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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Interracial relationships

37 replies

MissApple786 · 02/02/2020 12:59

Hello everyone,

So myself and partner are in an interracial relationship I am white and he is black. At first there were never any issues and he swept me off my feet. Made me feel amazing and so beautiful in every single way. However for the past 6 months he has become obsessed with talking about racism and black history. Let me make this clear I do not in any way condone the wrong doings that white people have done to black people. My partner knows this and I have never disrespected him or his race and infact are very understanding and respectful and have no problem in discussing his history but as I am a white women I feel like he finds ways to put me down.

He says things like ‘Your race dont understand or care and your race don’t have the body type I like and every man knows that black women have the thickest and curviest body types or white women shouldn’t date black men as they don’t respect their culture or history and only date them for their physical appearance’.

I cannot help but feel like these views do not match the views of a man who is with a white woman because quite frankly why are you dating a white women with these internal thoughts or views? We were trying for a baby for a long time and he always compared my fertility to those of other races saying they must be so fertile and don’t have these problems getting pregnant, this really hurt me as it was destroying me that we couldn’t conceive.

Gradually I am feeling less and less loved and have become hating myself although I know I haven’t done anything wrong.

Has anyone else experienced this or could just give me their honest advice on how to handle this situation?

Thank you in advance

OP posts:

PrimeYesterday · 02/02/2020 13:02

As he’s with you longer he’s relaxing and revealing his true self and thoughts. You need to consider if this is something you can cope with long term and whether the damage to your mental health and well-being is worth it if you do stay.
Personally it sounds like you two are incompatible.

75Renarde · 02/02/2020 13:02

You know, everyone has the potential to he a cunt. It's not delineated by race.

I'm more struck by your 'swept of feet' comment tbh. How long have you been together and when did the comments start?

AutumnRose1 · 02/02/2020 13:07

he sounds like a horrible person full stop.

run away!!

UtterlyPerfectCartoonGiraffe · 02/02/2020 13:07

I’m in an interracial relationship and your oh sounds like a dick. The comments about body type? Out of order. The comments about fertility? Seriously out of order.
I’m not sure that it’s related to him being black, he just sounds like either a dick with no filter, or like he’s deliberately trying to hurt you. And if he’s not as thick as two short planks, he knows those comments would hurt you. And yet he said them.

I don’t think this is a race problem, I think this is him being an unsuitable partner based on his shit personality.

Do you feel like you can leave? Because if this is what he’s like at the start of the relationship, it is never going to get better.

QueenOfOversharing · 02/02/2020 13:20

He's an utter prick. Turn it around - if you made disparaging remarks about his (or any other) race would that be ok? Would anyone defend it?

I agree with PPs - it's not related to his race, it's 100% that he's a cunt.

My son is mixed race & I have had other interracial relationships - I have never heard this from a DP.

Imagine if you did have a child with him - would you want them to hear this disgusting shit? How would he talk about your child?

It's not remotely ok - please do not excuse this heinous behaviour.

12345kbm · 02/02/2020 13:33

Just get out OP. He's disrespectful and rude. He doesn't like you. Just get out.

PicsInRed · 02/02/2020 13:41

It's just a slightly different strategy used by a stock standard emotionally abusive man.

Sweetheart, he needs to go before he takes your self esteem and sanity and destroys them.

Dump him he'll say you're racist, ignore him, and block.

Eesha · 02/02/2020 13:43

I have only been in interracial relationships and never had this sort of thing. He seems to have gone hard core so really should be with a black woman who he feels understands him more (I say this ironically!). I would beware having a child because you might now have very opposing views of how to bring your kids up as he doesn't appear to respect your background. Regardless of race, he is an idiot.

catpoooffender · 02/02/2020 13:48

This has nothing to do with it being an interracial relationship and everything to do with it being an abusive relationship. Even if you feel that term is a bit extreme for the way he treats you, he still doesn't treat you with love or respect. Time to call it quits I think.

Pinkbonbon · 02/02/2020 13:51

Not a race issue, an abusive partner issue. Starting.

'Your race don't have the body type I like' could just ad easily be 'I like curvy girls, you aren't curvy' or 'my ex had a nicer body than you. It's just a way of putting you down in comparison to others and making you feel 'not good enough'. Any relationship where that occurs is toxic. He will get worse. Leave, fast.

AuntieStella · 02/02/2020 13:53

Take race out of it:

a) his conversation is dominated by a single issue and whilst younagree it's important and that he has the expertise, the extent of it and the apparent obsession with it, are now leaving you cold. And it's presumably crowding out other enjoyable topics.

b) he does not find your body att active, but suspects yiubare only with him for his

c) he has stated his disapproval of facets of your relationship nship (ones which cannot be changed)

d) he is coming close to blaming you for fertility issues, based on stereotypes, not medical investigations.

e) you don't feel loved.

