I've got 2 questions

[LimboLandisRubbish]

So DH and I are going through a bad patch. Basically he is having a MLC (he's 50) and acknowledges this. The thing is, a lot of his angst is being directly at me and our relationship.

We went to counselling a few days ago. We have seen them individually and really like them. Then we went together for the first session. I came out feeling really awful and cried for the rest of the night. My DH talked a lot and I can see what his issues are. Then we talked about us. I agree with what the counsellor said was our problem but when it came out in the open it made me feel sad that the problem is very real and it could be the end of us. I cried for the rest of the night. I'm still crying now.

Q: Is it normal to feel worse after a marriage guidance session?

Husbands misery has been going on for about a year now and it is wearing me down. Whilst I feel sorry for him, there is only so much ravaging of my self esteem I can take and sitting here crying alone is a path I don't want to go further down. I have loads of things to do and lots of important things I need to focus my mind on including important exams for my DC. However, this is debilitating. The amount of head space I am giving this is unreal. I need to get to a place where I can distance myself from my DH's woes and get on with my life. Nothing is getting done.

So my second Q is - how can I sort out my own life whilst he is getting over his own crisis (or not getting over it)? He may well come to the conclusion after counselling that he wants out and I'm so tired that if this is what he wants then so be it. How can I turn all this negative energy being pumped out into more productive ones?

Question 1 - YES - counselling and therapy in early stages make you feel worse about things. Things get worse before they get better.

Question 2 - you have to get on with your own life. Leave your DH to his MLC. You have other things to do and worry about.
Get a list together. Prioritise it, and work through it.
I think it would help for you to have some space.
Does he have somewhere he could go for a while?
You need him and his misery out of space so you can focus on other things.
He is dragging you down. Stop allowing it!

Ah, that’s tough, OP.

I don’t know anything about Q1, never having been to marriage counselling.

Q2, can you start to think about you as a separate being? By which I mean, think now about what you want. How you can make your life better. Are you filling up your cup by seeing friends, doing things you enjoy (independent of him)? You can leave him to wallow.

Do you think you have sort of checked out? Because if he has been ravaging your self esteem that would not be unreasonable.

What do you want? Do you want him to move out while he sorts out what he wants?

I don't want him to move out as that will upset my DC a lot and I don't think he will come back. I do love him very much and am very hurt that the person I loved most in the world is now saying our marriage is rubbish. I'm tired though. I have stuff to do and I am anxious at work which I really don't need as I will need this job if he leaves.

There are a lot of positive changes that are being instigated in our lives e.g. moving school and house which will make our lives a lot better. I need to get on with this. Whether DH comes with us or not, this still needs to be done. I just don't have the energy and am massively distracted with our issues. For example, I should be doing some work but I am on here.

What are the root causes of his apparent dissatisfaction with his marriage now?. He is taking up far too much of your headspace and really does come across as a selfish individual.

Having him in the marital home really does you and they for that matter no favours; if he is that apparently unhappy then he should be moving out. Your children are certainly picking up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken, you two show each other.

But you are talking like all these decisions are yours. Some are his. Indeed 50% of the stuff leading up to now is him.
You can’t save this marriage alone. Stop talking like it’s all on you.

Attila, the issues are that he says he has a dull existence. I don't want to go into detail as my friends are on here but he really doesn't. He has a great life and is very lucky. Most people I know have not had what I call the charmed life he has had. Apparently when he was younger his life was a lot more exciting. Apparently evenings with DW and DC is dull and routine same old same old.

The irony is that he has always been the dullest person in our house.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What do you think your kids think of their own father?. Is this really the model of a relationship you both want to be teaching them?.

I would leave him to stew in his own juice and have a fresh start without him. Such people like him are never happy unless they are miserable and have everyone at home around them feeling the same as they do. You're all tiptoeing around him and its no life for you or your kids.

I know it's not. "We" are making plans for a new life. He may decide not to join us when it comes to the final decision, but DC and I are still doing it. I am not getting anything out of this relationship except financial stability. That's not why I'm still with him.

YOU think he has a great life but he obviously doesn't in his mind. Did he by any chance say that he doesn't feel valued by you ?

