please tell me your experiences of choosing the 'sensible' boy over the 'bad' boy? (lighthearted)

[pamandmick]

hi girls,

had years of going for the charming, exciting 'bad' boys who sell me the dream but all end up hurting me. i have let down many lovely, 'sensible' boys who would treat me like a queen. but they obviously don't seem to have the same appeal?

an odd request i know - but please tell me your experiences of going with a less exciting, lovely boy rather than the short-term excitement of a 'bad' boy?

I chose a man who I thought was a 'good' guy, but like others on this thread, he turned out to be insanely critical and controlling. He seemed 'good' because he held himself to very high standards based on his own narrow view of what equals success and happiness - so he had good credentials, a good job, and was serious about me (because he needed a wife to attain his secondary goal of being a family man).

My point is that it's best to look past surface impressions and think more about the man's personal characteristics.

Wereallsquare are you still with the sensible boy or did you leave?

Don't go for a man who treats you like a queen. Go for a man who treats you like an equal human being.

Sure, seemingly “good bets” on paper might turn oit not be. But if you spell out what is usually meant about “bad boys” - drinking, drugs, crime, being unfaithful, treating women badly, unemployed - dating them isn’t sensible.

I only swiped on my husband because in one of his Tinder pictures he had a t-shirt saying "GEEK".

Literally the best thing I ever did.

@M0llyJones I was so insecure at that point in my life that even though I saw all of his oddness, I stayed. And he ended up leaving me! And then he came crawling back. But I was no longer interested. He really did me a favour by leaving. I missed his dogs more than anything.

But let's say you have a guy who gets pissed sometimes, smokes, swears, makes irreverent comments, stays out late, is not afraid to tell people he disagrees with them, dresses unconventionally, has had several jobs or has an unconventional job, maybe rides a motorbike, goes to loud concerts or plays in a band, looks pretty devil-may-care and attracts women like flies.

When I was young I would have written off a man like that instantly as a bad boy and far too scary for me. My now bf has grown out of some of those traits but I would definitely have writen him off back then.
I'm not saying he's turned out to be an angel, but I definitely misjudged him based on his appearance. (I thought it would just be a quick, fun fling.)
I think it goes both ways. The ones you think are bad bets can turn out to be good ones.

@ravenmum I think most of the above would be fairly standard for an “alternative” teenager/youth (except maybe the attract women like flies bit ;) ).

Sure, there’s a certain “badness” from society’s point of view, but I usually find that what constitutes a “bad boy” from individuals who go on about dating that type isn’t that. It’s someone who’s emotionally unavailable in some way, usually accompanied with “cheeky” or “Jack the lad”.

They’re bad because don’t give a shit about other people’s feelings but either a) lay on the charm (ie. manipulating and narcissistic) or b) don’t give you anything (ie. you think they’re mysterious). They blow hot and cold which means you react the same way to them as gambling addicts do slot machines. There’s a whole philosophy behind this which feeds a lot of digital marketing. Humans tend to get hooked on things that reward them but unpredictably.

It all boils down to someone who has severe empathy issues, however, who views people as disposable goods. And they’re usually like that because something - whether nature or nurture - has got them trapped at the emotional level of a four year old shouting “I want! I want! I want!”

@ravenmum I think most of the above would be fairly standard for an “alternative” teenager/youth (except maybe the attract women like flies bit ;) ).

Sure, there’s a certain “badness” from society’s point of view, but I usually find that what constitutes a “bad boy” from individuals who go on about dating that type isn’t that. It’s someone who’s emotionally unavailable in some way, usually accompanied with “cheeky” or “Jack the lad”.

They’re bad because don’t give a shit about other people’s feelings but either a) lay on the charm (ie. manipulating and narcissistic) or b) don’t give you anything (ie. you think they’re mysterious). They blow hot and cold which means you react the same way to them as gambling addicts do slot machines. There’s a whole philosophy behind this which feeds a lot of digital marketing. Humans tend to get hooked on things that reward them but unpredictably.

It all boils down to someone who has severe empathy issues, however, who views people as disposable goods. And they’re usually like that because something - whether nature or nurture - has got them trapped at the emotional level of a four year old shouting “I want! I want! I want!”

@ravenmum I think most of the above would be fairly standard for an “alternative” teenager/youth (except maybe the attract women like flies bit ;) ).

