Marriage is failing don't know what to do :(

[Emjam143]

Hi everyone
This is my first post on here I really need some advise as I really don't know what to do, I'm so upset and I don't want to talk to my family as I don't want to cause them any more stress or worry.
I've always had an argumentative relationship with my dh, he has a horrible temper, can't stand people disagreeing with him, but over the years I feel like it's got worse. He seems to have a very dysfunctional view of people and situations, he's always been very negative, but at the same time he's very attentive, caring, sensitive and we've always had the same morals and goals in life.
He has been diagnosed with an under active thyroid but I don't see how he can use this as an excuse for his behaviour.
Like for instance I disagreed with him on a situation the other day, he went in a silent mood said I was shutting him down, I was just giving him my opinion which he didn't agree with, so thinks that it's ok to go in a mood with me not talking and just went upstairs to play on his phone, whilst I'm downstairs looking after dd getting her tea ready etc... leaving me feeling upset and alone, if I don't try to apologise or speak to him he'll just ignore me. I went upstairs and I'd had enough I told him just because I don't agree with you doesn't mean to say you stop being a parent and that you can just laze around expecting me to do everything whilst he acts like a child, I was told to f&£k off and called a bitch. I told him I wasn't standing for this any more and that I've had enough my child shouldn't have to hear him calling me names, yet I get the blame for 'shutting him down'? And the whole I have too much resentment towards him... wonder why? And how we don't have a sex life anymore... wonder why? There's no romance it's a struggle for him to make an effort christmas, birthdays etc... it's always a last minute dash to the supermarket using the excuse he didn't know what to get nor didn't have time, funny how I find the time to get everything done though and buy him a thoughtful gift, he even tried to make me feel like the worst parent alive Christmas Eve because dd accidentally followed me into another room and saw her main xmas present, I told him how sorry I was but he made a point of making me feel terrible and upset dragging out ignoring me being funny and offish with me. He then said well if I'd done that you'd feel the same! I didn't actually do anything dad just accidentally followed me I didn't know she was there!
Things came to ahead today when we were at his parents and he was having a disagreement with them over something then started shouting and getting nasty with them, he tried to get me to stick up for him but I was having none of it and told him that maybe if he didn't speak to people the way he does then maybe people would be more willing to hear him out. He went mad trying to act like the victim how it's my fault and then proceeded to try and turn his parents against me, his dad kind of stuck up for me we went home and I haven't spoken to him and don't particularly want to. I feel so alone at a loss at what to do, if i leave him but then I'll have to split my time with dd which I really don't feel comfortable doing as she's never been away from me before, I'm not trying to say she shouldn't have a relationship with him but his temper worries me and I think it would negatively affect her being away from me, I also think he would use her to control me and upset me further, so I don't know what to do for the best. He's so petty and argumentative but obviously I would have left years ago if these were his only qualities... please help xx

So sorry you are going through this at the moment. It sounds like your OH might be having some issues and taking it all out on you. When i went through a patch like this I actually wrote my OH a letter basically getting it all out and saying if there was no attempt to change i wasnt prepared to stay in the relationship. At the moment its not an example of a healthy relationship you want your dd to grow up with.

Thank you for replying to me, every time I try to tell him how I feel he turns it around into me and says I'm the problem and to stop counciling him, we have been through a lot of money worries, the house is stressing us out we tried to move and everything fell through, but I'm sick of always having to be the one that makes the first move, even though he's in the wrong for the way he shouts at me and others, he blames everyone but himself, I've told him before I'll get a divorce thinking that will wake him up but he just says go ahead and your not stopping me from seeing dd, doesn't matter about our marriage though, he said it's dead because we no longer have sex! As if that's the be all and end all to any kind of relationship, I'm to cut up to want sex with him :( xx

I just don't know what to do he's downstairs I'm upstairs still not talking, I can't bear one more day in this atmosphere with dad having to witness everything x

DD*

So sorry this is happening OP. I’ll be honest your DH sounds bloody awful

It sounds from what youVe said that you don’t like him or love him and your big concern is if you split and how he would be with DD But you are a long way from that atm. One thing at a time

If somone gave you a million pounds tonorrow would you up and go or would you stay with him?

Why do you put up with him
You must realise you are worth more
He sounds very angry
Perhaps anger management would help but I take it that he would just shut down and blame you if you mentioned it
He is not worth the effort

To be honest it's not about money really I just want to be happy and want my daughter to be happy, she's the only thing I care about more than anything, the house I'm living in is mine and was brought before I married him, but he's said in arguments he'd take me for half so then I'd struggle to find a nice house for half that money if he was to have half, we also share a small business together he makes out we wouldn't be able to make it work singlehandedly but tbh if it wasn't for my artwork we wouldn't have a business, I'm not saying that he hasn't helped but the business isn't something he could have set up on his own without my artwork so that's another problem. I just don't know what to do x

First all you need to get legal advice about where you stand with regards to assets etc you need to make decisions based on facts. He’s going to say that he’s entitled to xyz or that this will happen if you don’t do what he wants

You need to find out the real position

Yes it's hard trying to get to see a solicitor when I'm with dd all the time, I've read that it would be classed as a pre marriage asset, sometimes I just think he's with me for an easy life, no 9-5 no mortgage to pay he thinks he can just treat me how he wants, the only time his mood picks up is when he's going out to buy himself something that's the only time lately he's actually nice to be around :( x

He sounds utterly dreadful!! Come on OP this isn’t what you want your DD to see growing up - don’t let her think this is how marriage is. How old is DD btw?

