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Original poster

Would you ask what we are or is it too soon?

42 replies

GreenLabelsSn · 06/02/2020 05:33

Been dating now for 2-3 months. We are both proactive with arranging dates, see each other regularly. I’m 35 and want to settle down...for context I’ve been dating years and so I’m confident from my perspective that I want to give this a proper go...by that I mean I’ve dated enough to know he’s what I was looking for!

He’s said he missed me (once), he’s always asking me to stay over, seems to indicate he wants to progress things with little jokes about going on a holiday one day etc. Almost certain he’s not seeing anyone else. But he doesn’t speak to me everyday (almost everyday) and hasn’t asked or talked about what we are. I don’t want to waste my time or get in deeper if he’s not in the same page but also don’t want to scare him off if he’s just more relaxed than me about this stuff. He did say recently he’s ready to settle down.

Would you raise it or leave it for now?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 06/02/2020 05:36

I'd ask, if it scares him off he's the right guy

SleepingStandingUp · 06/02/2020 05:37

*not

ManxomeFoe · 06/02/2020 05:37

How did you meet? I met DH online and after a couple of months he said he was thinking of deleting his dating site profile as he was no longer using it, and asked if I'd be willing to do the same. It might be too early for a big discussion about what your future children's names will be, but 3 months is fine for a conversation about exclusivity!

Shev1996 · 06/02/2020 05:41

If it’s been 2-3 months you need to know now. How long would you otherwise wait? Don’t do the love stuff yet if your not ready but do tell him you want to define your relationship and know where you stand.

Original poster
GreenLabelsSn · 06/02/2020 05:41

Yes we met online. I don’t think he’s seeing anyone else, I’m not concerned about that really.

I’d just like to know if we are a couple I suppose? Maybe asking about exclusivity is a way of asking if we are a couple?! I don’t know.

OP posts:
Shev1996 · 06/02/2020 05:43

Well you need to ask something or you are wasting your life on a what if

Original poster
GreenLabelsSn · 06/02/2020 05:44

What would I say... what are we? Are we a couple?

I don’t want to sound intense. He’s said before he’s happy to go at my pace ...I definitely gave the impression at the start that I was extremely relaxed about things. This was because I’d dated so much that I didn’t want to give the wrong idea if I wasn’t feeling it later on (which always seems to happen I go off people, but I haven’t gone off him!)

OP posts:
caulkheaded · 06/02/2020 05:44

Yes, I would.
I asked someone this after about a month but we had known each other years. Said something like “so I like you, and I think you like me...but what are we?” Then when we agreed we liked each other I then said I’d like him to meet my friends and talked about how we would introduce each other.

AmelieTaylor · 06/02/2020 05:45

Do you want children?

If you do I would have that discussion for sure, if he never wants children (with anyone) & you do then ‘it’s over rover’ anyway surely? & no point in getting in any deeper. I’m assuming he’s at least your age & so if that conversation scares him off then I’d bin him anyway in the grounds if not Beijing and actual adult anyway.

If you feel ready for a conversation it’s never to early to have it, if they can’t handle it, that tells you all you need to know about them.

Original poster
GreenLabelsSn · 06/02/2020 05:46

Caulk but what did that mean to you?

I want to know we are in a relationship basically. A friend said why ask as we are already in one why definition?

OP posts:
Original poster
GreenLabelsSn · 06/02/2020 05:46

We have talked about children and both want them yes

OP posts:
caulkheaded · 06/02/2020 05:51

I think I needed some clarity. I thought we were seeing each other But I didn’t think I could go in to it but saying “what are we” so had to go round a bit. Have you met each other’s friends yet? That helped because we then talked about how to introduce each other, ie this is Fred, we’ve been seeing each other for a few months”

Shev1996 · 06/02/2020 05:52

Ask him in a roundabout way then, it you don’t feel comfortable just asking. Say something like what should I call you in terms of my relationship with you if my friends/family ask? Although tbh I’d prefer to just ask are we in a relationship now? What are you expecting from this?

