please tell me your experiences of choosing the 'sensible' boy over the 'bad' boy? (lighthearted)

[pamandmick]

hi girls,

had years of going for the charming, exciting 'bad' boys who sell me the dream but all end up hurting me. i have let down many lovely, 'sensible' boys who would treat me like a queen. but they obviously don't seem to have the same appeal?

an odd request i know - but please tell me your experiences of going with a less exciting, lovely boy rather than the short-term excitement of a 'bad' boy?

I used to always moan to my best friend that I'd never been with a man who excited me and also treated me well, it was always just one or the other.

Until it wasn't. He came out of nowhere, took me completely by surprise. I didn't think it was possible to be so attracted to and interested in someone who was so lovely to me.

Reader, I married him

You shouldn't be with for someone who doesn't excite you, nor someone who treats you badly. Don't settle.

Same as a couple of others here - married a "good" one who turned out just to be a really good talker, and so convinced that he was a good guy that he made everyone else believe him. Post DC he turned into a lazy, rather misogynist, inattentive husband who left me feeling totally alone for years before eventually deciding that after all those years of being so good it was about time he did something for himself and started shagging a younger woman.

Now with someone I thought was a bad boy but who turns out to be interesting, attentive and kind.

Great idea to avoid the bad boys as long as you are 100% sure you can spot one in the wild.

A “bad boy” is simply not that in to you, hence treating you badly.

He won’t be a “bad boy” to someone else on all likelihood

I think a lot of the ‘nice guy’™️ men also turn out to be the bad guy

I am 55 and only just learnt that I played with too many bad boys and have had my heart ripped out too often. Yes, they were exciting, passionate, crazy and highly addictive. That’s what my problem was I was addicted to the on/off love/hate existence and it screwed me up. I am now with the most gentle soul, not a bad bone in his body and simply wants to be with me. I now get excited when I know we will see each other. He has an exciting career but he is stable and loving. I will take that over any bad boy any day but it took me goddam ages to realise this! Better late than never!

“Nice boys don’t kiss like that”. “Yes they fucking do!”

If by “bad” you mean things like smoking, boozing, drugs, womanising, unreliability, being a criminal, being violent, not working, those things aren’t sexy.

Have dated some seemingly nice people who I went off, they went off me, or didn’t treat me well - different issue.

Best thing I ever did- no drama, or feeling bad about yourself, he's where he says he will be, supportive and kind in every way- genuinely sees us a couple- am brilliantly happy

I met and married a sensible lad. He stuck in at college following an engineering apprenticeship; was a caring father to two handsome sons; a warm generous loyal loving husband; a considerate son to his parents and a successful man in his career which eventually allowed us to live a comfortable life and experience life overseas in his later years. He is now retired and has been at home all morning catching up on all his jobs around the house, washed my car and is currently preparing our evening meal whilst I went down to the swimming pool with a pal then had lunch out. I’ve just come in sat down whilst he’s just checked we need a few groceries and has nipped out to get them. Give me sensible any time. Forty four years of happy marriage and counting. Not a bit of angst and worry has he brought me.

I had this exact scenario actually. I was initially talking to and dating my now husband when my ex FWB got in touch with me. I had the crazy passionate romantic intense love story with this guy but it was exhausting. It was like we were obsessed with each other and both being passionate people we had some insane arguments.

My now husband was the loveliest guy, exactly my type but a lot calmer and wanted to settle down. My ex had been offered a job near me and wanted to make a proper go of it.

In the end I chose my husband and have never regretted that. I couldn't cope with the intensity of my ex. Stories are all about this intense passion, but sometimes you want to just sit around in your pjs, watch a film and chat. My ex was perfect for me in my wild 20s, but I am 38 now and I I something loving and stable, not jumping fences for urban exploration or learning stunts on a motorcycle.

I was diagnosed with a chronic illness a few years back and thought then that it would have been so much more difficult with my ex. He never would have been caring and compassionate like my lovely husband.

im pondering this right now.

Just come out of an 18yr relationship with the 'good guy' who turned out to be an abusive arsehole.

Am now stuck between the bad boy (racing enthusiast, crazy life, but a gentleman) and the good guy (nice but a bit boring) and can't decide which to go with.. my heart wants my boy racer... the head is saying nice guy.

ugh.

Why would you want to date a bad boy who beats u up cheats on you takes drugs and steals cars? Am I missing something? Never been into this I prefer more middle class stable job income and reliable never been into a bad boy.

@Missarad That's your definition of "bad boy"? I'd call that a "criminal" :)

*A “bad boy” is simply not that in to you, hence treating you badly.

