have told him l suppose.
l had no negative comments from anyone. In my experience one really cares about your sexual orientation these days. I'm still not sure why philip Scofield had to make such a big deal about it.

Teenage, thank you, that’s very reassuring!

That sounds tough for you.

I think the negativity on the the other thread is about the idea that it's sometimes thought possible to excuse infidelity if it is in order to explore sexuality rather than about someone who had been in a straight relationship realising they are gay. We don't know for sure that PS has had other sexual relationships while married, there have been assumptions made on the balance or probability and that has been a big factor in the upset.

You have already split up with your ex, you haven't been going behind their back or otherwise acting unfaithfully to them. Personal relationships can make it hard to come out but I don't think you have done anything wrong and you don't have anything to be ashamed of.

I don't think you need to tell either your ex or your kids that you know you have always been a lesbian. You could explain it as you loved their dad but you now know you are more interested in women than men and your next relationship is likely to be with a woman. Or wait until you meet someone and explain it that way.

I will tell you the same thoughts as I had when I heard the P Schofield news. It was very brave of him to do, but whilst I know this is very personal thing I hope he took advice and listen to any concerns of his spouse and children.
Your situation is different as you are separated, but I still this will effect the OPs almost as much as the person themselves.

In your shoes, I'd cross that bridge when I come to it, ie. when you start a new relationship. I don't see any big need to announce who you're sexually interested in, generally speaking. I

You are no longer married. That means you arent selfish.
My mother left my dad as she announced to us that she was gay, so my situation is different to yours.
You love your kids, you have a fantastic relationship with them.
They've grown up in an age where being gay is more acceptable.
I imagine it will be a shock but they will accept it.

I agree with teenage. Tell them when you have a serious relationship.
The shift onwards into a new relationship will be more of an issue than it being with a woman I would imagine, in the long term. How old are your children ?

@Blueloo I saw the news about PS on Twitter and my feed is full of really supportive posts for him and his family. I'm sure that there is a lot of negativity out there, but there is also a lot of love. I can't imagine how difficult the situation has been for them all and I hope that they are treated with love and respect - as you also deserve to be.

I am so glad that your family life is thriving post split with your husband, you have a right to be happy and whatever path you chose now doesn't mean that anything about your previous life, especially your marriage, was a lie. Sexuality is sometimes more fluid and less binary than many people would like to believe. Tom Robinson who sang Glad to Be Gay and has for many years identified as a gay man has been married to a woman for years.

I think that you need to do what you feel is best for you. That could be a big coming out announcement and lifestyle change, or maybe there is a middle ground that starts with self acceptance (and love), then maybe making some new connections and exploring possible LGBT community connections in your area with no big announcement and seeing how things progress. Maybe at the beginning you will make new friends and possibly eventually you'll find someone that you like so much you want them to meet your family members and they just happen to be a woman.....

I hope that this doesn't come across as me diminishing the huge issue that you are facing, that's certainly not my intention but maybe like sexuality coming out also doesn't have to be totally binary either?

If you can you might find it helpful to talk to a therapist or counselor, especially if there is someone who has experience of helping others who are questioning / realizing their sexuality.

I wish you the best of luck and sincerely hope that you find a path that frees you to live a full life and be loved for the wonderful person that you are.

I don't get this obsession with coming out. I understand if you're in a relationship and you are unhappy because you're hiding your sexuality. But if your single?? You've come out to yourself and now being true to yourself.
When the time is right and you have a solid relationship with a.n. other then you would have to let members of your family know what that relationship is.

Tell them when you find someone.
Also tell them what you told us.
That it never occurred to you till after the split and it surprised you as well to realise you like woman so much.

I have no interest in Philip schofield so I don't know the full story but I get the impression that your situation is completely different.

You're not famous are you?!

Seriously though. You weren't unfaithful during the marriage. The marriage ended for other reasons. You've said yourself that you loved your husband. So your life wasn't a lie. You have just had a realisation about your sexuality relatively late in life. Why aren't you interested in a relationship, now you've realised that it's a relationship with a woman that you want? Do you worry about the impact on your children and other family?

I don't see much point coming out if you're not interested in a relationship, because your sexuality is none of their business if there isn't a partner in your life. But if you do feel strongly that it's important to tell them, to be honest and open about this aspect of yourself, that would be fair enough.

If I were your child, I'd want you to be happy. I don't think there's any stigma around homosexuality with the youth of today so you will probably be surprised with how accepting your kids may be.

Noego there’s no obsession, I’m just aware that if I do meet someone I will need to come out, which is a very scary prospect.

Children are from primary age to secondary.

I’m not interested in a relationship right now as it’s such a relief to not be in one. I’m appreciating not being responsible for another adult. If I happen to meet someone it would be lovely, but I’m equally happy to just be me.

Gingaaa, your post on one of the PS threads was one that jumped out. Thank you for posting here. The last thing I want to do is spoil my relationship with my children. We are close, is hate to think that my actions might drive them away.

Your kids have an advantage over me.
My mother didn't do positive emotions or hugs and kisses, until she came out as gay. She then did a 180 and expected us to accept hugs, it was freaking weird.
That's why I said this new woman wasnt my mum on that thread. She then proceeded to forget I existed.
I know this will never happen to you and yours. I wish you all the luck in your new life.

Look it’s never easy
Splitting from my EA ax was super hard and my kids are traumatised , life isn’t clean and easy ever . Ever

Who says you have to come out ? You could maybe a find a girlfriend first and take
From there

But you deserve to be happy 😃

@blueloo

I was generalising when I mentioned "obsession with coming out"

Ok. I misunderstood.

Your kids will have a completely different level of acceptance to people of your generation, they are likely to be fairly unruffled by it. As others say, why not wait to see if you meet someone then see how it goes.

What follows are just my views but I have navigated having relationships with both men and women.

I do see the point of "coming out" or being clear about your sexuality if you are not in a relationship. People will assume you are looking for a man, try to match make etc. and it can be embarrassing to manage those conversations. You also can't chat openly about first dates, places you've been, your views, as you would naturally. It's hard work being in the closet. You don't have to outwardly define yourself as lesbian and have a big Phillip Schofield moment- you could say that you believe everyone is free to love whoever and you are open to exploring relationships with women. Some people might find that less challenging, and that in turn might make it easier for you - your call though.

I don’t know why it has to be announced all the time.

I wouldn’t say anything until you’re in a relationship.