Not answering your question here, but when we started counselling, it was because of an issue that DH had done. I felt annoyed with him because I felt that he'd brought something on me that didn't need to happen and I was already full to capacity with 3 DC, one with special needs, work, running the home, doing all the family admin, and this was just another burden on me distracting me from the important stuff. I get the idea you feel similarly about the issue with your DH.
Anyway, we stuck with the counselling, even though we often dreaded it and sometimes felt worse. We're still going and seeing light at the end of the tunnel. It's always a leap of faith trying to save your relationship as at any moment either party could decide they want out.
I agree with others, try and focus on yourself and your stuff. Your H has his own issues to deal with and he may or may not do that.

In answer to your first question - absolutely yes. Counselling forces you to talk about, analyse and focus on all sorts of stuff that you've been normalising/minimising/avoiding and it can be really upsetting. Take a deep breath and give yourself a pat on the back for facing up to your fears and actually taking a step (individually and as a couple) to address the issues.

As for the second question - I spent some time as the OW (please don't flame me, not the point of this thread) to a man in seeming MLC. That relationship ended a couple of years ago, he's now mid-fifities and apparently still dithering around in his own misery and avoiding his emotional responsibilities (so I hear from mutual friends).

If this outsider's perspective of a MLC could be applied to your situation, I would say to focus on you and your children because you cannot control if/when he checks back in again. I can't imagine how heartbreaking that would be, but I also think that waiting for someone you love to check back in could be equally damaging and no one needs that pain.

Thx Part. Yes that is how I feel. I'm trying to juggle a lot and this is stuff I don't need.

I do value my DH and he knows this. When I said I'm not getting anything out of relationship I meant right now as he's gone mentally AWOL.

Holrosea
I appreciate your post, thanks X

So he's - bored ?

There was another thread on here recently with a similar theme.

He is responsible for his own entertainment and he needs to acknowledge this.

He needs to realise that you only get out what you put in ( I had to learn this)

My dh said I'm not here to entertain you.

Once I started putting in the effort my life improved considerably.

Now we do assorts of stuff together.

If his life is dull he needs to jazz it up in so far as his responsibilities allow (you, his dc, his job). Like every other normal adult. Therefore don’t waste all this mental energy on him.

But if he has led a charmed life maybe he is just dull himself in which case again don’t waste mental energy on him.

Thanks. Your comments have cheered me up. I can see that I need to just get on with it whilst he "finds himself". Thing is, I don't want to feel an idiot for waiting it out if he decides to bunk.

When I was in a similar situation, MN told me "cherchez la femme" and indeed when I did, I found one.

He may well come to the conclusion after counselling that he wants out and I'm so tired that if this is what he wants then so be it.
Why would you only end it if it is what he wants?

When I was in a similar situation, MN told me "cherchez la femme" and indeed when I did, I found one.

Indeed.
MLC can have men thinking that if they could change the outside they'd feel better on the inside - new car, new woman , new haircut.

Doesn't work like that.

How do I "cherchez la femme" exactly?
I desperately need to.

Ravenmum
I don't want to end it. I just want the pre MLC man back.

Read that wrong. Thought you meant go find the woman in me, not go find the OW. It's quite possible.

It does sound a bit affairy :( Have a look at some of the "ten signs he's having an affair" lists and see how many ticks you get.

The main thing that strikes me is that he's finding fault with you.
This is classic cognitive dissonance. We all like to think that we are good people, so when we do something horrible to someone, we subconsciously look for reasons why they deserve to be treated badly, as the alternative (they don't deserve it) would mean that we were not very nice.

The limbo is the worst part. I put up with it for almost a year then asked him to leave (this was before I found OW) as I couldn't stand it any more.
As it happend, I found the OW before he found a new place to stay.
But after he left it was soooo much better. Even though it was also bad, as the end of the marriage. But still so much better than the limbo.

Get yourself personal counseling, speak to your GP, consider meds if it is affecting your work etc.

It's just The Script isn't OP? I know it's hard, but I think waiting for him to be happy and to decide to stay with you. If he's miserable he needs to move out and let you live your life.

He'll find out that the grass isn't greener (OW, or no OW) but the limbo you are currently in is doing neither you nor your children any good at all.

I split up with my ex in mid life. Another woman miraculously appeared a few months later. I can say this now, 5 years later, I have never been happier. It was the best thing that happened to me for a long time. Him? He still a moaning malcontent.

Just out of interest, aside from being skint and alone, what are the positive feelings about DH being gone? What about the DC and guilt at the marriage ending.
As you've said, I feel it's all on me. Both him putting it on me and me feeling crap about a failing marriage.