Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I try to arrange for my son to see his mum?

49 replies

malgrat78 · 07/02/2020 11:52

Hello, some of you may remember some of my previous posts regarding the ongoing issues with my 12 year old son & his mother.

I would like to give an update & ask for some more advice please.
My son’s mum basically started a relationship with a guy who was said to be on methadone. My son became very unsettled around him & started wanting to stay with me more. Social services had an anonymous report of concerns for my son’s welfare & they advised me that the new boyfriend was a known drug user & although they couldn’t do anything it was up to me to decide what was best for my son. This all started in April last year & I took the decision to reduce the amount of time he stayed at his mums & this was what he wanted too. In the end he refused to go at all so for the last few months he has been living with me.

He saw his mum last on Christmas eve & since then she has kicked this guy out 3 times but took him back. I have been told by her Sister & Brother that she on drugs & the boyfriend is definitely on crack cocaine & they have been selling stuff from the house to pay for drugs. They told me I need to keep my son away from the house.

His mum was phoning him every day trying to emotionally blackmail him into going back to stay with her. These phone calls were distressing him & he made his own decision to block her phone number 3 weeks ago. Since then we have heard nothing from her. She hasn’t tried contacting me either. My Son appears to be settled now & a lot more happier than before.

I have an appointment with my doctors in 2 weeks to ask them whether they think he could benefit from counselling. The reason I am posting today is because I have spoken to his old neighbour & she thinks that I should try to arrange contact with his mum at a place away from the home, but I am not sure about this. I speak to my son regularly about it & he is adamant that he doesn’t want to speak or see her. I have no idea how his mum is & I am assuming she is not in a good place at the moment mentally, emotionally & probably physically.

I have spoken with his mums older Daughter who also hasn’t spoken or seen her in a number of weeks since she kicked her out of her house for lying about meeting this guy again. She said that she has been seen selling things again & that she told another member of her family that she just wants to be left alone with her boyfriend. So, my gut feeling is to leave it how it is. I know that children benefit from both parents in their life but surely at some point that isn’t always the case when drugs are concerned & someone who is unstable.

Any thoughts please?

OP posts:
qazxc · 07/02/2020 11:57

Listen to your son not the neighbour.

LooseleafTea · 07/02/2020 12:01

I am not qualified or experienced but IMO you have been nothing but sensible so far and it doesn’t seem likely your son would have a safe time back in contact.

Could a neutral person try and read out to his mum and offer help and try and improve the situation? Unless this has happened and you know what is going on I think you have no choice but to carry on protecting your son son and giving him stability . I would also explain that it isn’t about him and that she would love him deeply if she wasn’t ill with the drugs , or whatever way you feel best might help him. He eeems sensible too in understanding contact is not be the best thing unless circumstances change

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/02/2020 12:01

Um. why on earth are you worrying about what your ex's neighbour thinks?

You know what's right for your DS and you're doing it. No harm in arranging the counselling if you think he might benefit from it.

Really not sure what you're worrying about.

LooseleafTea · 07/02/2020 12:01

Reach out not read!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/02/2020 12:02

I speak to my son regularly about it & he is adamant that he doesn’t want to speak or see her.

So why would you do anything else?

Powerplant · 07/02/2020 12:05

Ignore the neighbour don’t ignore your son’s wishes

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/02/2020 12:07

Listen to your son; he is adamant he does not want to either see or speak to her. And why should he be at all subjected to her dysfunctional lifestyle?.

The neighbour's words have no credence whatsoever. Ignore such comment, this person has their own agenda.

saraclara · 07/02/2020 12:08

It's none of the neighbour's business. Listen to your son.

HappyHammy · 07/02/2020 12:12

Agree, it's nothing to do with the neighbour. If you son doesn't want to see her that is his choice which you must respect, maybe when he is older he might want to see her but for now he doesn't.

BlingLoving · 07/02/2020 12:12

Listen to your son. A random neighbour has no bearing on this and cannot possibly have the insight and care that you do. If and when his mother approaches you, can prove that she's trying and your DS then WANYS to try again, that's another story.

As an aside, it's worth noting that if there's one thing I've learnt from personal experience and watching the way the meghan/thomas markle thing has unfolded it's that the world is split into two camps. 1 camp seems to think that no matter how bad a parent is, the child owes that parent allegiance. The other camp understands that the parents have responsibilities and obligations and that the child owes a bad parent nothing. People in the first camp should just be ignored!

PaterPower · 07/02/2020 12:14

It’s exactly none of your ex’s neighbour’s business. If he/she approaches you again I’d just tell her that, with respect, you know what’s best for your son and you’ll continue to follow the advice the professionals have given you.