Original poster
GreenLabelsSn · 06/02/2020 05:55

We did have a conversation last week where I said I wanted to be sure about me and him before progressing. To which he said where he was at was he wanted to meet someone to settle down with (he’s 37).

OP posts:
Shev1996 · 06/02/2020 05:59

OP, how old are you? Frankly you are sounding a little needy and if I was a relation of someone dating you I’d tell them to walk away. He’s 37, a grown man, so either be honest and act like a grown up in return or walk away. This isn’t rocket science

Namechangedyorkshire · 06/02/2020 06:01

Whilst I agree about moving forward and that means no dating profiles, I do think it is a bit heavy to talk about much more...it is 2-3 months not years. Whilst clearly if he was someone who didn't want kids and you do, and it came out..well yes relevant but these are heavy conversations for such an early relationship

It would put me off discussing so early

Original poster
GreenLabelsSn · 06/02/2020 06:05

I’m 35. I tend to agree it’s too soon really. Juat don’t want to waste my time.

OP posts:
Pluckedpencil · 06/02/2020 06:08

I think the difference is you met online. And you don't want to be thrown unceremoniously back into the dating ocean which is fair enough. I'd ask if he'd like to meet your friends, and then just say "what do I introduce you as"? ;-)

Original poster
GreenLabelsSn · 06/02/2020 06:11

Actually last time I saw him we were talking about one of my friends and I joked that he wouldn’t want to meet her (they have a very different interest in one particular thing, so I was joking) and he said oh no I would like to.

He’s pretty well mannered though and I’m not completely convinced he’s saying things from his heart compared with just being polite. I’m a cynical one though!!

OP posts:
caulkheaded · 06/02/2020 06:23

It was slightly easier for me as I have a birthday soon so could talk about celebrating with him, inviting him to join stuff with my friends etc. Anything like that where you can legitimately ask

mrshappen · 06/02/2020 06:25

I'd probably ask if you are exclusive now. Not too soon for that at all. I'd just come out with it.. so it's been a few months now, i don't have any interest in seeing anyone else, are you feeling the same?

Original poster
GreenLabelsSn · 06/02/2020 06:26

Well valentines is coming up Grin

Not sure how I feel about that if he doesn’t even acknowledge it in jest! (I don’t like the day personally)

OP posts:
caulkheaded · 06/02/2020 06:38

Having never celebrated or acknowledged Valentine’s Day before, I found myself partly hoping he would send flowers to work for me.
I think it’s mite likely we will also be commenting in jest about it

moonsnake · 06/02/2020 06:48

Your friend is wrong. You cannot assume anything about exclusivity/relationship status unfortunately that's not how it works these days.

You don't need to be super intense but you need to ask.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 06/02/2020 06:51

I think a couple of posters have been a bit harsh here. While I agree that it's too early to know where it's going, who knows at such an early stage whether this will be a relationship etc, I do think you have a right to know if its exclusive or not.
I'm assuming you're having sex, or moving towards that stage. In which case I'd want to know if he was having sex with others too. I have no problem with multiple dating etc. I understand and accept it's how it is to begin with. You find out about someone, get to know someone but I personally dont have sex with multiple people (I'm not talking about at the same time ha ha). I would just say hey I like you, I'm interested to see if this has legs to go anywhere. I'm wondering if you feel the same. I'm happy to, and would like to continue as we are but I'm approaching/or have arrived at the stage where I would like to do that without the distraction of us dating others too. How do you feel about that?
Once you start to develop feelings, which it sounds like you are, I think it's best to get things out in the open. You dont want to wait 6 months down the line and discover he is still dating /sleeping with others and you're on a completely different page. Take the confusion out of the equation then everyone knows where they stand and you can just focus on where you're both going, if anywhere, without over thinking things.

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