Is that really the sort of relationship you want going forward?

Or wouid you prefer someone who appreciates the times you talk about his key interests and gives proper attention to yours as well, thinks you're fantastically attractive and hopes you fancy him as much, feels lucky to be in a relatively nship with you, is supportive about fertility issues (which can be a real biggie) such that you cannot imagine him ever blaming you regardless of what investigations showed), and leaves you feeling good every day and glad he's in your life?

Anothernick · 02/02/2020 13:58

What he is saying to you is obviously racist, hurtful and abusive. This relationship is over.

Elieza · 02/02/2020 13:59

He doesn’t seem to respect your race OP. Even the ones of it who aren’t racist or sexist or whatever. I’m not saying he shouldn’t hate what happened in history, I hate it too, but we have the chance to be better people now and make things better together for the generations to come. Being angry and bitter won’t change the past and won’t improve the future.

So why does he want to be with you then. A woman of the race his disrespects? Only thing I can come up with is that he feels empowered by having you in his power and can verbally abuse you whenever he feels like it. Like he’s getting revenge for the atrocities of the past.

I think his abusive words will turn to abusive actions. He could potentially be dangerous.

I would leave him OP as this relationship isn’t working. I dont see how you can have a future together. For pities sake don’t have children with this man. They will be half white and he seems to not like white people.

SandyY2K · 02/02/2020 18:35

Why are you still with a man who talks to you like this.

He's an idiot...him being black doesn't excuse his nonsensical comments.

If he wants a black woman show him the door.

I'm black...if a white BF told me white women were better in any way, I'd tell him to get lost and block him every which way.

The fact that you put up with this, is quite telling...this wouldn't fly with
most woman. He sees something in you and knows he can keep pushing it.

Get rid of the fool.

user14928465 · 02/02/2020 18:40

He's just another abuser and he's using "race" as his preferred weapon of choice.

Why have you continued a relationship with someone you recognise treats you with cruelty? Do you think it's normal to hurt the people you love?

The sweeping you off your feet was probably your first warning sign he is an abuser.

The only thing that will improve your life is ending the relationship.

Apileofballyhoo · 02/02/2020 18:50

He's abusive. It's got nothing to do with race. It's like saying I only fancy tall women to someone who is short. He's just saying it to hurt you and put you down.

SunbeamsOverhead · 02/02/2020 18:57

He sounds like a massive twat.

ABlackRussian · 02/02/2020 20:17

‘Your race dont understand or care and your race don’t have the body type I like and every man knows that black women have the thickest and curviest body types or white women shouldn’t date black men as they don’t respect their culture or history and only date them for their physical appearance’.

But he started dating you, despite thinking this?

The problem with this scenario is that you cannot change colour (and why should you) so he will always use this as a way to verbally abuse you.

He is insecure and full of hatred. I really do not think that there is any way back from this. You shouldn't have to feel bad for being you, FFS. Please respect yourself.

Please fuck him right off, he's on some sort of perverted power trip.

MaeveDidIt · 02/02/2020 20:35

He actually resents you.
He sees himself as a victim and he will blame you because you are white.
Let him go off with someone of the same race with the body type he likes, because he wants to verbally punish and absue you and that comes from deep within him.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 02/02/2020 21:29

I think race is almost a red herring here. Any partner that openly says he likes a different body type to yours is someone who is trying to make you feel bad. Any partner who compares your fertility to anyone elses is trying to make you feel bad. I don't know if he doesn't like you because he genuinely feels like you can't understand the struggles that him and others of his race have faced- in which case why is he with you? Or if he acts like he doesn't like you because he is just a nasty twat, in which case why are you with him?

LouReidDododo · 02/02/2020 21:32

He is just a proper dick head and will always find way to pull who ever he is with down.

Thank god you never got pregnant!!

Sunshineand · 02/02/2020 21:38

I'm black...if a white BF told me white women were better in any way, I'd tell him to get lost and block him every which way.

This!

BackforGood · 02/02/2020 22:27

As others have said, this is nothing to do with race and everything to do with your partner being an idiot.

DO NOT keep trying for a baby with someone who speaks to you this way and treats you like this.

How long have you been together OP ?
Partners should be just that - equal and respectful to one another.

HighNetGirth · 02/02/2020 22:32

It’s not true, he’s just using this stuff to be controlling and make you feel terrible. Run for the hills.

katy1213 · 02/02/2020 22:40

Really bad idea to have a baby with a man like this.

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