Boyfriend of 4 years and dad to my children caught cheating with multiple prostitutes... I’m a crushed & need advice

[AMSxxx]

Hi all, so the subject gives it away and I’ll try not to ramble on too much but i am really struggling to process and cope with this, I have no one to talk to and just need advice. So I’ve been with my partner (let’s say ‘bob’) for 4 years. I have a son 8 from previous relationship, a 2 year old son (mine & bobs) and also currently pregnant (mine and bobs). I was completely head over heals with Bob, I knew him from when we was young and he’d always been the perfect man from the beginning of our relationship, he turned out to be an amazing role model from my son who’s bio dad is a complete dead beat, my son adores bob. We had 1000% trust, I gave him everything I had in me, and I felt he did too! We never row, only sometimes have minor disagreements but never had a screaming match. So I came across a message from a guy on bobs phone which was talking about a reverse booking that bob made on adult work and basically this guy watches (don’t know if he joins) his wife have sex/ give oral sex to people, the messages were so detailed and This couple came from a good 2 hour drive from where we live and bob at the end said he will meet them in a few weeks. After I read that I felt destroyed, but felt this wasn’t Bob, I broke down. I told him what I saw and he denied it all and said it was probably someone at work messing about, yet he didn’t confront anyone for doing this I BELIEVED THE BULLSHIT HE TOLD ME. So 5 months later in September just gone I was on our iPad which is linked to his iCloud account he has on his phone, i logged into a clothes site and it gave me a list of all his saved usernames and passwords and for what websites they’re for... I saw adult work 😰 I logged in and there were pages and pages on him making request bookings (I have learned that this is him basically making an advert for his requirements and others messaging him if they can meet his needs) there were so many, also messages of him asking a local escort saying ‘are you around now to come to my house for a blowie’ OUR FUCKING FAMILY HOME 😩 whilst I was out with family which he said he didn’t feel up to attending (didn’t bother me that he wanted to chill after a day at work, I get that). I can’t remember what she replied and then he said ‘you met me before and sucked me off in the back of my *) he stated the make out car which we recently brought, he never owned one before. Anyway I confronted him, he denied it all and said he never met these women, Cried his eyes out to me begging for a second chance, and how much we mean to him bla bla bla. he is only 26 and the women he stated gave him a blowie before is 52?! I wouldn’t dream of ever disrespecting him in the slightest, I just feel so let down, humiliated and used. We had a sex life, all throughout pregnancy I made the effort to be intimate almost every night. I just don’t understand, anyways his excuse was that he feels lonely at times and he just used to message people for a reply, I know it’s bullshit! He lied to me once about where he was before we lived together (I sound crazy but he set himself up on my phone so I knew where he was but I think he done it wrong and tried to do it so he could see where I was) anyways that was a while ago and at the time he told me he was at home but he wasn’t, so I told him my sister see him and then he said he was picking his mate up. why would you lie about that? I don’t know but After finding this all out with the messaging escorts we were distracted with moving again as our landlord put the property up for sale so I kind of felt I got over it, and now I’m pregnant again I’m so emotional and I can’t stop thinking about it, I think it’s now sunk it how bad this is, I cry to him every night and I’ve noticed I’m trying too hard to be more naughty with our sex life, it’s so embarrassing but he stated to escorts ‘can I see you at 2pm for external prostate’ I had no idea what this even was before and now I’m doing it because I just want to fulfill his needs and him not go elsewhere, I can’t bare the thought he’s touched and been intimate with other women, I said to him last week ‘you won’t admit what you’ve done because your ashamed’ and now he doesn’t deny it, I gave him everything I had in me, we have a family, a home, I work from home and provide too, I cook, I always make sure the house is tidy when he comes home, I just am so heartbroken, I can’t tell any of my friends because instantly they will hate him, I feel that if this happened sooner I would of left but I now have 2 kids to think about and and another one on the way. He reminds me he’ll never do it again but I don’t think I can believe him, surely after I confronted him about the message from the guy then he would of stopped knowing how much it hurt me to read! My whole world seems to have crushed, I thought we had such a strong relationship, my friends still now tell me how much they envy me for me and see how ‘happy’ I am, I feel like a fraud because they don’t know the half of it, I just need help, I don’t know what I should do ....
Many thanks X

