Can I ever get over this ?

[Sange295]

I know, prob only me that will know for sure but here goes....

Me and DH have always had a good relationship. We’ve had some really difficult times ( our son has many health problems and we’ve spent a lot of time in hospital ) we’ve always worked as a team and i love him very much and have always felt loved.

Rewind 6 months ago and my anxiety came back quite badly. Having daily panic attacks. It followed a particularly hard and scary time with my son. My way if dealing with this is needing time alone. As well as going back on to medication and counselling.

Dh started to take this very personally and fair, I did go inwards and stopped wanting to be around him. I could tell he was getting upset by this but at the time I just felt like ‘ leave me alone, I can’t help feeling like this and it won’t be forever ‘ maybe I expected too much of him.

Anyway, long story short - he went away with work, met a girl and proceeded to text her for a week later until I found out. I initially kicked him out, I felt betrayed and although he swears nothing physically went on and they were only chatting about family life etc ( she has a kids and fiancé ) it made me feel like shit and as though the one time I needed some support thats what I get.

Christmas happened and it was brushed under the carpet for the kids. We went to relationship counselling and we seemed to be getting somewhere and she discharged us. We’re talking openly and honestly and he’s doing all the right things. He’s devastated and clearly sorry and it was a stupid mistake and feels awful.

I still can’t help but feel hurt, I look back at the timeline of when he was messaging her and me sending pics of the kids in their Xmas plays etc and I’m angry that at the same time he’s messaged her. I’m angry because he knows how hard we have it, how much I have invested into our family and sacrifices I’ve made and it’s like it’s still not good enough.

Am I overreacting? I’m starting to get bored of me going over it. I want more than anything to move on from this, forget about it. But I’m now obsessed with checking his phone and can’t seem to get past it. HOW DO I move on from this?

But it is all part of the same thing. He sees you as a possession not as a partner. He can therefore keep you at home under his control whilst he is out chatting/shagging whoever he wants.

Have you read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft?

So turns out she’s basically a prostitute. Gets people to pay her via pay pal for pics / videos / sex. She basically confirmed they never had sex but he said he would meet and pay. They spoke sexually but he never paid her anything l. She did send him naked photos.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to get over this. I love him so much and I love our marriage and our life. But this is cheating right ? And I always said I wouldn’t forgive someone who cheated. So why am I considering letting it go?

Ok I would leave now.

I’m sorry OP X

You don't love him. You love who you want him to be. But he's not that person.
Leave. He's the one who failed at the relationship, not you.

I don't understand they would meet and pay but then he didn't pay?
Have you confronted him with what you know?

What you want to do to find out is message her off your husbands messenger pretending to be him and say something like promise me what we did at the hotel will stay between us as I don't want my wife finding out . That's how I found out about my ex she replied and said she won't say anything but not sure if the people who were at the party would keep quiet 😂 x

Omg op just read your update x

Hope ur holding up well today OP.

You are a fool if you believe all that shit. I expect you will stay with him though.

Namechanging to hide previous details of how controlling and abusive he is doesn't allow people to respond with all the facts available

You don't want informed advice, clearly.

OP, the past is very relevant. There is a continuum here.

Your threads indicate that your H has long been jealous, controlling and manipulative regarding where you go, whom you see, and what type job you get. Although your life is already restricted due to your caring for your child who has additional needs, H’s paranoia and coercion have exacerbated your anxiety and further narrowed your life.

After you gave him an ultimatum, H sought help and started to improve. However, in November you attended a gathering of friends and an ex from 10 years ago was there. When you told H, he became irrationally jealous and a crisis ensued, even though you did nothing wrong. Posters believed he even lied about what his counselor said about you. You were considering leaving, as you now believed he would never change.

In December H cheated with a sex worker, but lied and downplayed when you found messages.

It is a tragedy that after all the abuse he has heaped upon you, plus his cheating, you are looking for a way to stay. You are doing a great disservice to yourself and your two children. You are showing them a very toxic relationship model.

Sorry for the late reply - I've just been trying to get my head around things. I really do appreciate everyone's inputs.

Of course, there's so much more than I would ever have time to write down here and I'm just trying to weigh it all up and really take my time in making a decision.

It's the hardest decision I'll ever have to make. The facts are these. We love each other very much ( I know some will believe he doesn't love me, and I get that. I'd probably think the same. But after speaking those I'm closest to including my family and following my gut - I believe he does love me as do they, who know us both personally. I am always honest with my friends and family and they know all the ins and outs. I hide nothing )
We have two children - which yes, whilst I can see that if I was being abused is not a place I'd want them to be. But actually I am very strong and although admittedly have let things slide at times - I'm very much in control still. Our children are very happy and we both great parents to them ( not perfect but we do our very best ) together and separately.
I love our life ( without all of this ) in fact this time last year I was the happiest I've ever been and really content. It's just gone west.

On the flip side. He does have issues he needs to change - he has to as I won't put up with it forever. I believe he knows this though but whether he will is still to be seen. Be assured I will not let this carry on forever, but I want to give him a chance.
Additionally, he's hurt me in a way I never thought he was capable of. I'm not sure I can get over it.

At the moment I've said I need time to figure out what I want and whether or not I can get over this. I may not. I want to try though - I don't want to just quit when there's still a very small chance we can get through this. When there's no hope left I'll be gone but after discussions and more importantly actions and continuing to be open and honest with each other I still see a bit of hope.
Maybe I am a fool - I can deal with that for the time being if it means doing everything I ( and more importantly him ) possibly can to save my marriage.

I know that's the not reply everyone wanted to hear . I get it - I'd probably be just as frustrated reading my posts. When you're in a situation yourself though it's never that easy.

Thanks again though - each post has made me feel a little stronger and more determined to make sure that I stand up for myself and make sure my life changes for the better, with or without my husband.