Unhappy marriage but feel l can’t upset DC by splitting

[M0llyJones]

I’m becoming quite down about it all. My husband doesn’t particularly love or value me in the way a husband should (he has basically admitted this). The feeling is mutual - I don’t really fancy him, sadly the sex has always been mediocre and I am not really interested what’s going on his life.

When I write it like that it sounds awful. The flip side, is we do hugely respect each other and “like” each other as people and certainly as parents of our DC.

But I am starting to fantasise about being single and the opportunities that could bring - not just to find someone I could be really happy with but to be happy and independent without a less than ideal marriage shackling me.

But my parents split and it has sadly defined my life, I simply can’t do it to my kids.

I don’t know what I want anyone to say really but just feel so stuck between a rock and a hard place. I’m early forties and DC are tweens - the worst age to split I’ve heard.

It’s more upsetting for a child to live with parents who are unhappy, I was that child growing up!

Have you spoken to your husband about this in-depth? The practicalities of it and the likelihood that eventually if you carry on as you are one of you may fall for someone else.

Yes we have spoken in some depth and have acknowledged exactly what you say Dis - that one of us is likely to fall for someone else. His response is along the lines of “you need to decide what you want”.

Basically, he seems ok with bumbling along - maybe he realises he would lose out on seeing the children as much or maybe it suits him to have wifey doing the home stuff. He also just values a 2.4children existence I think.

I think we are both scared of where a more in depth conversation would take us. But I think I’m learning that it needs to happen.

To borrow a phrase from upthread, I think he sees it as me rocking the boat. However, I know he’s not 100% happy with our relationship but I don’t think he has the balls to end it. And not sure I do either

Seems to me like you have a really clear insight into your situation. I would trust your judgement, whatever it is telling you.

Whichever way you jump itll be the hardest decision you'll ever make. But you might find that once you've made it you're less stressed and can make your peace with it. This prior limbo bit is the hard part for you, IME.

Have the conversation with him. You could even consider an open marriage if he would. I cant because I cant separate sex and love but it works for some people.

I'd bet that he is actually very afraid that you're going to leave him. That will be part of the reason he doesnt want to have that conversation.

Oh @M0llyJones I'm in exactly the same position. I just feel like whatever I do now, I won't be happy. If I stay as I am I'll be unhappy, and if I instigate a separation I'll make both DH and DCs unhappy, so it feels like lose-lose to me. Same as you, early 40s, tween boys. I feel like I'm in an impossible situation. I have 'rocked the boat' be telling dh I'm unhappy, and we've been to counselling, but even after tons of positive advice from divorced friends, I feel no further forward and am stuck bumbling along. Also, I'm aware I'm making DH's life miserable as I don't talk to him much, and now I just feel like the bad guy all the time. All I want is a normal reasonably happy life. That's all. I know I haven't helped, but just wanted to say I hear you x

Oh @Bearski77 sorry to hear you’re in the same boat. I know what you mean about feeling the bad guy too. This wasn’t the case for me a while ago as I was making a lot of effort but it’s getting harder and harder and not fair on either of us.

Whilst there are differences/it’s all on a spectrum there is a thread by another poster about “Friendship” marriage and I think the advice there is more on the side of “that’s what married life is like”, some have been quite harsh to the OP there. Just interesting to compare and contrast.

My parents had a bad marriage and it ruined my childhood and young life until I left home. They never split but should have. I spent my early life on tenterhooks about their relationship. They used to speak through me i.e. 'Ask your father what he wants for breakfast'. I wish they had split, I would have been much happier.

I don’t think unhappy marriage is exactly the same as a bad marriage. We are perfectly polite to each other and have some nice conversations. We respect each other.

I’m really puzzled as to where the line is between “don’t settle” and “this is what married life with kids is like after 15years etc”.

Arrrghh!

Don't underestimate the importance of your own happiness and the very positive impact I've seen on my own children.

I'm another child of an unhappy marriage who wishes they had split up, as by the time I was a late teen I had no respect for either of them.

I wonder if your own mother was so unhappy after the split because she really wanted to stay in the relationship? From what you've said the feeling between you and DH is mutual which should make a split more amicable and less damaging all round. You have both clearly really tried, but it's simply not working.

I finally found the courage to end a dead 20 year relationship early last year. Was perfectly prepared to see it out until the DC were old enough as though their stability was more important than my or my ex's happiness as we lived fairly separate lives with no huge arguments, more of a simmering contempt.

Both DC are so much happier too (one teen the other tween). I have so much more energy and patience as no longer being dragged down from feeling trapped.

While I was perfectly happy to remain single, I'm now in a relationship with a wonderful man. I genuinely didn't believe it was possible to have such a good relationship and be so happy.

My parents stayed together for the kids and it was awful. My childhood was full or arguments, not speaking, no family holidays or days out. I wish they'd split years before they did. Two separate happy parents are much better that 2 together who are miserable

My parents stayed together and it was truly awful. I knew they didn't love each other. I would never thank them for it, quite the opposite