Should I try to arrange for my son to see his mum?

[malgrat78]

Hello, some of you may remember some of my previous posts regarding the ongoing issues with my 12 year old son & his mother.

I would like to give an update & ask for some more advice please.
My son’s mum basically started a relationship with a guy who was said to be on methadone. My son became very unsettled around him & started wanting to stay with me more. Social services had an anonymous report of concerns for my son’s welfare & they advised me that the new boyfriend was a known drug user & although they couldn’t do anything it was up to me to decide what was best for my son. This all started in April last year & I took the decision to reduce the amount of time he stayed at his mums & this was what he wanted too. In the end he refused to go at all so for the last few months he has been living with me.

He saw his mum last on Christmas eve & since then she has kicked this guy out 3 times but took him back. I have been told by her Sister & Brother that she on drugs & the boyfriend is definitely on crack cocaine & they have been selling stuff from the house to pay for drugs. They told me I need to keep my son away from the house.

His mum was phoning him every day trying to emotionally blackmail him into going back to stay with her. These phone calls were distressing him & he made his own decision to block her phone number 3 weeks ago. Since then we have heard nothing from her. She hasn’t tried contacting me either. My Son appears to be settled now & a lot more happier than before.

I have an appointment with my doctors in 2 weeks to ask them whether they think he could benefit from counselling. The reason I am posting today is because I have spoken to his old neighbour & she thinks that I should try to arrange contact with his mum at a place away from the home, but I am not sure about this. I speak to my son regularly about it & he is adamant that he doesn’t want to speak or see her. I have no idea how his mum is & I am assuming she is not in a good place at the moment mentally, emotionally & probably physically.

I have spoken with his mums older Daughter who also hasn’t spoken or seen her in a number of weeks since she kicked her out of her house for lying about meeting this guy again. She said that she has been seen selling things again & that she told another member of her family that she just wants to be left alone with her boyfriend. So, my gut feeling is to leave it how it is. I know that children benefit from both parents in their life but surely at some point that isn’t always the case when drugs are concerned & someone who is unstable.

Any thoughts please?

@Ilovethewild

Op children benefit from parents who are able to meet their needs, put them first, be dependable, loving, caring etc, his mother is clearly not able to do that. Stopping the contact is right. Yes get additional support for yr son (school, counselling, etc), as being abandoned by a parent is tough on kids and he will face this all the time from his experience with his mum. Keep him engaged in positive activities, learning, positive family (if any around), be honest (mum is not doing well, but I and others are here to help if she wants it..) or whatever you say about her behaviour so he is clear it is nothing to do with him/ he has done nothing wrong. Kids internalise a lot!

If she had of made some effort to improve the situation then it would be different. However, she has lied to everyone including my son about been with this guy. When social services were first involved she had every chance to move this guy out but she didn't. She has lied & mistreated my son so many times & he knows this. I have to protect him from further possible damage.

What I normally tell him is that his mum isn't very well & she has her own problems that she needs to deal with but she still loves him & nothing that has happened has got anything to do with him. He appears to understand this & doesn't appear to be taking it personally. I keep reminding him that I can arrange for him to speak to someone else if he wishes & if it might help him. Luckily we have a very good strong relationship.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

No keep the crack head out of your sons life. I speak from experience, people like that are no good for children

I agree. I cannot see what value she will bring to him if he has contact with her? If anything I think it will do more damage seeing his mum the way she is now which I am guessing isn't very good. She had her chance to step up & be his mum but she didn't on numerous occasions. Sometimes we need to cut toxic, unhealthy people out of our lives even if it's our parents in my opinion.

@hellsbellsmelons

Listen to your son.
HE doesn't want to.
You can't make him any way so what was your plan?
If you make it a 'surprise' you will lose his trust.
Respect your DS decision not to see his mum

The trust thing is big for me! He has lost all trust for his mother. His mother basically abandoned him for a drug addict. There is no way I am going to jeopardize the trust he has for me. I keep dialogue open with him & he is still hurting & telling me he doesn't want to see or hear from her so I MUST listen to him. Anything else & he could lose that trust for me which could be very damaging for him given the circumstances. He often hugs me telling me how grateful he is that I have been there for him through all of this & how much he appreciates it. Its very emotional sometimes but I have to keep him safe & have him trust me 100%

He has lost all trust for his mother. His mother basically abandoned him for a drug addict.

You forgot to add she is also a suspected drug addict.

Unless someone comes to you to tell you his mother is clean and not living with/hanging around other drug addicts then as PP said keep her well away from him.

If SS are worried enough to do an anonymous report on her then if you involve her in his life again you risk losing him.

I think you know the answer here, so I’m wondering why you posted. Do you have support in real life? It can be lonely being a single parent, I imagine sometimes even harder being a single dad.

@AnneTwackie

I think you know the answer here, so I’m wondering why you posted. Do you have support in real life? It can be lonely being a single parent, I imagine sometimes even harder being a single dad

My gut feeling was to continue how we are. However, sometimes I get a little concerned with things & I like to have a second opinion to make sure I am not allowing my own feelings to get in the way of what is best for my son. I have some really good support from work colleagues 2 of which are women & both parents. I have spoken to them & they have both said without a shadow of a doubt I am doing the right thing by keeping no contact.

As PPs have said, listen to your son. Do what is best for him. Ignore the busybody neighbour.

Have you made any legal arrangements for your son in case, God forbid, anything happens to you? That is more of a concern than contact with his drug-addled mother.

