On the back of Phillip Schofield coming out - I am a lesbian and don’t know how to handle it.

[Blueloo]

Comments about PS are overwhelmingly about his poor wife and children (understandably), and touch on how selfish he’s been to put them through this.

I’m middle aged, I had no idea I was a lesbian, I grew up to be very compliant and did what was expected of me, it never occurred to me that my life wasn’t just a result of me being a bit crap, so I didn’t question anything.

The last few years have been hard, and I’ve had to change in order to manage, part of that change has been a slow realisation that I am a lesbian.

My husband and I split up over a year ago, but we are still close in that we have children together who need more parental input than typical children. I get the impression that he hopes we will get back together.

I have no immediate plans to come out, I think it would be a massive shock to my elderly parents, and as I’m not in a relationship nor plan to be in one any time soon, it doesn’t seem a priority now.

Having read the reaction to PS coming out, it has left me really unsure.
I know that coming out would be a shock for my ex and my children, but I think I’ve been rather carried away by the “living your true self” narrative, and downplayed how hard this could be for them.

Ex has not been an amazing husband or father (which triggered the split), but he’s otherwise kind and I would hate for him to think that the last 20 years have been a lie, when they haven’t. If life had been smoother over the last decade I suspect we would still be together and I wouldn’t have questioned anything.

I don’t want my children to hate me. They have thrived since the split, it has made family life much better, but I worry that coming out as a lesbian may be too much to put on them.

I don’t really know why I’m writing this. Maybe I need some opinions on how things should be handled. Whether I need to accept that I will be single until my children are older. I don’t know.

I do know though that my marriage has not been a lie. I have loved DH. I’ve never really enjoyed sex, but thought that was just me.

I hoped writing this would clear some of my confusion and fear of what might happen.

If people think I sound selfish please tell me, or at least give constructive advice if you can.

Your situation is different. You haven't been sleeping around, and won't be coming out on National tv claiming to be stunning and brave. You will be starting a new chapter in your life

I have a couple of friends who have found the same and they quietly left marriages and both found love. This was brilliant and great and didn’t involve minimising anyone else’s experiences. However hard for PS personally the ridiculous pantomime affirming his bravery when every viewer knows a) they knew anyway and b) he was about to be exposed as having an affair c) that this does seem to have been news to his wife and family. He doesn’t seem so brave to me, having a sexual relationship with a man and presumably exposing his wife to the risks this entails as well as the betrayal. This seems cowardly not brave.

You are living with dignity and kindness - qualities that should be reflected back at you later.

Someone I know who cane out recently after meeting a woman (younger than us & no kids) wrote an article about how she consumed literature and visual media to find her context;

www.stylist.co.uk/long-reads/lgbt-history-community-instagram-social-media/352001

It’s a nice read - she writes well.

I don’t think you need to think about “coming out” until you meet someone.

PS has only done it to take control of the narrative/damage control ahead of something possibly coming out about him, hence the ridiculous OTT carryon. You can just be normal about it and relax.

Your situation is much, much simpler than PS's. Your marriage has already ended independent of your sexuality, you didn't cheat, and you aren't a television personality. If PS had been in your situation when he came out, the reaction would have been (other than in straight-up homophobic quarters) much more unmixedly positive. Also, forgive me for saying so, but I don't think any newspaper editorials will be written to discuss it when you do "come out"

As PP say you don't have to make a formal announcement, but you shouldn't live a lie for others' benefit. Explore your sexuality at the pace you feel comfortable. You don't have to look for a woman, but don't close yourself off to meeting one either. Your children are unlikely to be flummoxed. It's up to you whether you ever tell your parents, but even they may well be more open than you expect (and it absolutely will not kill them, or whatever you've got in your mind).

All the best and I wish you happiness.

Who have you talked to in real life? Do you talk to friends about this? Have you looked for social or support groups for gay women in your area? I just wonder whether having the chance to talk about your sexuality, especial to women who have been in your shoes, might help you to clarify what to do and to find the words to say to your family when the time is right for you xx

It sounds as if you've behaved very well. Your next step only you can decide. If you don't want to mention it until you are in a relationship with a woman noone could criticise you for that. If, on the other hand, you want to start dating women or even going to events aimed at gay women and want to let your friends and family know you could mention it now. Then it will be less surprising once you have a partner.

Even if you aren't looking for a girlfriend right now, you might really benefit from making some gay female friends/getting involved in the local LBTQ+ social scene. You certainly won't be the first or last person to have come to surprising conclusions about your sexuality in later life and/or post a heterosexual marriage.

The same thing happened to me last year.
I fell in love with a woman and realised that I have been in love with women most of my life and I am in fact gay.
I am married with 2DC. I came out to my husband last year and now we are separating. It is hard and messy and I realise I have caused my DH pain. But there is no other way as I can't carry on living as I was.

I am slowly coming out to my friends but there is no rush and I am taking my time. I don't see the need to come out publicly and announce things as it is no-one's business really.
I will tell my kids when I have a girlfriend. At the moment I am trying to teach them that it's ok to be gay and we are all different and still cool.

It is difficult and confusing and, at the same time, liberating as hell. I am slowly becoming who I have always meant to be.

When I married I really meant it and loved my husband. I was raised as straight and so it took me so so many years to see what I am.

Anyway, this PS coming out thing has in a way made it easier for me to talk to people. I don't feel so alone and it makes my situation seem a little bit more normal.

Could you say you were bi/pansexual?