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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't know if I should end my relationship

26 replies

djtf84 · 04/02/2020 13:47

I had a messy break up 3.5 years ago, I was cheated on in a long term relationship and it completely devastated me. I met the perfect man 2.5 years ago, and we have just had our first child 4 months ago.
I don't want to sound pathetic, but I've always thought i have some sort of ptsd from that life event of being cheated on. I was so poorly after and have never been able to trust again. When me and my now partner met, I felt I could learn again. But I'm so paranoid all the time, I constantly plan on my head what to do if it happened again. I constantly think it's going to happen again (with no reasons for this)
I'm at the point now I'm considering having a conversation with my partner to tell him I just can't cope with the worry anymore and I'd rather just be on my own. I have organised some counselling but the wait list is 10 weeks.
I don't mention a lot to my partner about how I feel because I don't want to seem like I nag. I don't know what to do

OP posts:
anotherdisaster · 04/02/2020 13:55

Definitely talk to your partner about how you feel. Remember he hasn't done anything wrong here. You need help with these feelings and seeking counseling is definitely the first step. Don't make an rash decisions before talking to your dp and giving him the chance to support you through this.

litterbird · 04/02/2020 14:01

I suffered from PTSD after my partner left unexpectedly nearly 5 years ago. I became paranoid about men leaving me it was ruining everything. I went to see a therapist and after a lot of work I am through the other side in a stable relationship. What my therapist help me do was treat each man that shows an interest in me as an individual. I had to come to terms with the new man was NOT the one who left me. I was framing all my past into my future relationships. You are doing this now. If you can hang on until your therapy please explain to your partner that the past is having an affect on you. It is not him that is the problem but your poor brain is trying desperately to protect you but is not being effective for you right now. You are suffering from a form of PTSD as your monkey brain is trying to tell you he will leave you as it happened in the past. This is false thinking as you know but damned hard to find solace from it. Just speak to your partner and hang on.

CharlotteMD · 04/02/2020 14:05

You should have been honest and open with him before you had a child. Give him a chance to get the feck out of Dodge.

Original poster
djtf84 · 04/02/2020 14:51

@anotherdisaster you're right, he has done nothing wrong I know this is my head

OP posts:
Original poster
djtf84 · 04/02/2020 14:52

@litterbird thankyou, I will speak to him. I know he would reassure me, but the devil on my shoulder won't go away with the worries of what could happen

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TheBlueStocking · 04/02/2020 14:54

You should have been honest and open with him before you had a child. Give him a chance to get the feck out of Dodge.

Does your partner know you are this unpleasant?

Original poster
djtf84 · 04/02/2020 14:55

@CharlotteMD not really a nice way to put anything. We have spoke previously about insecurities from both last relationships, he's aware of mine as I am his

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Original poster
djtf84 · 04/02/2020 14:55

@CharlotteMD awful

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CinderEmma · 04/02/2020 14:58

I'm feeling the same way at the minute - similar situation to you. I almost posted a thread earlier asking if it was possible to get some form of PTSD from bad relationships.

I have spoken to my partner briefly about it. But it is something I'm struggling to shake off.

TobyHouseMan · 04/02/2020 15:00

I can completely understand why you're thinking this.

Hold on for the counselling. You will be in no better situation if you do decide to leave after the counselling than you will be in now.

Give yourself a chance to feel differently and see if you can talk with your partner.

Eckhart · 04/02/2020 15:01

I don't mention a lot to my partner about how I feel because I don't want to seem like I nag

Telling your partner about your feelings (especially ones that bother you within the relationship) is not nagging. You know he's not done anything wrong, so you wouldn't be criticising him. You don't have to make a big deal about it, it doesn't have to be a big emotional conversation. You can just tell him in plain language that your insecurity about being cheated on is upsetting you.

How would you feel if he was harbouring an insecurity so strong he might end the relationship, but didn't want to nag you by telling you? Wouldn't you wish he would just tell you?

Bluntness100 · 04/02/2020 15:05

I think you need to see your gp urgently op. These sound like intrusive thoughts that could be ocd, or they could be anxiety, or many other things. I'd not wait for the counselling but go and see a doctor and explain about your mental health and take it from there.

Original poster
djtf84 · 04/02/2020 16:26

Thankyou for all of your replies. I know it could possibly be seen as postnatal depression but I feel fine within myself, its just my relationship insecurities. I suppose I feel it's a case of me trying to run incase I'm hurt

OP posts:
Original poster
djtf84 · 04/02/2020 16:40

@Bluntness100 I've just googled that as I hadn't heard of it, thankyou

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Original poster
djtf84 · 04/02/2020 16:49

@CinderEmma
I'm so to hear that you're feeling this way too, it's a horrible head space to be in

OP posts:
DarklyDreamingDexter · 04/02/2020 17:02

Don’t throw a good thing with your current partner and father of your child because of something someone else did to you! Agree with others that possible PND could be compounding things. By all means speak to your partner and let him know you’re struggling, but don’t say you’d rather be on your own! Is that what you really want, or do you just want to stop these intrusive, negative thoughts? I agree you need to see GP now about your anxiety, don’t wait 10 weeks.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 04/02/2020 17:03

Throw away, not throw!

Original poster
djtf84 · 04/02/2020 19:13

@DarklyDreamingDexter absolutely not what I want, and you're right it's just the feelings I want to go. I just want to feel comfortable in my relationship again. He's supportive and I genuinely don't think deep down he would do anything but my thoughts about it sometimes consume me and I just think he's going to do the same

OP posts:
Original poster
djtf84 · 04/02/2020 19:21

@Eckhart yes you're right and I wouldn't think less of him if he did

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Interestedwoman · 04/02/2020 19:33

Hi, if you call a therapist you can usually get an appointment within about 2 weeks in my experience. IDK where you've got counselling lined up, but you could see a private therapist for a few sessions while you wait for the one you're on the list for. It can be affordable if you prioritize it, (I'm on a fixed income- disabled and I just made it #1 priority and didn't do much else lol- it was well worth it.) especially if it's short term.

The PP/PP's are right that meds might help too. Best wishes xxxx

Eckhart · 04/02/2020 19:48

You might even think more of him, for being brave enough to own up to his feelings and share them with you, calmly, rather than doing something like running away, which would surely be rash?

Original poster
djtf84 · 05/02/2020 07:10

@Interestedwoman thankyou, this is charity funded one I think, but I could do that in the meantime

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Original poster
djtf84 · 05/02/2020 07:11

@Eckhart you're right, my thoughts become very irrational around the situation once I've been thinking about it too long I think

OP posts:
category12 · 05/02/2020 07:53

I'd certainly get to your gp regarding potential pnd and prioritise getting some counselling quicker if you can.

Fullbookcase · 05/02/2020 08:56

Watch this TED talk OP, it’s exactly what you’re talking about; it is absolutely a form of PTSD, and counselling is definitely the way to go. Well done for recognising this, getting some help lined up, and reaching out for support. I would talk your current partner so that he can be part of the journey, whether you eventually end your current relationship or not. Good luck Flowers

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