Sure, there’s a certain “badness” from society’s point of view, but I usually find that what constitutes a “bad boy” from individuals who go on about dating that type isn’t that. It’s someone who’s emotionally unavailable in some way, usually accompanied with “cheeky” or “Jack the lad”.

They’re bad because don’t give a shit about other people’s feelings but either a) lay on the charm (ie. manipulating and narcissistic) or b) don’t give you anything (ie. you think they’re mysterious). They blow hot and cold which means you react the same way to them as gambling addicts do slot machines. There’s a whole philosophy behind this which feeds a lot of digital marketing. Humans tend to get hooked on things that reward them but unpredictably.

It all boils down to someone who has severe empathy issues, however, who views people as disposable goods. And they’re usually like that because something - whether nature or nurture - has got them trapped at the emotional level of a four year old shouting “I want! I want! I want!”

Are you writing an article OP?

I've never been attracted to perceived "bad" boys. But them I'm a geek myself.

Mmm - as a guy I’m not best qualified to comment - but it seems to me that so many women just adore a man if they find themselves unable to cause him any emotional pain. It seems to be a really attracting (if not attractive?) quality.
The trouble is - when you’re just not that into someone- they can’t hurt you! And at the first sign of being mistreated you would say goodbye anyway - because you don’t care that much! But they sense this, they see it as another attractive quality - so treat you well too, all the while, wanting your attention.

The minute you truly fall for someone you’re made vulnerable-and women say they find it attractive-but I’m not so sure.

So the ‘bad boy’ is just averagely cool and and confident - and not that into you. ‘Sensible’ is sensitive, well adjusted and wanting a more equal partnership-and it’s a double edged sword, because it’s the ones that can’t be hurt that attract all the attention.
I’m not sure about this perspective- but it seems a good humoured thread.

I've also never been into 'bad boys' but was with a man who was exciting and he absolutely broke my heart. He was a lying, devious cunt.

Eventually found a sensible one. Many women may consider him geeky, boring, etc but he's funny, kind, generous, loyal.
He's fiery at times but always respectful and thoughtful - when he's had a sulk he always apologises, never pressures me into anything, never nags for sex (and having had 2 kids and 4 MCs he's certainly had some times of abstinence) and he's just a keeper.
Obviously he's not perfect but his flaws are not that he would ever betray me, belittle me, make me feel lesser etc

Why would anyone waste any time with the sort of person that makes them question themself, or puts you down, plays games?
It's so childish. It never ends well. What's the positive?

