I've got 2 questions

[LimboLandisRubbish]

So DH and I are going through a bad patch. Basically he is having a MLC (he's 50) and acknowledges this. The thing is, a lot of his angst is being directly at me and our relationship.

We went to counselling a few days ago. We have seen them individually and really like them. Then we went together for the first session. I came out feeling really awful and cried for the rest of the night. My DH talked a lot and I can see what his issues are. Then we talked about us. I agree with what the counsellor said was our problem but when it came out in the open it made me feel sad that the problem is very real and it could be the end of us. I cried for the rest of the night. I'm still crying now.

Q: Is it normal to feel worse after a marriage guidance session?

Husbands misery has been going on for about a year now and it is wearing me down. Whilst I feel sorry for him, there is only so much ravaging of my self esteem I can take and sitting here crying alone is a path I don't want to go further down. I have loads of things to do and lots of important things I need to focus my mind on including important exams for my DC. However, this is debilitating. The amount of head space I am giving this is unreal. I need to get to a place where I can distance myself from my DH's woes and get on with my life. Nothing is getting done.

So my second Q is - how can I sort out my own life whilst he is getting over his own crisis (or not getting over it)? He may well come to the conclusion after counselling that he wants out and I'm so tired that if this is what he wants then so be it. How can I turn all this negative energy being pumped out into more productive ones?

He’s being pretty horrible to you. I think you should not feel guilty but should start disengaging and creating a life you and dcs can manage (and enjoy) alone.

To me this is pretty much exactly The Script and I suspect there’s an OW. Or something going on which is not your fault. I agree with the cognitive dissonance comment above.

As for something positive, although I’d dreaded him leaving for years the DCs snd I have been so much happier and more relaxed since 💐

The kids felt the tension, too. When he was gone it was a huge relief. They could still meet him, but didn't have the horrible atmosphere at home.

Don't buy into his game of guilt and blame. Sure, try your best to save the marriage if that makes you feel better, but don't actually damage your health doing it. Don't wait until you have a breakdown or start getting physical symptoms. You don't have to martyr yourself for your marriage, it is OK to get out when it is too hard for you.

For me the time came when I had a counselling session with a really awful (not properly trained) counsellor who was trying to get me to see how I could achieve the situation I wanted. She tried to represent it as a clock but the metaphor didn't work and it just made me realise that I could not achieve the situation I wanted.

In your case, if he is claiming to be willing to try, maybe you could make it a trial separation and see if things improve. Just them not being there and causing tension does help.