Unhappy marriage but feel l can’t upset DC by splitting

[M0llyJones]

I’m becoming quite down about it all. My husband doesn’t particularly love or value me in the way a husband should (he has basically admitted this). The feeling is mutual - I don’t really fancy him, sadly the sex has always been mediocre and I am not really interested what’s going on his life.

When I write it like that it sounds awful. The flip side, is we do hugely respect each other and “like” each other as people and certainly as parents of our DC.

But I am starting to fantasise about being single and the opportunities that could bring - not just to find someone I could be really happy with but to be happy and independent without a less than ideal marriage shackling me.

But my parents split and it has sadly defined my life, I simply can’t do it to my kids.

I don’t know what I want anyone to say really but just feel so stuck between a rock and a hard place. I’m early forties and DC are tweens - the worst age to split I’ve heard.

Possibly split and live together. It's always upto u. With him been like he is he prob has someone in background anyways. I know what u mean as my marriage is pretty crap x

What about your parent’s split defined your life: the fact that they split or the way that they did it?

Your split doesn't have to be like your parents split though. I stayed for the sake of the children and I think, in retrospect, it did more harm than good. They felt the whole of their childhoods were a lie. Have you been for counselling, either alone or as a couple? It can help you to decide what to do and if you do decide to split it can help you do it well.

It sounds like a tough situation to be in. My parents divorced when I was a tween and it was a horrible experience and forced me to grow up. However, this was due to my parents handling it very badly.

I understand that you don't want this to affect them but staying together may affect them as well. My friend's parents have stayed together and it is something that she picked up on. She has said that she feels guilty as they are only together for her.

I know that this probably doesn't help much but I think if you keep it civil between you and your husband, while keeping it open for your kids (obviously don't go into major details), it is possible to split without it affecting your children too much.

From experience I'd say split and move on with your life. I've wasted all of my 40s in a crap marriage, what an utter waste of a decade I'll never get back. Splits don't need to be nasty - we remain on friendly terms.

I stayed for sake of my young children for far too long, it's almost two years since we split, both now seeing other people, children are happier because we're happier. I'm currently packing up family home because it's sold & just today went sale agreed on a house of my own.
But difference is I didn't even like my husband anymore for a finish, he's a narcissist, sounds like ye are more amicable.

What do you want to do as a singleton that you can't do now?

ByeMF can you say more?
OP - I'm in a similar situation. But I like him and value our history. Even if I don't want to sleep with him. I regret too not leaving earler. And yet we have a laugh but I know when I do leave it will take me time to re-adjust and build a life. And I wish I'd done that sooner!

My parents split defined my life in both ways I think. It wasn’t handled perfectly, but it wasn’t handled badly either. My dad left and I basically took that to mean he didn’t love me anymore, I’m not sure what could have persuaded me otherwise. Even though logically as an adult I see that he probably did love me, but just not in the way a child needed to be (shown). And now that plays out in my relationship - I don’t feel loved in the way I need to be.

I have had a ridiculous amount of individual and couples counselling and things feel better for a time, but then I resort to the nagging unhappiness.

Maybe this says more about my own mental health than my relationship

What do I want to do as a singleton?

Date other people I guess.

I realise grass isn’t greener and not sure how I would do all this dating with children to raise!

I was where you are. In the end it was affecting my MH too much and we did split. I'm so much happier and part of me wishes I hadn't waited so long. Ex and I are amicable. I think my DCs have coped well. I would say my youngest is dealing with it better although eldest is ok. I've read too many posts on here where posters say they feel their childhoods were a lie due to their parents staying for their sake and they knew their parents were unhappy and should have split years before.

Why has your parents splitting up defined your life?

Did you take nothing from their split? Not even the understanding that it's OK to acknowledge that you made a mistake and to forgive yourself for that by moving on.

They say that splitting up affects children but it's not like the choice is happy functioning marriage or split up. Doesn't a bad marriage affect a child too? That is much harder to measure of course.You won't see the data for that. Which probably gives you the false impression that splitting up is bad for your child.