She's nearly 3 :( she's my everything, my parents divorced around this age and I had the worst lonely childhood I'm scared history will repeat itself, I'm scared that I won't cope being hours, days, weeks away from her, I've never left her, not even to go out, I think I've got separation anxiety from her, I've just tried so hard to be a good mom to her, feel like I'm failing :( xx

He's even been jealous when my dd has favoured me over him, like if she's hurt herself she'll run to me, he hates it, he's even blamed me for that, I've never done anything to get in the way she's just always been with me, I've had to do everything from day one because he never takes the initiative, he's had such short patience with her at times as well, like if she accidentally brakes a toy or rips something etc... he gets so angry and stressed over it, it's like he won't just get her be a toddler! Then blames me for being to soft on her. Like for instance last week she had a puzzle for Christmas she was playing with and she was tearing a little piece of paper that was peaking off the front of it, he then snatched it off her she started screaming and threw her plate on the floor, he that shouted you naughty girl she was then crying for me and he pulled her chair away and said don't be nice to her when she's done that, I said well snatching something off her that she's playing with wasn't nice, you should have just explained to her! :( x

I will be very honest. Your marriage is absolute shit, and if you stay with this man, the damage it will do to your daughter will be irreversible. All she sees is an abusive, dysfunctional relationship, and she will grow up thinking this is normal and acceptable. Her father being horrible to her mother will be her normal. How awful for her.

Get him out or leave. I fail to see what other responsible choice you have.

But what do I do about her having to spend time alone with him? How do I protect her then? X

If she's 3 she should be eligible for some nursery hours.

She needs to have contact with other children and adults.

And please seek legal advice.

He’s sounds bloody awful but I loved reading about you snapping back at him. I think you know this is the end. I can totally empathise with not wanting to share your daughter but this is no environment to raise a child in. You say your childhood was lonely but that may have not had anything to do with the divorce. I was raised as an only child by a single mum until I was 10 and never felt lonely. I’m sure you can take your daughter to the solicitors; just bring colouring stuff /toys etc.

But what do I do about her having to spend time alone with him? How do I protect her then?

Please seem legal advice from a competent family solicitor and aim for supervised access only.

SEEK...

You can take DD to a solicitor OP - you need to get proper advice

You can’t bring her up in an atmosphere like this

But what do I do about her having to spend time alone with him?

I wouldn't be too surprised if he isn't too invested in being a constant in her life. He doesn't even bother interacting with her in his own home, ffs. Don't make excuses to stay, because all of this abuse is only going to get worse.

Yes what Aqua said. He’s threatening you with wanting 50% and all that but the reality is he doesn’t really, he won’t be faffed with the work of looking after a toddler On his own when he can’t even manage to interact properly at home with you around

I had to reply to you. Please please please start formulating a plan to leave this horrible self obsessed, blaming everyone but himself man. He is having such a negative impact on you and your DD. I wouldnt even think people would be surprised if you left him, it sounds like he is horrible to every one around him.
It will be hard at first but you and your DD sound close and will be a good wee team in life. I doubt very much he will want 50 50 access, he sounds far too lazy. So even if it's every other weekend it gives you a bit of time for you.
I hope you're ok, pls don't put up with his shit xx

Unless he is prepared to get help for his anger I would look to leave .Would he lose his rag with an eighteen stone boxer ?No - he can control his temper when dealing with someone bigger who would kick the crap out of him ,but he cannot control his anger with you or his father.He is a bully ,it’s up to you if you want to put up with it.

Thank you so much everyone for your replies, I'm trying to process everything it's very hard because he's my first love and I've been with him for two decades, it's just so hard when he can be perfect at times and then this, but at the times he's ok I can't seem to shake the resentment from the pain he's caused me. I've been keeping a diary for years now every incident, once he found out I was doing this he started doing the same! Trying to make out I'm the problem, a few years ago he dislocated my finger in an argument throwing a pillow at me, but he says he didn't mean to hurt me I never told anyone I just kept it inside, that's when I started making a log of things :( do you think he would have to do supervised access? X

He sounds like a vile excuse for a partner and father. Don't bring DD up in this atmosphere, with him thinking it is OK to snatch toys off her and scream at her. And he is so horrible to you with no excuse at all. You have shown you can stand up to him so see a solicitor and kick this lazy knob out of the house that you own. I know you are anxious about DD seeing him but that is way down the line and him being the lazy sod he is he might not relish too much child care. These lazy men usually take DC to their mum's on their contact days so they don't have to do any work. Good luck OP, you are strong enough to get this abusive cunt out of your life.