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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I forgive lying cheating husband?

28 replies

whogoncheckmeBoo · 06/02/2020 16:32

I posted on here before Christmas, my husband upped and left and I had suspicions he was cheating. So did most of you! We were all right of course Sad

The only thing is, all the time he was ‘single’ and seeing another woman, I pursued him and done everything I could to win him back. At the time he wasn’t honest about his relationship with this other woman and although I had gut feelings I couldn’t prove much. So I promised I could forgive him and move on.

Only since he has been home I have been secretly checking his devices and doing detective work and found out it started before he said, and messages to friends that show he was happy and bragging.

Now I am struggling more than ever. I confronted him, he is devastated- worse than he has been throughout. He says because he lied to protect me, I think he thought he could have best of both worlds and also he wanted to ‘blame’ me for his behaviour and manipulate me into being ‘good’ if he come home.

He is acting like a desperate man, and I love him and can’t imagine a life without him in it. But I can’t get the images out of my head, I can’t forgive the lies, how he was happy to manipulate me into thinking what he wanted. I said at the time it was like he was a different man- now I know he was even more different than I thought! Worse even.

But now he is different again- and I don’t think I can hurt my children with him leaving again.

I can’t think straight, can’t make a decision. I want us to work. I want to get over what has happened. I don’t know if I can or if it is possible. Has anyone any experience of this? I need some good advice x

OP posts:
Sparklyring · 06/02/2020 16:37

Why would you have taken him back?! It will happen again. You'll feel shit till you get over him but why spend your life waiting for the next time? You are worth SO mu h more.

MrsMoastyToasty · 06/02/2020 16:40

I don't have any experience of this but WHY? Just WHY?

mathanxiety · 06/02/2020 16:44

You need to put one hand out in front of you and the other behind your back. Now try clapping.

This is what 'making a relationship work' is like when one person in it is a cheat and a liar.

Go and get a STD check. Hopefully he hasn't given you something nasty.

hellsbellsmelons · 06/02/2020 16:48

So what is HE promising to do now to fix this?
You made all the compromises.
What will he do now?
I couldn't forgive.
I tried for about a day and that was it.
It's a deal-breaker for me.

Are you have counselling and joint counselling?

Please read the book - Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass - read it together.
He was not trying to protect you.
He was minimising like all cheaters do.
So you would take him back.
Had you known the full extent you wouldn't have - would you?
That is why is lied.
Sorry but that would be totally the end for me!
There is no coming back from this.
You know your life will be shite forever more if you stay with him.
Your DC will adjust in time.

Graphista · 06/02/2020 16:55

You absolutely can cope without him and so can the dc. This current situation is what's actually untenable.

He's done nothing to rectify or even honestly acknowledge what he's done and is doing nothing to reassure you or rebuild the trust.

Get rid, move on.

mamato3lads · 06/02/2020 16:56

Sounds soul destroying. It's the long reaching hard hitting price of betrayal.

I couldn't forgive and I dont think you should have but that's only my opinion. I know you love him....but you love the "him" you THOUGHT he was. He isn't that person, he is a liar and a cheat and he betrayed you spectacularly.

I couldn't live with it. I have no advice on how you can get over things like this. It will always be there. Cant you leave? So many women have, and are so happy they did!

Dozer · 06/02/2020 16:58

You made a mistake running after him after he cheated and dumped you. He has been dishonest and has few incentives to change his behaviour. Shore up your self love and respect and ditch him. The alternative will probably lead to worse pain in the future.

If he loved you enough he wouldn’t have cheated, or would at least have chased YOU.

Shoxfordian · 06/02/2020 17:00

Dump him
He's cheated on you

lazylinguist · 06/02/2020 17:01

He's a chest and a liar and he has no respect for you. Don't forgive him.

ScreamingLadySutch · 06/02/2020 17:02

"Cake eating is the preferred Nirvanic state of the unrepentant cheater. It’s the situation in which the cheater has the affair partner (AP) and the spouse. (“Having your cake and eating it too.”) In fact, cake is a preferred lifestyle for many.