Hi everyone, I'm new on here. I need some advice please.
I got married just over 12 months ago.
Everything was going fine...until a couple months after on boxing night of our first xmas we went out had a few drinks, and after one too many came home. Then he strangled me....family intervened and I threw him out! Next day he rang couldn't remember a thing! said hes sorrys! I said I couldn't believe what he had done and likewise he also said the same. I contacted his mother and she was mortified. His mother suffers with her mental health and didnt take it very well!!! Anyway fast forward to new yr and only found out that he dolled up and went out!!! Then new years day his mother takes an overdose and is critical. I get a phone call from him saying if she dies he will kill me!!! and that it's my fault ext. Anyway she became stable and a couple weeks after we made up. Things were going fine again fast forward a couple of months and I got sick with my kidney. In hospital had to go for an operation...next day in the evening I'm in hospital still, and decide to call him he then ignores my calls, until he answered unknowingly and I can hear music in the background!!! Any way I try again and he answers! Hes answer was he had left the phone in the car!!! I went nuts!!! He told me his conversation was more important!!! Ok now I'm back home a couple days when he wont answer his phone again! he had gone for a couple hours but said he would only be half hour! When he came home he told me it was none of my buisness!! Fast forward a couple of weeks I'm in hospital again. The next morning I find out he didnt come home till 6 in the morning!! Anyway fast forward a couple of months and he gets into a big fight with my landlord I know for 32 yrs because of money! My landlord did do him wrong along with someone else, anyway landlord kicks him out of our place! So he gets a place somewhere else and we move. I was starting to get depressed in this new place anyway we got into a few arguments and I left a couple of times but ending back with him. Then one day he goes to watch football had a few then continued drinking through till ten o'clock that night. He was in such a state but ended up kicking the living daylights out of me!! I thought he was gona take my life...stood on my head and punched me repeatedly! Kicked my knee out of place and tore all the tendons and ligaments and said to me slurring that he didnt know what he was doing with me anyway cause he had women crawling all over him and did I feel worthless. Next day blamed me said I should have just left him alone and that he was spiked!! So with the state my face was in and limping I didnt want my family to see. I waited until I recovered and I left. A week goes by and before I know it my landlord is violently threatend by men he sent. So I had the landlords family on my case they cornered me and demanded his mothers number and address!! I give them I was in a state of shock and didnt know what to do. His mother got a phone call and bad things were said to her and he has blamed me and said he will never forgive me as I know his mother has mental health and I sold him out!! And that his mother is his everything as he told me before shes number 1!! The battle between him and my landlord is still ongoing..in this process...he has cut all contact and told me that it's over and move on it's never going to work...find out hes drinking and partying ever since..then has the cheek to text me to say hope I'm doing ok!!! And the mother is on the phone telling me dont give up on our marriage while hes having the time of Larry and has turned my life upside down. I've lost my home because of him and friendships.. thrun to the ways of the world..and hes living it up like we never even existed!!!! Its brocken me and hurt me so bad!!! I was 8 years older than him hes 28 I'm 35 my dream of being a good wife and having a family of which I was,I cooked , cleaned, washed, and it was never good enough, along with him being first man I ever been with. I feel so hurt. He could be nice and good, but the bad just outweighed it. I've tried everything to make it work after all this and he even one time pulled my hair while I was driving and would always call for my brothers and told me he didnt care for no-one. I feel so hurt he has blamed me for everything!! I feel bad for giving his mothers number and address and the things that was said to her but he caused it..I feel like my heart has been ripped out....and this was all just over 12 months...sad I'm just devastated I thought I had found the man of my dreams and only man I'd ever been with and it was gona last a lifetime....and this is just minor detail. I think I'm of men for life after this experience with him he would tell me every day how much he loved me and he didnt think hed find someone like me...he would send me pictures when we were good of our wedding day saying to me I love you and will mind you and protect you until the day I die...but hes put me through horrible heartless stages in our marriage and I've still forgave him for everything...I dont think another women would stick what I have anyway please advise ?!!
All I ever really done was shout at him when hed puss me of with his stupidity and put him going on a few occasions..and I did hit him back once when he hit with his boot on top of the head for saying that I understood why his mother suffers with mental health because of you!!! He went made and said how dare you talk about my mother. Yes this was another incident which I didnt mention. But I punched him in the face for it I was surprised he didnt kick the shit out of me but said I was a man of a thing!!
Hes only popped up today and said I'm thinking of you hope your ok!!!! He done all the damage fucked me off left me to the ways of the world and says it's over then messages me this!!! Who actually does this and u know hes been having the time of Larry partying no doubt sniffing and getting off with who he wants...

Ivy. I think you need to start your own thread, there’s a lot in there, although I only got as far as the word “strangled” and though there’s nothing more to know - just leave hi,, and pronto!

I think men can surprise you. A friend of a friend’s went out with the ‘sensible’ boy. He treated her like a queen, she treated him poorly. Four years later, he left her for her best mate!

Hey.
May I please join?
I am married to my partner of 10 plus years who I suspect has aspergers. He is a very nice person, calm, laid back. But emotional intimacy and our sex life is non existent. He is good looking but chemistry just isnt there really as he is so very dull where as I am outgoing. He provides, is stable and doesnt cheat. BUT doesnt want children (I'm not nearly 40) and he keeps saying maybe one day but he isnt ready! I had an affair with someone who turned violent and is literally obsessed! He has stalked and harassed and says he is in love with me.
I would have 20k from house but doubt I'll get mortgage with that(?) And at nearly 40, who Is going to want me 😔 so very unhappy and lonely

@Peppershall15

It might be an idea to talk to a therapist. I find therapy to be invaluable. It sounds like your self-esteem could do with a boost.

Hey!
Yes I have had CBT (I am also a qualified therapist, non practicing).

However, self esteem is tricky when you are with a man for so many years who has an inability to be emotionally intimate, tactile etc. But is, essentially, a good egg.
Sigh! I could be by myself but dont want to regret, and dont want to live in a dingy tiny flat, struggling to make ends meet.