How long do you leave post split before dating?

[artisanmarsbar]

I'm curious. I've spent the last few years accepting it's over within relationship. And the last 8 months emotionally discussing split whilst still together. We've been together 20 something years and we're good friends.
I haven't had much physical intimacy for ages but know that I need to 'find myself' as it were as a single person.
????????

I didn’t think you called the op pathetic just anyone who doesn’t like to be without a partner

I waited around 8 months after the end of my marriage. Less time after the break up of subsequent relationships.

I personally wouldn't date anyone who has just left a marriage (for a serious relationship anyway)- I was not really in the right headspace then for a serious relationship, and I doubt anyone else would be either.

I think you just do it when it feels right - don't force yourself into dating. A few years down the line, I am much more content to be on my own than I was, and strangely now attract more attention.

I’m entering my third year of no dating.
My children are my absolute priority. No way am I disrupting them for at least a few more years.
Not ideal, but I’m pretty happy so not really a big deal

It depends on the circumstances really. Some people are ready straightaway. Others need a lot longer. Some people date straightaway but aren't really ready and give up.
I split up with ex of 5 years in November 2018. I wanted to get out and date straightaway but it just didn't feel right. I realized I needed time to find myself as I had managed to get lost in all of ex's drama. I had no idea who I was any more. So I did a lot of things by myself and started to recover slowly.
I'm still not ready to date though. I'm happy being single at the moment. I don't know if I'll ever be ready for another relationship. I don't really trust myself not to end up with an utter knob again.

@Dieu

You need to re read your own post

There is nothing pathetic about people who are happy to date or engage in new relationships. Male of female

3 years and I still haven’t dated

Personally I think a few months at least. If you're still thinking about your ex throughout the day then it's too soon.

I dated straight away and am not pathetic . Newsflash, not everyone is the same. Personally I think people shouldn't put their children first 100% of the time and children should learn that adults have lives too. There is a balance.

I dated straight away, and also put DC first. I kept them separate until I had been in a relationship with one person for 18 months.

I personally heal better when I am around other people, enjoying life. I also find sex very healing. It made no sense for me to stay at home to "process things". Everyone is different.

I think a lot of the pearl clutching around waiting to date just has to do with misogynist ideas about how women need to be "ready to give the next man their all". I dont believe that.

I enter into relationships to meet my own needs, not the needs of the man in question. I am sometimes a mess, and that's ok. If I'm dating a man who wants a perfect product of a woman who is fresh as a daisy with a smile plastered on her face 24/7, gagging to do his emotional labour, I invite him to fuck off.

My now dp knew I was going through a hard time when we met, I didnt hide it but I also didn't ask him to rescue me. His response? He gave me space when I needed it, bought me ice cream, and took care of his own emotional needs himself, until such time as we developed enough intimacy to become more interdependent ... it ain't brain surgery.

My uncle left his nearly 20year marriage.
He was treated like utter crap.
Started dating within a few month. He's the happiest I've ever seen him in god knows how long

Thanks again! All really helpful! I've always done a lot on my own so I'm used to both parenting and being alone as soon-ex DP is away alot and works long hours. At weekends we both divide time like seperated parents already.

Rvby - can I just plaster this in my head (or arm!) please - . ..'I am sometimes a mess, and that's ok. If I'm dating a man who wants a perfect product of a woman who is fresh as a daisy with a smile plastered on her face 24/7, gagging to do his emotional labour, I invite him to fuck off.'

This is so positive! I do feel like I need to 'process' and 'work through' and be functional. Hell, how many men think like this??????

And poobear - "go have a sniff"

Noego - '24 hours' - yeah, that would suit me.

The guy I'm interested in, very possible isn't interested.... Or may not be suited emotionally to me (even if he is physicaly!!!!). Aslo, my dp is refuses to end it. So, I'm at an impass currently.

But I am ready whether to be on my own or date. I feel like I'm doing a lot of work whilst living together if that makes sense.

I didn’t seriously date for 18 months after my split from exH. I did go on a few casual dates though, all were fairly disastrous. I had checked out of the marriage a long time before the actual split, I’m talking months rather than years.

Crikey, I meant years rather than months.

My marriage was over quite a long time before I actually ended it (perhaps even three or four years), and I'd been seeing a counsellor, so I felt ready to date fairly soon after my STBXH moved out. From the outside it probably looks like I moved on too quickly, but of course from inside, knowing exactly what had been going on and for how long, it was actually quite slow.

I happened to meet someone fairly quickly (he was my fourth date), and we are still together, very happy more than a year later, and planning a future together. The relationship I have with him is very different to the one I had with my STBXH, and I'm sure that part of that is that I'd seen what a bad relationship was like, and feel more able to hold very strong/tight boundaries within my new one. I'm sure the counselling helped me be ready.

Your P cannot refuse to end it OP. If you want to end it, it's done. He cannot say 'no' and you just accept that.

Definitely give yourself some time OP. Going straight into another relationship just spells rebound and disaster. Plus it’s distasteful I think.

I know people who spilt with their OH who they wax lyrical about on a Monday and on Tuesday their on OLD. I find it desperate and frankly alarming.

You have to have some time alone to digest what’s happened and to grieve the loss of the previous relationship.

Being alone does you the world of good too.

He wants to wait another 3 months due to a work thing of his. Which I understand but I want to end it sooner. But on top of the 8 months, I'm finding it hard.

I do agree I probably do need to be on my own. I'm not about to dive onto OLD Itfigures, but I am finding it hard to take time to grieve and be on my own whilst he won't end it for a while longer.

I am grieving whilst under the same roof, which may not be the same. I guess I'll know instintively what feels right. I would take anything veeeery slowly as I am emotionally raw.