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Relationships

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Original poster

How long do you leave post split before dating?

42 replies

artisanmarsbar · 06/02/2020 20:58

I'm curious. I've spent the last few years accepting it's over within relationship. And the last 8 months emotionally discussing split whilst still together. We've been together 20 something years and we're good friends.
I haven't had much physical intimacy for ages but know that I need to 'find myself' as it were as a single person.
????????

OP posts:

anotherdisaster · 06/02/2020 21:02

So how long has you actually been properly split for?
I was with my ex for 17 years. I started dating fairly quickly and realised it was too soon and ended up dating completely the wrong person. I think it was around 6 months. I wish I had waited much longer.

Qwerty543 · 06/02/2020 21:11

I dated instantly. Similar situation to yours. Emtionally checked out years before. No intimacy for several years. Split was discussed for 6 months before it happened. I knew I was done and was done waiting so I didn't.

If it feels right for you then crack on. Life is too short.

Glassio · 06/02/2020 21:11

a year at least if long term

Original poster

artisanmarsbar · 06/02/2020 21:14

In private we've been apart under same roof for 8 months. Both agreed we were not a couple last 8 months.
But the last few years I've been slowly adapting to the idea. As in the relationship's been shit for years!
This isn't sudden.
We like co-parenting together.
But obv there's a history.

OP posts:

Original poster

artisanmarsbar · 06/02/2020 21:16

Qwerty543 - can I ask, how was that for you?
Did it feel empowering?
I'd worry I'd just find another man to tune into, when I should be tuning into myself. But....... I miss being physical and have missed it for a looooong time.
Glassio - you're probably right (sighs super heavily!!!!)

OP posts:

M0llyJones · 06/02/2020 21:44

Nah, dive on in if you feel like it, just look after yourself.

Life is definitely too short. Good luck. I’m a bit jealous (see my unhappy marriage thread!)

Glassio · 07/02/2020 06:48

a year felt good because you get used to just being you again, with no input from anyone else. you really find out what it is You like / want to do before you get with someone else again. you have probably changed a lot in the years you have been with your partner and need to figure out what that looks like now.

BecauseReasons · 07/02/2020 06:50

Well, how young are the kids? That for me is the primary concern. If you're just splitting and there are kids involved, consider leaving it until they've found a new normal.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 07/02/2020 06:51

It depends, I've been in your situation and started dating within a few months and it was too soon. That was reflected in the type I attracted.
I'm a firm believer in just because we want to do something it doesnt necessarily mean it's good for us. I think we need to be on our own for a bit to deal with everything and theres always stuff to deal with even if you wanted the relationship to end.
Tbh I dont see the need to rush to jump into something new. I think if you just want casual sex and both partys are clear about that then fine. But if you're looking for intimacy over sex, an actual relationship well that's not possible in a transition between long term relationship ending and becoming single. People get hurt that way and that's not fair. I honestly believe you have to be comfortable with a life you've carved for yourself as an individual, happy with being just you before you can have any kind of balanced healthy relationship.

Heymacarana · 07/02/2020 06:57

A. If difference between dating and a relationship. Especially if it’s primarily the physical contact you are looking for.

Physical intimacy really can be sorted in a few hours on POF or tinder, bumble, hinge, match etc if you are emotionally ok with that.

Caveat that I am a man, but 2@ plus year relationship and I was “dating” after about three months.

50 plus dates over the next 18 months and plenty of fun while still being single, living alone and having lots of me time but with company/intimacy on the occasions I wanted it.

Then decided I wanted a proper relationship again and so shifted the search criteria and middle of last year met someone who has truly ch ages my life, enhances it in every way imaginable and made me realise that my previous relationship and marriage was a crock of shit.

Good luck and have fun

Blobby10 · 07/02/2020 07:31

Took me 18 months after we split (20 year marriage) to pluck up the courage or desire to date. Took ex less than 6 months 😁 everyone is different so do what feels right for you xx

Original poster

artisanmarsbar · 07/02/2020 21:18

I really do need to get happy being on my own, I think that's right.
There is someone from afar I'm interested in but it'd be wrong wouldn't it to dive straight into another. I'm going to have to let him go.
Grrrr wish, I'd split years ago so I could date now.
I'm on my own a lot as he's away a lot. And the last few years we've been winding down. And as I say last 8 months it's been named.
But that isn't the same as proper single. Proper getting to know myself.
D(just about)P is now dragging his heels after lack of interest for years.

