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Original poster

Call it a day over sex issues....?

42 replies

User17735356 · 03/02/2020 10:16

DP and I have been together for 6 years and have two DC (3 and 18 months) as well as my older three DC (8, 12 & 15).

We have always had quite a stormy relationship. I find him quite hard work and emotionally abusive at times (he says the same about me) although we are going to couples counselling which is working well.

The crux of the problem is sex. He has a high sex drive. We had lots of it and it was very adventurous for the first 6 months. Then the children came along and things slowed down.

We have sex on average twice a week, usually missionary or me on top. He either moans it’s now often enough, doesn’t count as was a quickie or just not adventurous enough.

It’s a constant issue, he gets pretty moody and down about it as says he doesn’t think I’m attracted to him anymore (which isn’t the case).

I’m getting to the end of my tether about it now, I feel he expects far too much and it makes me feel pressured and gives me anxiety. It feels like he’s never satisfied and it’s never good enough.

He harks back to the first six months, almost as though I’ve tricked him somehow. He says he feels unloved and unattractive even though we have it twice a week!

Should I just call it a day? I don’t want to live like this.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 03/02/2020 10:18

I would. Life is too short to be miserable.

Interestedwoman · 03/02/2020 10:30

Yep, call it a day. Moaning and sulks are sexual pressure- coercion, and very unpleasant to deal with all the time.

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/02/2020 10:39

Yes, you’re incompatible. I wouldn’t stay with either a partner who complained that sex was too boring or one who only wanted sex once or twice a week - either would drive me insane. There are some things you can’t sort with counselling and entirely different approaches to sex really is one of them.

Original poster
User17735356 · 03/02/2020 10:54

It’s just weighing up whether life would be more stressful and miserable dealing with five DC alone for a lot of the time!

OP posts:
TobyHouseMan · 03/02/2020 10:59

No, not yet anyway; you have 2 kids and calling it a day will mean they are brought up in a broken family. You should make every effort to resolve the situation before you split your family up.

Certainly talking to a processional might help. Maybe sitting him down and explaining that twice a week is all he can ever expect. Explain that you're feeling pressured, your not a piece of meat to satisfy his cravings and if he continues you'll leave him. Be straight and to the point. Leave him completely clear that his behaviour is causing you to question your whole relationship and if he doesn't start to be more mature and considerate you're off. He needs to know his behaviour will have serious consequences.

If he feels like he needs a release and you're not up for it he should take matters into his own hands.

SallyWD · 03/02/2020 11:00

Blimey you've got 5 kids including 2 toddlers. You must be exhausted! Many couples in your situation have sex infrequently because they're knackered. I think me and DH do it about 3 times a month which is fine for us. Your DH is being very unreasonable.

mamato3lads · 03/02/2020 11:56

I dont think you should leave, no. Not if everything else is ok and the kids are happy.

I have the opposite problem, just to give you some perspective. Been with DH 18 years and I want sex more than ever these days but he is just not up for it as much these days. It frustrates me, makes me feel unattractive and undesirable and I used to give him such aggro about it. I dont anymore. Hes tired, he works long hours, hes nearly 40 and he just doesnt want it every night. I've had to accept that because in every other way hes great. Your husband needs to do the same....give you a break and accept that right now, you're busy and bloody knackered but assure him you still want him, still fancy him, etc. My DH does that for me and it helps ease the worries and frustration that lack of sex can bring. Its important for intimacy and closeness though so a couple of times a week is what we've settled at. Might be lazy sex or whatever but as long as were close.

Flick9670 · 03/02/2020 11:57

Wow twice a week, my OH complains at twice a month lol! When you have kids you are exhausted, I know I am, am not sure it is as simple as breaking up over it when you have kids, trying to work out a solution rather than jump ship! Tell him to do more DIY if he wants more lol!

Interestedwoman · 03/02/2020 12:05

Bloody hell, anyone who nagged for it more than twice a week in your circumstances is inhuman IMO.

'I dont think you should leave, no. Not if everything else is ok and the kids are happy.'

How the sex is coerced out of the OP, with moaning sulking, demanding, a sense of entitlement, is manipulative sexual coercion, it counts as coercive control. It is absolutely horrible to endure, no-one should have to.

It's one of the worst things a woman can experience. Being nagged for sex you don't want is rapey and horrible.

Marshmello · 03/02/2020 12:07

You're not sexually compatible. And sex is v important, certainly to him. I would have sex every day with my partner of 13 years and be happy. Twice a week feels like we aren't having sex any more. But that's my genes.

I feel sorry for both of you. :(

Maybe the answer is the counselling and is it possible to give you more time to relax - more support? So you might feel more like giving more time to that bond between you two?

Nobody's being unreasonable, IMO. You have to work this out if it's not fair on either of you together. But 5 kids is a big family to split up 😥😥

If you actually do love him and fancy him then I'd work on a compromise on the sex. And tell him to watch porn fir an hour a day. 😄

Marshmello · 03/02/2020 12:26

Weighing up the stress and heartbreak of breaking up the family - and being alone with 5 children - my choice would be to rearrange things so I felt like having a bit more sex with my DH who I also find attractive.