He won’t be a “bad boy” to someone else on all likelihood*

My bad boy went out with a string of women; was only ever interested short term (we were friends before we got together and I was with someone else). Since being with me he hasn’t looked at anyone else.

He was also very flakey career wise; has a string of ropey jobs and I earned much more than him. When DC1 was born I had a wobbler and wanted to be a SAHM. He had all his long hair cut off, bought a suit and suddenly became very ambitious and driven. To be honest I didn’t like the big change in him, but we got through it. He’s had a really successful career in sales and surprised everyone.

I personally don't think it's about "good boys v bad boys" but about your own boundaries & what you accept.

I did the bad Boys & got shat on too. "Good boys" bored me though the nearest I got to what seemed like one, turned out to a complete fake, but my own skewed boundaries blinded me to a emotional abuser.

I'm now very happily married to another "bad boy" for close 20years. He knows full well that I take no shit, that was made very clear early on & he respects that & loves that I stood up to him as weirdly nobody else ever did . On the outside he's still very much the bad boy, but he's a big pushy cat really

@melissa1215
Your post made me cry! I’ve been searching for what you describe my whole life!

It is all about the boundaries as a pp said. Also your own personality and self esteem.
I'm thinking of bad boys as good looking, spontaneous/chaotic lifestyle, some drinking/drugs, charming/intense, popular with girls/women and most importantly unreliable.
Telling me you'll text/call/call over and not doesn't leave me pining, it leaves me pissed off and less likely to respond when you do deign to make contact.
As a teenager I was still "nice" so ended up with a few bad boys because I hated dumping people or being"mean".
I wised up in my twenties and while I still got chatted up by the bad boys I wasn't interested.
In my thirties they stopped trying, getting an eye roll instead of a giggle cools the ardour somewhat 😂

@TinklyLittleLaugh

My point exactly.

He wasn’t a bad boy to you because he wanted to be with you.
The string of women before you - he may have been their “bad boy” because he wasn’t in to them

I think "bad boy" is a really weird and vague term. I'm never sure what it means. For what it's worth, when I met my DH in our early twenties a lot of people described him as a bad boy - he got expelled from school, slept around a lot, got in trouble with the law (thankfully never anything major), drank and took drugs. But he was also sweet, smart and in hindsight, just young and a bit messed up by a difficult family life as a kid.

He is now in his forties, with a successful academic career, and we've been happily and monogamously married for years. On the other hand, the nice "sensible" guy I tried dating before him turned out to be a right tosser.

I was married to a bad boy for 20 years and the initial excitement didn't last. The constant highs and lows were exhausting and it was without a doubt an abusive relationship. My now boyfriend is the complete opposite; sensible, steady, caring and measured. My initial attraction may not have been as overwhelming but is strong in a different way. We have an unshakeable love for each other and we are a team, something I could never have said about my ex who turned everything into a competition.

@ravenmum - are you me? That sounds like my life story 😂

Firstly, I think you should be with someone who is nice to everyone, not just nice to you. Big red flag if they are horrible to others (one test is how they treat waiters/people in shops etc).

Secondly, and I’m going to start my own thread about this, I married the sensible one and have lived to regret it. Turns out he wasn’t all that sensible (made a couple of poor and selfish decisions).

20 years later I am still with him, he’s still sensible in many ways - not made any poor or selfish decisions in recent years, a great father, provides well and generally well balanced - has respectable, healthy hobbies and friends. Has helped me through some hard times.

However, I’m bored out of my brain and pining after excitement (in particular with an ex).

My advice to anyone : Don’t settle, especially if you want have DC. Once DC come along it’s a whole other ball game.

Maybe shift things to a more brutally honest description? Let’s take your OP for example and try...

had years of going for immature, spoilt me children who sell me the dream but all end up hurting me. I have let down many grown up men who would treat me like a queen. but obviously they don’t seem to have the same appeal

How does that sound to you now? ‘Cos, no offence intended, it’s the truth!

*menchildren not me children

I went with the unattractive 'sensible boy' and he slowly revealed himself to be neurotic and a freak (to me) in bed. I wish I had gone for the 'bad boy', even though I found his sexiness intimidating and pre-judged him for it. I thought he would never be faithful.

I do wonder what might have been.

mrshuskey in what way other than motor racing does the “bad boy” have a “crazy life”?

I wouldn’t call someone with a high risk occupation or hobby a “bad boy” but might well choose not to date them because I’m anxious and risk averse and would worry a lot! Eg I didn’t date my now DH at a time when his career plan was to join the RAF.