Call it a day over sex issues....?

[User17735356]

DP and I have been together for 6 years and have two DC (3 and 18 months) as well as my older three DC (8, 12 & 15).

We have always had quite a stormy relationship. I find him quite hard work and emotionally abusive at times (he says the same about me) although we are going to couples counselling which is working well.

The crux of the problem is sex. He has a high sex drive. We had lots of it and it was very adventurous for the first 6 months. Then the children came along and things slowed down.

We have sex on average twice a week, usually missionary or me on top. He either moans it’s now often enough, doesn’t count as was a quickie or just not adventurous enough.

It’s a constant issue, he gets pretty moody and down about it as says he doesn’t think I’m attracted to him anymore (which isn’t the case).

I’m getting to the end of my tether about it now, I feel he expects far too much and it makes me feel pressured and gives me anxiety. It feels like he’s never satisfied and it’s never good enough.

He harks back to the first six months, almost as though I’ve tricked him somehow. He says he feels unloved and unattractive even though we have it twice a week!

Should I just call it a day? I don’t want to live like this.

That's a good point, well picked up. It's not an otherwise normal relationship where the guy is a bit more horny than his partner. It's a 'stormy' relationship where the OP feels emotionally abused, and her abusive partner is also sexually coercive, as abusive men often are. satedatest.wordpress.com/2017/11/28/the-sexual-controller/

@User17735356 Could you describe the emotional abuse in a little more detail? It's very common for an emotionally abusive partner to claim, as yout partner does, that the victim is emotionally abusive.

user149 I don't think disrespecting other people's understanding (in some cases presumably based on experience) of sexual coercion is of much help to the OP. She asked for perspective. A reasonable number of people here think that being made to feel mean for not having enough (pleasurable sex - OP said she does find him attractive) with your partner is grounds more for work/counselling than summary dismissal.

The not-fully-explained abuse is another matter, and yes, combining the two problems could well be grounds for calling it a day. Or just the abuse on its own.

But not the sex alone, in my opinion.

World yes, as I thought - perfect answer, perfect husband 🙂 (and seemingly the holy grail of most of Mumsnet, whether currently married or not! ☺️)

Sexual closeness is not, of course, just about the sex. Your DH doesn't have to actually be inside you for you to feel as if he is. In a lasting bond, you feel him there all the time anyhow. It's about the whole connection - the body and soul/mind/whatever - the sexual imagination and ego. Your world with him. Is that still there? Do you still feel and want to be in that 1-to-1 with him? If you do, work on it. If you don't, go.

Having a high sex drive is fine but you do need to be realistic and I don’t think you can expect the Mother of your two toddlers who has five children in total to just drop her knickers every night, you must be absolutely exhausted. It’s not even the fact he expects so much sex, he’s complaining about the sex you do give him too... It’s not really acceptable is it?

Tell him to look after the two youngest all week and I’ll see how much naughtiness is left in him.

So you had 3 children , then met him and after 6 months got pregnant

Do you ever really know him ?

I'm very sorry that you are going through this. Life is honestly though too, too short to have sex with anyone who then moans that it is not exciting enough. Especially to the mother of his children.

Who wants to live like that, with a partner who takes out his frustrations on you?

This sort of thing honestly sometimes makes me think never again when it comes to men.

Yikes...twice a week would be amazing, if we manage twice a month we feel like we're doing well! Also parent to two small DC. I'd hate to be pressured, I understand different sex drives but libido goes up and down in a long term relationship and the early years of parenting young DC definitely seems to be a down for most! I'm just so incredibly tired all the time, as is my DH, we make an effort where we can but also understand that this will pass and things will improve (although not denying we have argued over it at times!)

If you are feeling pressured or ignored because if this, that is not good. Twice a week is plenty, can he not sort himself out if he's so desperate the rest of the time? I'd have a serious word, perhaps explaining nicely but firmly that this kind of behaviour is going to result in you feeling less likely to have sex at all with him...

We all have different sex drives, but at the end of the day it's about respecting your partner's feelings and not assuming sex with them whenever you feel like it is your god given right.

Are people reading a different thread?

The bloke is claiming the sex doesn’t count as it’s a ‘quickie’ or not adventurous.

He does sound abusive. And what are you meant to do with your five dc whilst you have these adventurous long drawn out sex sessions every day?

OP, it sounds like you are ground down, and sex is just another demand on you, another chore to complete before you can relax.

You have enough demands on your time and energy without this manchild being sulky and petulant when he doesn't get what he wants.

I bet you do the lion's share of the wifework too, don't you? Childcare, mental load, ironing, cleaning etc.

He needs a wake up call. I would talk about it in counselling on a deal breaker basis, because his treatment of you as just like an object to service his pleasure is disgusting. Does he even ensure you get something out of it? Or do you just hope it's over quick so you can get some much needed sleep?

If he wants more sex he needs to make sure you enjoy it, and help out with the kids so you are not too tired to do so. But from what you say I doubt he can change, you deserve better. Men who make unreasonable sexual demands are often insecure and need constant reaffirmation of their masculinity and he sounds like one of them. His coercive behaviour and constant criticism of you are red flags and I doubt there is a future in this relationship, counselling or not.

OP, you don't have 'sex issues' you have a partner issue
read your original post
what would you say if your best friend told you that?

Wish I'd left mine the minute this started instead of 20 years later.
The endless pressure weas relentless and I got soooooo sick of heating how many times we did it the first weekend we met.
It killed every last feeling I had for him. Nothing was every enough.

Hi @User17735356 , how are things? How're you feeling? xxx

Most of the replies to this thread saying throw away your livelihood and bring your young kids up without a father are exactly why this forum is a dangerous place.

LTB!

No don’t - work to resolve the issues you’ve highlighted.

No don’t call it a day.
In a relationship you go through all sorts of ups and downs. He sounds like he’s actually just feeling a bit anxious about his own body and really needing reassurance.
Maybe you could do with some time together as just a couple?

He sounds really hard work, selfish and immature. He needs a reality check