I'm really not sure how you thought you had a strong relationship when you caught him cheating before

But anyway you need an std check and counselling

It sounds like you know what you want to do, but you're looking for permission to do it. You're cooking, cleaning, tidying, working, parenting, and now trying to do things you wouldn't ordinarily like in the bedroom while also pregnant. This man doesn't want a partner, he wants a cleaning sex doll robot.

And you're right, he will do it again.

You can't mend him. You can't fix him. He is a liar. He is a cheat. He doesn't have feelings for you he is just using you for cover. Tell everyone irl you have nothing to be ashamed of. Tell him to leave. He will never change. Life is too short to put up with this shit. He's disgusting

1. Get a STD check from your GP or community clinic.
2. Forget what friends think of you, and your relationship. You are with a man who buys sex from adult workers. He cheated. He abuses other women (since most of them are there to serve pimps, addictions, horrible life histories etc) and he is sponsoring an industry that keeps them in a terrible situation where they risk being raped, murdered, assaulted etc.
3. He lies about his activity on the computer. He is a liar, and that doesn't make a good partner.
4. He doesn't care if you believe him or not. If he respected you then he wouldn't buy sex elsewhere.

You cannot change 'Bob', but you can change your quality control settings when it comes to men.

I’ve had checks done, I done that as soon as I found out and they’re all negative thankfully. It’s just still so raw, I can’t believe this has happened, like how can someone do that to you? He convinced me he was perfect and that he had the same morals as me, I’m so shocked, and of corse I never asked for this to happen, I don’t want anyone else, I’m so in love with him. I mean before the cheating I felt we had a strong relationship (sorry I’ve not worded things right), I feel stupid to falling pregnant at the wrong time because I’m making the situation harder for myself, it’s such a horrible feeling and I feel so trapped in my emotions, I would never stand for this in previous relationships so why am I now?

I updated my user name by the way, I think it’s showing different to my post xx

You don't need to stand for it. He's shown you who he is. Time to show him the door and take time to heal and grieve for the hopes you had for this relationship and do not rush into another one until you have learned to love yourself

He's a punter. If you stay with him, he'll keep using prostitutes.

A new relationship would be the very last thing to ever happen, my 8 year old has adhd and mild autism too I’ve got far too much on my plate to think about that lol I just wished people wouldn’t do these things, I’m so heartbroken and I know it’s so bad what he’s done and I’m trying to not beleive it’s happened. I’m mad at myself for how I’m dealing with it. I think the break up from my previous affected my first son and I feel awful to put him through that again, agh this is just horrid, my head is thumping and I am so drained from the anxiety and pain, I don’t understand what I’ve done to deserve this xx

You need to leave him. He now knows you've found out everything and instead of kicking him to the curb for it, your blaming yourself and doing things you wouldn't normally do to keep him satisfied in the hope he'll stop/change? You've basically given him permission to do what he wants regardless- theres no consequence for him.
He won't stop.

You sound like you need some help with your self esteem, boundaries and self worth- it's a difficult time especially as your pregnant, but you need to tell this to people in real life who will back you up and support you away from this situation.

I think you know the answer lovely— this guy is addicted to the buzz of naughty/novelty, it isn’t that you arent enough, you will never be enough for such a person . He might stop for a bit but will find better ways to cover his tracks. Can you live for years checking every movement, every phone ding, every absence?? I don’t think you can however I would be going for leather and stating he plays fair by you or you will go into detail with everyone and his mother about his activities. I feel for your son, best to be honest and just say he’s done some things that have made you very sad and you cant live together .