It might be tough for a while, but all change is hard. You'd be doing him a favour if you told him that you're not feeling loved, supported, valued or respected and that that situation is not a marriage.

Yes, I do fear that staying together could be as harmful to the DC as splitting.

So even if I accept that bit, how do I deal with the financial and logistical changes that would need to come about, it just feels too daunting.

Wise words, Imbo, thank you.

I think I will talk to him (again), but I do need to prepare myself for the consequences, i.e that being the beginning of the end.

I think if you split it should be because you are comfortable being single for an unspecified period because it's not always easy to meet a new person when dating with dcs.

Two people I know who see the effects of single parent families in their work have said to me “just muddle along”. And I know at least one other couple who are doing this.

I can’t help thinking that I would have been glad for my parents to have muddled along (in a selfish child like way - given I was a child).

But maybe that’s because my mum was so visibly unhappy after the split....

Good people manage to be good parents even when they live apart.

Is he respectful of you as a parent? Do you have the same values? Could you live close together? Would both your parents be civil if there was a separation?

My divorce has a longterm negative effect on my children, watching us live together would still have been worse.

Yes, I agree Iggy, and it’s good to be reminded of that. I will reflect upon that.

I’m really grateful for the responses, thank you

I’m sorry to hear that Disfordarkchocolate. How do you think it has negatively affected your children? And how do you think it would have been worse if you’d lived together? The arguing or the apathy?

Pretty much yes to all those questions Disfordarkchocolate. I think we’d be great co parents! We’ve said before that we’ve both made mistakes but that doesn’t make us bad people.

My ex was a git @M0llyJones. When I got married and had another child he spent years messing with the children's heads. This was hardly surprising considering his behaviour as a husband and how much his mother liked to stir up trouble. Not normal.

They have seen me in a happy marriage now and I think that's been largely a good example. They see someone treat me with love and respect and who obviously thinks I'm lovely. They haven't seen perfect though.

Oh, that’s horrible of him, I don’t understand these people who damage their children to get back at their ex. I’m glad your children see what a happy marriage looks like. FWIW, it has been a good thing for me to see my parents in happy marriages (not to each other).

It’s depressing though, when a parent’s marriage seems more loving than your own

I'd like to give you a different perspective as the child of parents who really should have split. They are still together at 80. Their relationship has taught me the following things:
-that happiness is not important and you shouldnt pursue your own happiness if there is even a slight suggestion that someone else's happiness might be undermined.
-to be entirely, unhealthily risk-averse. Dont rock the boat...
-to put on a mask and pretend to the world that all is ok when it isn't.
-to pick partners who I lacked passion and spark with and to think this was enough.

Dont get me wrong. It had advantages for me, them staying together. Not least material ones. But on balance?? No.

Your dad left? I'm not bloody surprised that you felt abandoned. I cannot understand why any parent would not fight for 50/50 contact post-separatjon. That's a character flaw on the part of the leaving parent, not a reflection on you :( and thankfully I believe the 'every other weekend' model of fatherhood is in retreat... surely?)

If your parents had stayed together becoming more and more dysfunctional and toxic that could just have easily affected you as much or more than their separation did.

@Whathewhatnow I learned these ''lessons'' from my married parents as well. Apart from the last one, I picked men who were not that in to me. They relegated me, because I was too agreeable, a text book people pleaser. So the decent true alpha men were turned off by the lack of authenticity and men who felt no qualms about capitalising on my desire to be pleasing abused me (in varying ways and degrees).

Figured this stuff out in my mid forties. The effect of a bad marriage can make you a risk averse people pleasing co-dependent. It is not some great guarantee that you'll be imbued with resilience and contentment.

Thanks everyone, I value the input.

I guess we can never be truly certain of cause and effect. I think I have somehow learnt similar lessons to whatthewhatnow despite my father pursuing his own happiness, at the expense of others, taking risks and choosing passion. I suppose I (rightly or wrongly) learnt that those things were not desirable. And whilst I accept your point in terms of how if can make future relationships unhealthy, there is clearly a balance between looking after number one and considering the impact of your own personal pursuits.

Still no further forward in what I want/think I should do....