I feel like I am close to leaving and I don’t have a lot of RL support so I guess I just want someone to help me see clearly.
Dh does the cooking (which he enjoys, and he picks most of the meals we eat) and he does washing up. This is the extent of what he does round the house. I do all laundry/drying, cleaning (toothpaste out of the sink, splashes off the kitchen tiles behind the hob, sticky surfaces, hoovering obvious dust, mopping dirty floors..: the works but what I’m saying is that it’s very obvious mess that needs cleaning and left to his devices he does not do it.) I sourced a cleaner as was sick of doing it all but we paid halves of the cleaner. When we had to get rid of her recently dh just wanted to get a new one. I did the whole house this week myself as we wouldn’t have the help and he literally lay in bed all Sunday afternoon while I cleaned up around him.) He tells me I should tell him if I want him to “help”. But being the “manager” in this way is so draining and frustrating. I wish he could jsut see what obviously needs to be done and do it. Nevertheless we have argued about this before and he says I don’t appreciate his contribution. I also clean the cats litter out and keep her fed and watered, again he doesn’t take the initiative even when her litter tray stinks obviously.
He is lazy. Not jsut around the house. In the mornings I start work earlier and need to be gone by just after 8 but he lies in bed til gone 8 and is always complaining he slept badly (I think this is partly due to him being very overweight and entirely sedentary.) As a result I rush to get dd dressed and breakfasted in the morning before I leave otherwise they will be too rushed before school and I know he will be impatient with her. Which leads me into..
He is moody and grumpy. If I go to gym for 45 mins in the evening (after ensuring dd dinner is done), I will often come back and he has got cross with her about something. In the mornings he frequently messages me when I’m at work spouting about tantrums and how cross he is to start his day this way. He has a very short fuse with dd and sometimes he has flashes of playfulness or being Disney dad esque which also maximum of a day before he is too tired, grumpy or bored to really engage with dd and he just ends up getting cross with her or just going on his phone and not playing with her etc. It’s got to the point where I am considering changing back my work hours so I do all getting ready, school dropoffs, pickups, and am going to quit the gym (which I love doing 3 or 4 times a week) so that dd doesn’t have to deal with dh moods. He bought a parenting book months ago but has never read it. I’m always coming up w it parenting strategies to try and help him be less impatient.
He is also moody with me (and worse sometimes.) If I “seem off” or especially if I challenge him on something he goes from 0-10 and says I’m always criticising him. If I defend myself it’s that I’m “impossible to communicate with” and “turn everything into a debate”. In the past 2 months he has threatened to leave me about 4 times including getting bags out on occasion. Then he will say he never wants to leave me. It’s very confusing and I feel that it’s a situation where if I try and raise a grievance he will be angry, defensive and ultimately pulls the leaving threat to get me to comply. He will sulk and stonewall, scrolling through phone when I’m trying to talk. When in this mood he will abandon any responsibilities around the house or to dd and I find it hard to carry on as I need to.
He is childish. Always farting around me even thoguh I’ve asked him not to, making inappropriate jokes I don’t like, his only “hobbies” are scrolling through reddit and playing on a computer game. I am the only one who plans evenings out for us, holidays, family time. He is really overweight and refuses to address it. This has also contributed to our lack of sex life because I just don’t fancy him anymore (but I have never told him this.)
Our joint finances consist of a 50/50 split of everything even thoguh he earns about 30% more than me. But he will “send me money” for a coffee etc sometimes.
He doesn’t have any life outside our relationship. Doesn’t see friends, doesn’t go on work nights out, doesn’t have hobbies outside the home.
He is spiteful. He will say anything in a row. Has previously told me I’m crazy, I’m impossible to talk to (my job is in comms and I volunteer for an advice line so I know this can’t be true), I’ve driven him to suicidal thoughts, im fucked up by my parents marriage, I am not good at parenting. He takes this all back when we make up but it still stings. I’ve said some stuff to him to: I’ve told him that I don’t want another baby with him while he gets grumpy with dd/me and I’ve told him I think he can be abusive. And he throws these back at me all the time.
He’s entitled. He earns almost six figures at a company with ridiculous perks, starts at 10 and finishes at 6, can work from home whenever, and he’s always complaining about it. About how stressed he is doing school dropoff as it interrupts his preferred work schedule (when I offer to do it instead he takes this as an insult against his parenting skills). About how if he doesn’t get a promotion a year into a job he should leave. If I try and gently give him some perspective he accuses me of being unsupportive. I just feel like he’s so entitled he can’t see the wood for the trees.
I don’t want a baby with him. I don’t want to make any more commitments with him. It’s like my gut is screaming. Believe it or not I still feel love for him but I’m beginning to think the problem is NOT me. I have a fit bit that tracks heart rate and now whenever we have a tense conversation I can see my heart rate just shoot up. I agree with him that our communication is bad but for all the reasons above I don’t know how to make it better. He’s cast himself as the one who is a victim. I guess I want to be with a “man” and I jsut feel like I’ve got another child. He is in his thirties but his attitude is that of a teenager still at home. And the way he is contemptuous to his mum kind of predicts how he is becoming/will become to me.
Ughhhh.
It’s not good is it.