Ideally, the spouse is unaware of the AP, because that means the cheater has unfettered access to cake. After discovery, however, many cheaters will go to tremendous lengths to maintain cake. Cake eating is confusing to chumps. Chumps tend to think of affairs as competitions – it’s me or him! Or what does she have that I don’t have? Chumps see marriage through their own lens, of monogamy and commitment to one person. If they are not committed to me, a chump thinks, then they’re for the AP. So who’s it gonna be?

Cake eaters do nothing to dissuade a distraught chump from this line of thinking. They would prefer a competition in which they are the center of the drama — all attention is on them! And a catfight ensues over their fabulousness. Cheaters would prefer you not discover their cheating, but if it must be revealed, this is how they’d like to see it play out. You try harder to win them back and maybe if you’re lucky, they’ll choose you! (See “The Humiliating Dance of ‘Pick Me’!”)

The goal of cake is not to choose. Chumps often go painful round after painful round as the cheater “commits” to the marriage and then retreats. Swears to be faithful to the spouse, and then is caught again with the AP. Makes promises to both the chump (and the AP), and breaks them. The cheater is NOT trying to decide between two people – the cheater is trying to maintain cake. Cake eaters are NOT confused. They are deliberately trying to maintain an unfair situation at your expense."

www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-unified-theory-of-cake/

This is the saddest thing. You believe "I confronted him, he is devastated- worse than he has been throughout. He says because he lied to protect me" - because he is your husband, right?

That disillusionment (he lies to gain advantage, he isn't thinking about you) is shattering.

Good luck OP

lazylinguist · 06/02/2020 18:03

Yep, he's devastated that he got caught. He's devastated that he is having to go through the unpleasant and uncomfortable fallout instead of getting to have his cake and eat it. He's devastated because he's being made to feel guilty and awful. He's not devastated for you, but for himself.

lazylinguist · 06/02/2020 18:04

Yep, he's devastated that he got caught. He's devastated that he is having to go through the unpleasant and uncomfortable fallout instead of getting to have his cake and eat it. He's devastated because he's being made to feel guilty and awful. He's not devastated for you, but for himself.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 06/02/2020 19:09

If he is devasted, will do anything to save the relationship, and is desperate to earn your trust again, how about you asking him to gic you you space to really think about what you want?

What about him moving out for six months, paying you maintenance for the children, seeing them on an EOW basis and agreeing not to see anyone else. He will also commit to marriage counselling once a week, as well as you having individual sessions.

This will give you breathing space to really think about what you want, and to give you (and him) a model of what it will be like if you split. It's only for six months, you aren't splitting up, and this is something tangible he could do to prove him commitment to helping you come to terms with his actions.

My guess is there is no way he would agree to that - because he isn't interested in your feelings, facing up to the consequences of his actions, or inconveniencing himself in any way. His plan is that everything will go back to normal ASAP, and you will suck it up and forgive him, like it never happened.

Alfiemoon1 · 06/02/2020 19:12

I agree with lazy and screaming if he was truly remorseful and devastated when given the opportunity of being forgiven he should of given you the whole truth not minimised and lied further

ByeMF · 06/02/2020 19:16

What a horrible situation. I asked my husband to move back in. But what he did upset me so much I couldn't get over it and 18 months of misery later I asked him to move out. I should have found my self respect sooner.
Do yourself a favour and let that man go!

GoodnightJude1 · 06/02/2020 19:25

Devastated.....
Devastated he got caught.

I don’t believe the whole ‘once a cheat, always a cheat’ thing. I think if you’re with the right person then the thought of cheating wouldn’t even enter your head.
I do think that if you can cheat and lie to someone you ‘love’ and they let you get away with it/take you back...then you are as good as excusing their behaviour and giving them the go ahead to do it again.
I think children that are surrounded by atmosphere, lies and upset are eventually more hurt/scarred than by parents that separate.
Get rid. For your own sake and theirs 💐

MMmomDD · 06/02/2020 19:27

OP is struggling as is and only if you have ever been in her shoes can you throw stones.
Many people believe they can’t forgive but when it happens to them post on here
‘I have always thought it was a deal breaker but now it happened to me I want to try to save the family’
And most marriages don’t end with discovery of affairs....
So - OP has the right to try to do what she believes is right for her at the moment.

