My parents want to contact my sister's psychiatrist (coercive control) - I don't think they're allowed to - thoughts?

[HepburnKNotA]

V briefly, DSis married to man who shows all the hallmarks of coercively controlling her.

He has now arranged (found, booked etc) a psychiatrist for her as he says she is mentally unwell. (they are v wealthy/high status so he has just booked the 'best' and most expensive meantal health professional they can think of; it's entirely possible that a psychiatrist is inappropriate and a therapist/counsellor would be better but hey-ho)

There have been a couple of initial sessions but DSis seems more controlled than ever - she's just taken a big 'decision' to do something that her H wanted her to do that my parents are worried will isolate her more.

I think it's too early for psychaitrist to have begun to get to the bottom of a lot of the issues (eg the coercive control) - DSis is ostensibly seeing shrink because she's unhappy 'at work'.

My parents (understanably extremely worried but with a tendency towards over-involvement, albeit with best (sometimes misplaced) intentions...) are saying they want to contact psychiatrist to give him some info that they are certain DSis won't be revealing (about the way she is bullied/controlled)

I have told them I think psychiatrist will just disregard any email from them (am I right?) as unethical, even though they are not interested in correspondance ie they would never presume to ask psychiatrist for info (and I would hope to God reputable dr wouldn't give it to them).

Or might a shrink read something like this and then either disregard it or put it to use in sessions?

I've told my mum I think she needs to tell Dsis they WANT to write to psychiatrist (she will, I am certain, say no) as if they went behind her back she would feel, if she found out, incredibly betrayed.

I can see how desperate my parents are, there are children involved and the situation is toxic beyond belief, DSis's husband is now telling everyone DSis isn't well etc and I think anyone on the outside can see, without having to take sides, that the essential problem is her husband's treatment of her (and kids too).

But contacting psychiatrist behind her back is a bad plan, right? Has anyone ever done this? Would psychiatrist a) take note of the info b) ignore the info? If DSis was in agreement, would it make a difference? (she won't be, I can almost put my mortgage on it).

Please help if you can! Desperate situation all round, tbh :(

Thanks Lego; that’s I think the biggest concern from my parents’ POV

Very UN dramatic not i dramatic!!!

Hang on a minute. You’re saying that your sis believes everything her husband tells her but that they are violently arguing and throwing things. That doesn’t fit. She wouldn’t be disagreeing and arguing if she simply went along with him would she? Are you sure this isn’t you and your parents also wanting control of your sister? Are your parents controlling? It sounds like you’re in a tug of war over her. How do you know what goes on in her relationship? And why do you know so much? My sister knows nothing of any arguments between me and my husband.

and why are your parents being told about every minor confrontation? Me and my husband argue as do most married couples. I don’t tell my parents about it! They are far too over involved. Very weird. Maybe your sister should be going to self esteem and boundary setting therapy to learn how to tell all of you to back off out of her business!

@HepburnKNotA DD didn’t know at the time as she had cut me out of her life . I submitted the Scottish equivalent of Clare’s Law to the Police as I was sure this was not the first time he had been abusive. They disclosed scary information to her but it was still a while until she felt strong enough to break free.
I told her everything afterwards but it was a long time before our relationship was back on track however she is now very grateful.

Loopery, helpful thank you.

My parents only knew the details of this particular row because my sisters H called and told them.

Things are visibly dreadful; DSis has never so much as said a word about their relationship. She did leave him for a year but went back; in that time she only said she had to learn to control her temper and that he had done nothing wrong.

They do row, I don’t think coercive control precludes that??!!

What I see, what others see, is a pattern of H publically humiliating/belittling her plus eg controlling what she is allowed to eat for example.

She has in the past, it’s quite clear from when me and DH have sometimes gone out with them for dinner or something when they’re mid-row, quite obviously snapped. When she does this (Only on occasion, as based on what happened when he called my parents and another couple of incidents where I recall him muttering she is ‘insane’ he behaves as if he is innocent of all the control/belittling/humiliation and she is losing her temper because she is strsssd/mentally ill.

I’m not a professional but I don’t see that my DSis losing her temper is at odds with coercive control? She is staggeringly u see his thumb. Doesn’t mean the real her doesn’t resent his treatment of her underneath? And she will hear no wrong about him; it’s all ‘her moods/her temper’.

Also loopery, where did I say my parents are being told about every minor confrontation? HE called them a few weeks ago after one particularly huge confrontation.

It’s the first time either of them has reported aggro.

Normally we just all ‘see’ it because the atmosphere can be so horrendous and because of the things he says to her publically.

Also , he managed to persuade DD that she had 2 problems - work and me. His solution was to give up work and cut me out of her life .

Thank you Old. Yes he has persuaded her to give up work too. That’s ‘the’ problem

I am hoping your dsis does not have dc. He sounds like he would hold this apparent mh issue against her to get/keep the dc in a divorce..
I spoke to the mh team my ds was under after a breakdown - they listened and took notes. They did discuss certain points of his care but different situ to yours I appreciate..

I was very concerned about my dad last year, so I wrote a letter to my dad's GP highlighting my concerns and his symptoms. I asked the GP not to tell him I'd contacted her and I wasn't expecting any sort of feedback from her to me, but she did see him for a different reason and probed around a bit and ultimately he got referred for my concern reason and he's now treated and fixed.
My dad never knew I contacted her but she sorted it out professionally and took notice of my concerns.