But that's just me. In the end I think you need to ask yourself: what did you get married for? To be with him? Or he on your own? Because imo his desire for you isn't a deal breaking act of vandalism to the marriage.

Interestedwoman · 03/02/2020 12:38

'Nobody's being unreasonable, IMO. '

Yes, he is, because he's nagging (sexual coercion) and sulking (more coercion.) This is not ok. No-one should feel pressurized which makes them stressed out in their own home. Sex you don't want but are coerced into having is awful.

Sunshineand · 03/02/2020 12:51

You've got five kids and people on this thread are telling you to call it a day from the comfort of their keyboards. Ridiculous.

I agree with PP who say you and your partner need to make every effort to attempt to sort this out before deciding if breaking up is the answer.

mnthrowaway202020 · 03/02/2020 13:26

Surely this is something to discuss during counselling

Interestedwoman · 03/02/2020 14:25

@Sunshineand sexual coercion is awful and no-one should have to put up with it. These type of guys rarely change. Some people don't understand, as they've not experienced it to the same extent for as long.

Lozzerbmc · 03/02/2020 14:40

I think twice a week amazing with 5DCs!
What does he do to help out with DCs?
What do you mean by abusive behaviour - you mean if he doesnt get what he wants?

Marshmello · 03/02/2020 15:29

Coercion is a strong word.

Sexual coercion is !suck my dick or I'll make your (and your kids') life hell'.

Or
'If you don't have sex with me I won't give you access to money/won't let you have the car keys/will make you feel unsafe'.

Or
'If you don't show me the physical affection I need I'll harm myself/be ill/not pick the kids up/etc.'

Or whatever.

But it's not really
'I don't feel attractive to you because you don't seem to need SE with me in the way you once did'.
the 'and it's getting me down' is a bit of pressure, but I guess he's just being honest. He's not saying it to make you have sex - he needs reassurance I guess.

This is not abuse.
This is not sexual coercion. (You said you find him attractive)
This is a counselling issue.

TheWorldAsh · 03/02/2020 15:41

Ugh. Pestering and pressurising isn't sexy at all. All he is doing is making things worse

I'm the one with the high sex drive, my DW is going through the menopause and so that has made her second drive drop quite a bit.

However via understanding, communication, and no pressure from me we manage to have great sex still. I could do it loads more times a month but I'm not putting up with her doing what she doesn't want to do. Quality is better than quantity.

I swear some men would willing to have sex with a woman who wasn't interested and that says a lot...

However sex is an important part of a relationship, so there's that. Only you can decide if you want to break up. But from your side of the story it doesn't sound like he listens or is worth putting up with. Thanks

Marshmello · 04/02/2020 01:29

World you do realise we are now all going to be fantasising about you ☺️

Ok ok joking joking! But seriously - yes World - seems to have the perfect attitude and understanding. Not everyone is like that, though, and it's a question of how far from that standard you can allow your DH to be.

NameChangeNugget · 04/02/2020 01:39

I think you are right to split. I’m sure there are sexually compatible people for you both out there

TheWorldAsh · 04/02/2020 10:27

@Marshmello I'm not going to say it's easy and sexual frustration can be horrible.

However it's a vicious cycle and can only be stopped by first stepping out the cycle and secondly both parties reaching an agreed compromise (and then sticking to that and talking about their feelings in a neutral environment. Don't discuss sex when you're both in the bedroom and frustrated!)

However there is always a red line and that's different for all relationships. If the sexual appetites of both parties drift too far then the only option may be to call it a day.

Fantasise away but I'm already married to the best woman in the world. Smile

Quartz2208 · 04/02/2020 10:35

OP its not about whether we would do, if it is or isn't sexual coercion but is summed up in this

I don’t want to live like this.

and that is ok you dont have to. its ok to break up a stormy relationship, its ok to admit that couples counselling isnt working. Staying just because you are unsure how stressful leaving would be isnt a good enough reason to stay.

It sounds like you have checked out of this relationship completely now and no amount of professional help is going to bring it back. And going through the motions of sex twice a week is only going to add to it

RantyAnty · 04/02/2020 10:43

How much does he take care of the 5 kids? How is he abusive?

Have him go to the GP and get something to lower his drive.

Parkies1 · 04/02/2020 10:49

Goodness me - people seem to 'call it a day' over anything these days. I've been married for 24 years and we have two grown up sons. I came from a broken home as it was called back in the day, and spent most of my childhood in childrens' homes being beaten and abused. I know what having no family is like and I'm so grateful for a marriage which has lasted 24 years, and for the fact that my sons have never had to experience the awfulness of parents who can't be bothered to work through problems.

user14928465 · 04/02/2020 10:55

There's abuse in your relationship by your own words therefore your children are already living in a broken home.

Some people on here clearly don't understand what coercion is, but what's new.