OP - none of this will be easy and it’s a long road. You’ll need counselling, individual and couples. You’ll go through ups and downs. It may or may not work. But you seem to want to try - so look for someone who can help.
Also - try looking up Estel Perel. Her podcasts, books M and there is a FB support group.

Mintypylonsfryingsurplus · 06/02/2020 19:37

You chose to take him back and by doing so gave him a massive green light that is okay to repeat his behaviour over and over.
What has he done to repair this apart from manipulating you and blame shifting?
So thats love is it? Thats your reward that you get to win and keep him?
Been there done that and it super awful.
Only now he got a massive advantage in this 'marriage' he gets so better at hiding it.
Cue 2nd phone secret apps and minimizing, gaslighting blame shifting and a steady decline of respect, care, and normality.
Picture yourself in 5 years with this 'prize'. You worn out, feeling worthless, making excuses for him again, you older and this you new normal but still sad, angry and desperate for scraps of attention.
Now picture yourself in 5 years maybe even with a fantastic new partner who adores you, is faithful respects and clearly adores you.
Or you happily single, thriving knowing you have peace every day not a shell of a person.
You must have seen desperate to him his ego is now massive and you take whatever shite he gives you because you love him.
But he does not love you. Someone who loves you would not put you through unneccesary pain and suffering. He would say dont think I can keep it it my pants and you deserve better so we should part.
Make him go and then HE puts it right all of it.
Show him the meaning of consequence and that you are worth so much more. 💐

Original poster
whogoncheckmeBoo · 06/02/2020 19:39

Thanks everyone, I didn’t realise I was a chump too but there you go x

I appreciate all your comments - no one in real life tells you how they really feel

We have been together 20 years so there has been a lot of good times and nothing like this has happened before. Most people who know - family - Are shocked at his change in behaviour.

This wasn’t a long drawn out affair he was flattered, left , and moved on. I begged him to come back.

Pp are right - I need some self esteem and work on myself , this was the case before all this. I believe that I was part to blame for the breakdown in our marriage. We both created the circumstances for things to get bad. Both damaged each other prior , but I am also open to the fact I might have been manipulated for a long time to feel this is my fault?

What do you think ?

OP posts:
Kit19 · 06/02/2020 19:44

It’s difficult to know OP without knowing the back story but honestly tje bottom line is he could have chosen to highlight problems & work on them or to decide that it was over & leave before starting another one

Instead he chose to cheat

Mintypylonsfryingsurplus · 06/02/2020 19:51

Yep what @kit19 said..
Stop making excuses for him now. I am sure your first instinct was not to leap into bed with a random and risk your home and family. No one forced him. He knew what was at risk, and knew you would be hurt.
You are obviously very conflicted my heart goes out to you. But he has broken it for now and you will burn yourself out proving to him that you are a keeper.
Please put that energy into yourself. None of this is your fault. None of it.

MsDogLady · 06/02/2020 20:34

You certainly did not cause his infidelity. As others are saying, he had ethical options to use to deal with any marital issues. He chose to act without integrity by deflecting blame, lying and cheating, and he has suffered no consequences for it.

You know what this manipulator is capable of. Do you want your children to emulate this toxic relationship model?

Bluntness100 · 06/02/2020 20:38

He's still lying and manipulating you. I'm sorry, but I'm guessing that's what you wish as you want him to stay. Your call but you're in for a life time of constantly checking, as you know, deep down, you know, and you know he'll do it again, till one day he will be off for good.

ferando81 · 06/02/2020 20:47

Forgiveness is fine but only if he is genuinely sorry .If he’s not sorry then deep down he thinks he’s done nothing wrong .Your forgiveness then has no meaning

Nicecupofcoco · 06/02/2020 20:51

How do you forgive a lying cheating husband you ask.....

You don't!!