OP posts:

Original poster

artisanmarsbar · 07/02/2020 21:19

Btw thanks for the replies! It's been really helpful for me reading them!

OP posts:

noego · 07/02/2020 22:00

24 hours.

poopbear · 07/02/2020 22:06

Hmm I’ve got a different view. You’ve been “single” for years. No intimacy for a long time! Why shouldn’t you now have a bit of fun and a bit of hanky panky. If you like that person then go have a sniff. It doesn’t need to be marriage material does it!

Qwerty543 · 07/02/2020 23:23

It worked out great for me. There was also someone I admired (NOT my reason for splitting and he wasn't around when we had initial discussions about splitting). I'm now with him and very happy. In an ideal world I would have waited but I wasnt passing up on a good man just because some arbitrary time scale hadn't passed.

RantyAnty · 08/02/2020 01:32

Go find a few too young guys to have a play. You'll get the physical and won't be tempted to get attached with them.

rvby · 08/02/2020 02:58

3 weeks for me. Carpe diem. Do what feels right op, there are no rules. Just keep it light and remember, you're the protagonist of your life, not some man. You don't need a partner, they're nice to have.

Jane1978xx · 08/02/2020 06:49

I met my BF 3 months after my husband moved out. But we’d been in separate rooms and lives for years. Do what you think is right but be prepared some people will disapprove whatever you do. In some cases meeting new people can help with a split as it shows how wrong the other person was for you

Louise000000 · 08/02/2020 09:27

Split up in September and went on a date with new man end of November after 6 weeks of texting. ( I'd known him prior )
I was emotionally checked out of a 10 year marriage and still dating new guy now, taking it slow and I'm really enjoying it.
I was upfront about everything with new man from start and he's cool with everything.
I agree, life is too short, if it feels right for you it is right! There's no right or wrong waiting time

Dieu · 08/02/2020 10:38

I waited 4 years to start dating, after the break-up of my 18 year marriage. My kids came first.
I see it as a red flag if a man doesn't take time after the break-up of a long term relationship. People who can't be on their own are a bit pathetic, and all they do is carry unprocessed emotional issues from one relationship to the next.

Tealady13579 · 08/02/2020 10:52

18 months for me. I needed to feel clear of the the issues that were there after the split. I needed to be comfortable in myself and over the marriage ending. I need to prove to myself that I could live on my own and no “need” a man. Personally I didn’t want a load of no strings sex. It just doesn’t do it for me. I had been in a similar situation to you. Five years or little to no sex, separate rooms etc. He had just completely lost interest in me as a partner. I needed to process it that and what had happened to get to that stage as once upon a time we were very happy. I had to acknowledge my own shortcomings and work on those.

I then dated for around a year and met around 8 men in that time, had a short term thing with two of them but realised quickly that there weren’t for me. Only being alone for a while had got me to the stage where I knew that.

I found my current partner after about a year and we are bubbling along nicely 8 months in. We have lots in common, come from the same background, share similar views and both respect the others need for space. We tend to see each other 2/3 nights a week and it’s great. All the benefits without the drudgery. I think as we both have children we will keep it this way at least until they have flown the nest to Uni which will be in around 4 years tone. It’s a perfect set up.

Everyone is different obviously but it worked for me.

Jane1978xx · 08/02/2020 14:02

@Dieu. I don’t think people are pathetic for wanting companionship and sex. I was alone for my entire marriage so now I’m
Doing something for me. Which is dating / having a bf but he is not involved with my family life and I only see him when my daughter is with her dad or grandparents. He will never come above her in any way but I need something and some happiness for me in that area and I am certainly not pathetic

Heymacarana · 08/02/2020 14:16

Calling people pathetic is pretty , erm, pathetic.

Everyone is different. I am perfectly fine on my own and in my own company but prefer not to be. That doesn’t make me pathetic, it just means I have met someone who I really love spending time with and who I prefer to be with than on my own.

We both still have our own time and space if that’s what we prefer though.

Re kids. Mine are young teens. I am not putting anyone before them but am also not putting my whole life on hold until they are older (and I am the other side of 50)

Plenty of people meet new partners with kids involved and they grow to have very beneficial and positive relationships. To suggest otherwise is just stupid and possibly shows a bitterness towards those who have found love again.

Dieu · 08/02/2020 15:22

Why would anyone assume I was calling the OP pathetic?
It was meant in general to the men (who do, in general, find it harder to be on their own) I've seen on dating sites, who go from one relationship to the next, without giving any thought to where it might have gone wrong.

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