@Wereallsquare

Have you made any legal arrangements for your son in case, God forbid, anything happens to you? That is more of a concern than contact with his drug-addled mother.

I haven't but this has crossed my mind. However, I wouldn't know where to start!

Don't listen to anyone apart from your son. If his mother will not get rid of this boyfriend or stop using then your son should be kept away from her.
At that age you don't need all that confusion and it sounds to me as if she could well be emotionally manipulative.
For me my DS was and always will be more important than boyfriends or anything else and that's how it should be.
I'd just back off, you can't make her give up the boyfriend of the drugs she has to do it for herself in time but it doesn't sound on paper like she is a good mother and I don't say that lightly.
Just concentrate on giving your son a happy and stable life right now.

Your son is his own person and needs to be respected. He does not wish to see his mum. And rightly so. It will never be a nice set up. He may never forgive her, he might never want a relationship with her. And that is his own right. You need to protect him. She may have given birth to your son, but being named a mother is not a given right, it is earned. As is being regarded a piece of shit mother. I have a 13 year old who was taken from his abusive mother at 9. The scars are unlikely to fade.

@mad

Don't listen to anyone apart from your son. If his mother will not get rid of this boyfriend or stop using then your son should be kept away from her. At that age you don't need all that confusion and it sounds to me as if she could well be emotionally manipulative. For me my DS was and always will be more important than boyfriends or anything else and that's how it should be. I'd just back off, you can't make her give up the boyfriend of the drugs she has to do it for herself in time but it doesn't sound on paper like she is a good mother and I don't say that lightly.Just concentrate on giving your son a happy and stable life right now.

She has proven already that what she says isn't what she actually means. Three times she has kicked this guy out (apparently) but he has ended up back there. She is extremely manipulative & dishonest & my son doesn't need that in his life. Has I have said previously if she actually made some effort to acknowledge the problem & do something about it then things might be different.

Your son doesn’t trust his Mum for good reason
He’s thriving with you sounds happy and very sensible
Close family members are also telling you the mother is lying on drugs and selling her stuff again
I can’t see why you are even considering contact with this awful woman

Your son needs to be listened to & he doesn’t want to see her x

I remember your previous threads, you are going great. Just keep on doing what you are doing.

Did you stop paying her bills in the end? I hope so.

@lunar1

I remember your previous threads, you are going great. Just keep on doing what you are doing.

Thank you 😊

Did you stop paying her bills in the end? I hope so.

Yes I did and she wasn't happy! I also put a claim in for CB which she tried to block and say that my son was still staying at hers. I eventually won it and again she wasn't happy sayimg that I had broken her. She also shouted at my son saying "you're killing me"!

I can now provide for him properly as it appears that he wasn't been provided for as he should have been. She also let him down at Xmas with what she had promised him.

So my son's been living with me full time for well over 2 months i think and she's not contributed anything to him. But the main thing is that he is safe and happy now and she's no longer harassing him.

I would echo what others have said - listen to your son. Not everyone can be a good parent and she cannot. Your son has nothing to gain from contact with her, and so much to lose.

You sound a wonderful caring Dad - he’s lucky to have you. Keep it you and your boy.

If I were in your shoes I wouldn’t be arranging contact for her. You said yourself she has called him trying to emotionally blackmail and he’s blocked her, she will do the same face to face with your son and your son will find it even more difficult to say no.

If she’s taking crack cocaine and stealing things from the house she is clearly in the grip of addiction and is spiralling out of control. And the fact that she is still with the boyfriend is showing she is picking him and drugs over her own son.

Keep him away from her, he doesn’t want to go see her or speak to her so please don’t distress him or make him feel a certain type of way by trying to enforce it no matter how good your intentions are for them to see each other.

You said that a child should benefit from both parents in their lives and I wholeheartedly agree with this, but when one parent is a known drug addict who isn’t doing anything to help her cause then I’d be keeping my child out her way which is harms way.

So sorry you and your boy are going through this. Sending lots of strength for you both

Keep listening to your son.

If you need to get advice ask gp to refer you to family therapist or counselling. In some areas you can get a phone consultation with a child psychologist for advice.or ask at school .

You doing great.
Your son needs to focus on school friends and hobbies. He does not need his other parent if that parent does not put him first

Tbh this man may have tried to sexually assault your son. Why would you want druggies influencing your son as he may think drugs are fun then. Keep him well away

All he needs is one loving parent keep up hard work

Glad you got the money sorted, at least now you can afford your sons needs. Obviously you should be getting maintenance, but it doesn't seem like it will realistically happen.

You are giving your son what he needs right now. Sadly there will be no quick fix for his mum, it's going to take her a long time to come back from this if she ever does. You are right to protect him from her life.

I agree with all the others - at 12 your son knows what he wants and I think he is making the right decision.

Also I wanted to say OP that you always come across as compassionate and kind, even when talking about your ex. It must be a bloody hard situation and your son is very lucky to have you as such a stable influence in his life.

I remember your past threads and applaud you for doing so well. I would listen to your son and keep his mother away. Maybe when she has proved over time that she can be trusted he might want to rekindle a relationship with her. It must be his decision.

Update: The same day that I posted this question my son's mum & boyfriend were spotted outside a retail shop asking for money from shoppers. They looked extremely frail & basically on something. This just reaffirmed why my son is best off with no contact at all. Also his big sister was informed that her mum has told a family member that she just wants to be left alone with her boyfriend. This is exactly what will be happening as far as I am concerned.

If she’s begging with the boyfriend she must be in a real downward spiral. Keep on doing what you’re doing with your boy and continue to be each other’s strength.