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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I ever get over this ?

36 replies

Sange295 · 04/02/2020 13:38

I know, prob only me that will know for sure but here goes....

Me and DH have always had a good relationship. We’ve had some really difficult times ( our son has many health problems and we’ve spent a lot of time in hospital ) we’ve always worked as a team and i love him very much and have always felt loved.

Rewind 6 months ago and my anxiety came back quite badly. Having daily panic attacks. It followed a particularly hard and scary time with my son. My way if dealing with this is needing time alone. As well as going back on to medication and counselling.

Dh started to take this very personally and fair, I did go inwards and stopped wanting to be around him. I could tell he was getting upset by this but at the time I just felt like ‘ leave me alone, I can’t help feeling like this and it won’t be forever ‘ maybe I expected too much of him.

Anyway, long story short - he went away with work, met a girl and proceeded to text her for a week later until I found out. I initially kicked him out, I felt betrayed and although he swears nothing physically went on and they were only chatting about family life etc ( she has a kids and fiancé ) it made me feel like shit and as though the one time I needed some support thats what I get.

Christmas happened and it was brushed under the carpet for the kids. We went to relationship counselling and we seemed to be getting somewhere and she discharged us. We’re talking openly and honestly and he’s doing all the right things. He’s devastated and clearly sorry and it was a stupid mistake and feels awful.

I still can’t help but feel hurt, I look back at the timeline of when he was messaging her and me sending pics of the kids in their Xmas plays etc and I’m angry that at the same time he’s messaged her. I’m angry because he knows how hard we have it, how much I have invested into our family and sacrifices I’ve made and it’s like it’s still not good enough.

Am I overreacting? I’m starting to get bored of me going over it. I want more than anything to move on from this, forget about it. But I’m now obsessed with checking his phone and can’t seem to get past it. HOW DO I move on from this?

OP posts:
yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 04/02/2020 15:36

It sounds like the trust has gone so it's strange the counselor thought there was nothing else to work on. If you want to move on, stop checking his phone, work through your anger and see if you can ever trust him again. Unfortunately you now know what he is capable of and that's very painful, not an over reaction at all

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 04/02/2020 15:53

I guess you need to try and understand how he was feeling at that time. You say you needed his support...but he tried and you pushed him away. I imagine he was feeling rejected and unloved and she just gave him a little boost. What were the texts like, just general chit chat or sexy stuff? If general chit chat then yes I guess you are over reacting, but if they were intimate then it will take some getting over.

Original poster
Sange295 · 04/02/2020 16:23

I dunno tbh. They were on snapchat so didn’t see any apart from 2 ( as she hadn’t read them yet ) one was asking if she was ok, the other telling her he’d had enough of me because we’d had an argument.
He’s says she tried to kiss him on the night out and offered him sex but said none happened.
He admited his friend slept with her friend, back at their hotel in a different room but this girl never went back. He said all other texts were friendly not sexual. But I’ll never know

OP posts:
yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 04/02/2020 17:40

Ah your update changes everything. I personally think he slept with her and continued an emotional affair until you found out and now he is denying and minimising. This for me would be the end of the relationship as the trust is gone but only you know what you are willing to put up with. Good luck

kcw1986 · 04/02/2020 18:03

Is there anyway you could get a hold of his phone and message her on snapchat pretending to be him to make sure nothing physical happened.

If it was just texts I think you should forgive and maybe work on how you deal with anxiety as punching you partner away could bring trouble further on down the road.

Original poster
Sange295 · 04/02/2020 19:41

He deleted her off snap chat when I found out and I can’t remember her username 😩

OP posts:
kcw1986 · 04/02/2020 19:48

OP he may very well be telling the truth.
Have you kept checking his messages since?
Am guessing you’ve talked to his friend? Although I guess he’s back him up anyway.
Think this may come down to whether you trust him or not and be watchful in the future.

Original poster
Sange295 · 04/02/2020 19:54

However, I do have access to his Facebook messenger and know who she is. He did confirm when I found her

OP posts:
kcw1986 · 04/02/2020 19:58

Maybe use that then just be careful with it

Original poster
Sange295 · 04/02/2020 20:09

I might just be honest and be like - right lets message her - what do you think ? Or better to do it on the quiet? I feel bad cus we’ve been good and trying to sort things and I’m bringing things up again - but I feel like I can’t rest until I know

OP posts:
kcw1986 · 04/02/2020 20:12

If that’s was me I’d do it on the quiet but am sneaky lol
I think you should really have a think about it don’t make any rash decisions.

kcw1986 · 04/02/2020 20:17

OP did you get the feeling he wasn’t being completely honest when you first found out?

Is this girl a stranger or a colleague? Does he see her often?

mamato3lads · 04/02/2020 20:21

I dont think you're overreacting at all.

He betrayed you and you can bet your arse he's only told you the absolute minimum. It's pretty text book. Just talked. No physical contact. She "tried" to kiss him.

You cant get past it because it's a massive betrayal and you've never really got any solid answers. You have to take his (untrustworthy) word for it. It must be driving you mad Sad

You'll have to talk to him again. Its not a case of being "bored" going over and over it. You will go round in circles until you get some definite answers as to what went on. If you cant get those answers it is likely to eat away at you. That's the awful price of betrayal and its your husbands fault, not yours. X

kcw1986 · 04/02/2020 20:25

OP have you tried googling ways to find deleted Snapchat messages I do think it’s possible in certain cases

Cinders29 · 04/02/2020 20:29

Really ? I didn’t think you could find deleted snap chat messages?
The prob I have is , what if what he told me is actually the truth - I mean it’s totally out of character. So I risk investigating and making a tit out of myself x

kcw1986 · 04/02/2020 20:32

Name change?

There’s definitely a way to back up the messages from now on.
Finding old deleted is harder and you might not be able to google it.

Bigmango · 04/02/2020 20:39

Name change fail OP. And judging by your previous posts under that user name you should have already LTB. He won’t let you get a job or go out because he is insecure and paranoid, yet he is able to message girls on snap chat about the state of your relationship (and let’s be honest, all signs are pointing towards him shagging her)? It all sounds pretty toxic tbh.

kcw1986 · 04/02/2020 20:57

Just read some of your posts on that name and this guy really doesn’t sound like good news to me.

Original poster
Sange295 · 04/02/2020 21:10

Shit - schoolboy ! I got a new account because I didn’t want our past history to cloud the facts. I’m not saying they’re not facts but wanted to be black and white on what I’m struggling with and treat it as a separate issue. He’s actually dealt with a lot of his past issues very well and so feel unfair bringing them up

OP posts:
Janaih · 04/02/2020 21:19

I think theres a chance he could be telling the truth here. If you want to stay with him I would focus on the future and how you can prevent this happening again. The gory details of what did/didnt happen wont help you get there.

If you cant or don't want to let it go, give yourself a time limit and then plan your exit strategy.

mommymooo · 04/02/2020 21:24

Trust is like a mirror you can fix it if get broken.
But you will always see the cracks in their reflection.

My Nan always said that to me. And.

No man is worth crying over and the one that will never make you cry from pain and sadness.

Original poster
Sange295 · 04/02/2020 21:33

I just told him to delete his messenger and he did. I then messaged her from his messenger 🙈 feel awful doing this but feel as if I need to know

OP posts:
kcw1986 · 04/02/2020 21:35

Hope it’s good news

Janaih · 04/02/2020 21:43

Wait, he wont let you go out or get a job? Ffs leave him if that's the case.

kcw1986 · 04/02/2020 22:21

Tbh I find the controlling behaviour worse.
I could forgive the infidelity but would be packing my bags over that.

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