Your children will thrive if you are happy and healthy which you will never be if you stay with him. Don't tie yourself in knots wondering why he is such a pig, focus on yourself, your needs and your kids. It's painful now but you will recover if you get the hell away from this loser

Can we have it again, with paragraphs? Not being pedantic just my eyes get lost in the solid block of text.

I know your all right, I just can’t ever imagine life without him. My family think the sun shines out his arse, I’m so embarrassed for myself, Thankyou for all replying, it does really help xx

Sorry bunnyfuller, i tried to get as much in without trying to forget things but crying as typing so probably haven’t made much sense 😩

OP you have outdated views on a woman’s role in a relationship and have been a complete doormat. That said, you know he is a no good piece of shit shit deep down.
Get rid of him, get tested for std’s and get some therapy to help with your self-esteem issues.

Why, just why would you care about him?

1. He has used you family home for sex with people who are most likely in desperate situations
2. He has spent money on this, that could be used for your family
3. He used your family car for disgusting acts
4. He is turning you into something you don’t want to be in terms of sex
5. He doesn’t love you
6. He most likely enjoys you being hurt
7. anyone who came to your home could have stolen from you and your children
8. He dies not respect you, or your unborn child by putting you at risk of disease
9. He lied and will lie and lie again
10. He is abusing your good nature as a slave, a sex slave and he quite frankly possibly hates you, given what he has done.

You can parent alone. Don’t let your children grow up watching this vile cunt destroy you.

What advice are you looking for ?

Bloody hell, you poor thing. His extensive cheating has done him some good in that it has made you feel you have to do some sexual stuff that you had never even heard of, whilst pregnant, to try to stop him cheating. He is a world class cunt.

why is your bar set so low that you tolerate men such as these?

2 dead beat fathers yet you cannot even see that your own lack of self esteem is the root of all of this?

The simple fact is the sun certainly does not shine out of this mans arse OP- it's up to you to make people aware of that, what's stopping you? Your being treated like shit, he does not deserve any kind of protection from that- you need some back up, but it sounds like you need to find courage to open up about it?
Tell someone, anyone you trust irl just to get it out there at first- this will eat you up otherwise- far far worse than confronting this.

Thing is, OP, that if you act like a doormat, you'll get treated like one. He's literally wiping his feet all over you, but you're on the defensive claiming how much you love him.

If one thing is clear from your post, it's that he doesn't love you. Let alone respect you.

Stop covering his tracks, tell your friends and get some support. Stop making this all about him and what he needs, and make it about you.

I don’t know why I’ve allowed it, I am really insecure which doesn’t help, and I feel really vulnerable at the Minute especially another child is in the picture and me being pregnant, I’m finding it hard to be able to cope as well as try and stay strong for my children. So we was literally just in bed , He asked if I was okay and I blurted it all out, said to him he’ll never respect me and he’ll do it again, he doesn’t me because you don’t do that to someone you ‘love’, you just love the idea of it, it’s vile what you’ve done. Anyways he’s gone to his mums, I’m just so gutted because before all of this I generally thought I knew him, I fell in love with a lie and I did not expect this at all, had a family and then bang, it was all good to be true, and now I’m the one left in the gutter. I just wished he was who I thought he was, I breaks me, and like I said you are all so right, but I think if you haven’t been through such thing then your not understanding my pain... It’s so much easier said than done to just leave and move on. There’s emotion that comes with that too, well just over 1 month into 2020 and this definitely isn’t my year 🤣😩

Thing is alot on here have been through the pain of ending relationships, but now have the insight to give very valid advice - don't think your alone in that- do you still love your first 'shit of an ex'? Was ending that relationship painful at the time?

Relationship break-ups are painful, but you need to use the advice your being given on here like an external camera- The upset will pass, then you'll see with clearer eyes what an absolute prick you've had a lucky escape from. The guys putting your health at risk on every level, where's your deal breaker OP?

I'm sorry OP how awful.

You have to leave him. He isn't going to change.

He may well end up being blackmailed by a sex worker too one day as this happened to my friends ex; the sex worker threatened to send pictures to his work.