Ilovethewild · 07/02/2020 12:15

Op children benefit from parents who are able to meet their needs, put them first, be dependable, loving, caring etc, his mother is clearly not able to do that. Stopping the contact is right. Yes get additional support for yr son (school, counselling, etc), as being abandoned by a parent is tough on kids and he will face this all the time from his experience with his mum.
Keep him engaged in positive activities, learning, positive family (if any around), be honest (mum is not doing well, but I and others are here to help if she wants it..) or whatever you say about her behaviour so he is clear it is nothing to do with him/ he has done nothing wrong. Kids internalise a lot!

FairyBatman · 07/02/2020 12:15

At 12 he is a old enough to decide.

It sounds like you’re doing everything right. Keep on as you are, be sure to keep reminding him that is mum loves him but addiction is an illness and she is ill; and leave the door open for future contact.

If he wants to arrange neutral contact SS should be able to help with this.

PaterPower · 07/02/2020 12:16

I very much doubt the neighbour knows the full story, but it’s not your job to clue her in either.

AdaColeman · 07/02/2020 12:19

The neighbour could have her own agenda for advising contact with the mother. As you know nothing about the neighbour's reasoning, and as all other information points to an ongoing drug use, I would not reestablish contact with the mother.

Three weeks of no contact is still extremely early days. Your son will have only just begun healing from and processing the damage this situation has caused to his young life.

Counselling is a very good idea, I hope your son doesn't have to wait too long for a first appointment.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/02/2020 12:19

Ignore your neighbour.
Listen to your son.
HE doesn't want to.
You can't make him any way so what was your plan?
If you make it a 'surprise' you will lose his trust.
Respect your DS decision not to see his mum.

I realise this must be so hard for you.
But you are doing a great job.
Don't listen to outsiders.
You and your DS know what is best.
Keep going!!!
You got this!

FiremanSlam · 07/02/2020 12:21

In the nicest possible way, his mum's brother and sister are telling you to keep your son away from his mum, social services are advising you to keep your son away from this environment, and most importantly, your son is saying he doesn't want contact with her at the current time...but you're listening to the neighbour?!

Please listen to your son and respect his wishes.

Original poster
malgrat78 · 07/02/2020 12:22

@BlingLoving

Listen to your son. A random neighbour has no bearing on this and cannot possibly have the insight and care that you do. If and when his mother approaches you, can prove that she's trying and your DS then WANYS to try again, that's another story

Agree. If she wanted to see him & make things better she can approach me & she hasn't as of yet & my son is still adamant that he doesn't want to see or speak to her & he trusts me so I have to follow his wishes.

As an aside, it's worth noting that if there's one thing I've learnt from personal experience and watching the way the meghan/thomas markle thing has unfolded it's that the world is split into two camps. 1 camp seems to think that no matter how bad a parent is, the child owes that parent allegiance. The other camp understands that the parents have responsibilities and obligations and that the child owes a bad parent nothing. People in the first camp should just be ignored!

Yes! I am in the 2nd camp. Just because you have the title of a parent does not give you the right to be in that child's life if you are not capable of providing a mentally, emotionally, physically stable environment for that child.

OP posts:
Headfull · 07/02/2020 12:23

Listen to your son

RositaEspinosa · 07/02/2020 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RositaEspinosa · 07/02/2020 12:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
malgrat78 · 07/02/2020 12:27

@FiremanSlam

In the nicest possible way, his mum's brother and sister are telling you to keep your son away from his mum, social services are advising you to keep your son away from this environment, and most importantly, your son is saying he doesn't want contact with her at the current time...but you're listening to the neighbour?!

Please listen to your son and respect his wishes

I have to listen to my son's wishes & make sure he fully trusts me.

OP posts:
CherryRedDocs · 07/02/2020 12:43

Why would you allow the opinion of a neighbour , who has no part in any of this, to influence you?
You son and other family members - who know the facts - are all saying the same thing. A random busy body? Its none of their business!

Confuddledtown · 07/02/2020 12:48

At 12, your son is old enough to know what he wants. You have been very sensible to far. I know how hard it is trying to work out what is best for children and how you might second guess yourself and need reassurance that you are making the right decisions. From what you have said, your are making the right decision. You are very wise re the docs appointment and counselling. Your son may seem settled but it's hard to know really how he is coping so it could be worth a check. Take comfort from the fact he has you, and you are doing amazingly for him.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 07/02/2020 12:54

No keep the crack head out of your sons life. I speak from experience, people like that are no good for children.