Why, they have 2 children.

Therefore I would be very concerned op...
You need to stick to your dsis like glue op.
Your dps must be very distressed.

The thing is OP, your poor sister doesn't seem to get a say in anything does she, even when she is seeing a psychiatrist in a confidential space, your parents are wanting a word in that psychiatrists ear behind her back in hopes that it yields a result that they want. I feel terribly sorry for her.

If there is abuse going on in the home and DC are involved then social services should be contacted. Coercive control is against the law and arguments with violence are unacceptable. If you can prove he controls her, then report him

Re: your original query, if you all are desperate then there is nothing stopping you contacting the psychiatrist but they wont respond to you regarding your sister or anything she discusses. They will use their own judgement to enquire about the situation if they see fit (bring up home life etc), but if she doesn't see it as a problem and doesn't want to discuss that then it won't be discussed. She isn't under obligation, it is a paid for service to discuss and potentially diagnose any issues -she hasnt been sectioned.

Remain there for your sister and don't alienate her, sadly she is an adult and there isn't an awful lot you can do other than offer support, make clear she has a way out and people to talk to.

Are you sure she us throwing things or is he saying she is?

My ex said I attacked him because he ripped our son out of my arms he ripped off my fingernails which lightly scratched his arm he claims that was proof I was violent and aggressive still says it now he threw my daughte into a ladder and broke my nails but I'm his mind I was the bad one, I was glad when he was arrested

Contact Social Services, and the school. If nothing else, the children will be suffering from living in that atmosphere; not just that though, I'm sure they'll be aware of his behaviour towards their mum and that will harm them.

Contact the school. Even if it's a "top public school" they will have safeguarding policies and procedures. They may have noticed a change in the children's behaviour.

They can contact her doctor. The doctor can’t talk about your sister or even confirm that she is a o ppi at isn’t but can listen.

They can’t disclose that your parents have spoken to them. If she ever requested her medical records info about third parties would be redacted.

I wouldn’t contact social services but then I am of the opinion that they make things a million times worse. It would have to be pretty dire for their involvement to be a positive thing.

Psychotherapists know that people are rarely there for the reason they say they are there.

Thank you everyone.

It’s just a pretty wretched situation.

I wish my sister had never married him and wish she’d never had children with him; things have got much much worse since they had their kids.

Re the throwing things: I don’t know. I don’t know who threw things. I happened to have popped round the day after this epic bust-up (thd one after which he called my parents) and there was a broken wine glass on the floor. DSis said she had dropped it. Could have been true. But her whole demeanour (stressed, white, on verge of tears) and general state of place plus of course the fact H reported this terrible quarrel; I just can’t believe it wasn’t thrown. Her phone is currently broken too, shattered screen. Odd for her.

Who the hell knows?

I’m starting to doubt myself now; she’s a grown up and would probably just erupt at any interference. I don’t think my parents should make the contact; I think it’s too risky overall.

I will mull it over and try to think.

Thank you everyone.

If you find her in that sort of state again, can you just give her a really big hug? Just hold her. That's often all it takes for someone to start talking - and she needs to start talking very badly.

Don't dispair. You are a good sister. But stay out of it.
Let the psychotherapist get on with it. I remember when my mum asked what i discussed!! I was so annoyed. It is private. The psychiatrist will see things from your sister's pov.

I wasted 7 years with and abusive x and after i left i had just 8 sessions of psychotherapy. They set me on a really good journey. Looking at the impact of my parents' parenting on me, and other influences and mindsets. I know mners hate the word journey but ive grown in the last 10+ years from a peoplepleaser with a low self-esteem to a woman with good boundaries, strong sense of myself, and psychotherapy was the start. I went to psychotherapy because i couldnt cope. I didnt walk in the door and accurately label it all. "My mother was controlling and emotionally neglectful focused on appearances, my father was very passive". but she unravelled iy successfully anyway. She said things that made me angry at the time but she was right.

Have faith in the process and just encourage your sister to keep going.

Firstly, is this actually an actual, qualified psychiatrist or is it someone that your brother in law has told your sister is a qualified psych? Stranger things have happened.

Your parents have every right to contact the psychiatrist. As do you. He/she will listen to information passed on to them by your parents however they will not be able to pass any information back to them without your sisters consent. They may decide to explore the issues raised by your parents further with her, while not letting on to her that that's is what they are doing.

Always make sure your sister knows that the family will be waiting with open arms. Her abuser will want her completely isolated from family. You must ensure that she knows you will always be there for her.

It can be very helpful for a psychiatrist to get background information from the family of a patient. If your parents make it clear that you do not want your sister to know they said it the doctor will know which areas to probe to get your sister’s take on what they have described.

May I gently also say that you too seem to want to have control over the situation? Your parents are adults and this is their daughter. It’s odd to hear you talking about what you will or won’t “let” happen. I understand you are all worried about your sister but you each have a right to deal with it in the way that you think is best. It’s not any kind of confidentiality violation for your parents to contact the doc. You can respectfully give your parents your opinion about why you think it may or may not be a good idea but it’s not your place to decide for them.