To feel my mum should know Me abit better

[Curiouschlo]

My mum raised me. Although she lacked and still lacks the ability to show love. Anything like affection or warm words would have her reaching for a sick bucket. She's honestly never told me she loves me in my whole life or given me a hug.

Going into adult hood I wasn't confident in an outgoing getting dressed up kind of way. I had the odd night out with friends but mostly I had one on one friendships and would choose meals out with a friend or the cinema. When I got my house in my early 20s I had friends around for a cuppa and a takeaway or even to just have a laugh and a bottle of wine. I always worked until I had my kids. I did retail, pharmacy and care work. Love helping people. Always been interested in working in a hospital setting and that's something I hope I can do when the kids are older. (Id need to travel for this)

Overall I don't think I'm shy! My mother sits home all week. She's never taught her kids how to be outgoing or do the normal things other families do. I know it's not essential but there isnt alot I can remember mum doing with us. She never took us to the park or cinema. Certainly never had meals out. Only on one occasion I remember her taking us for a macdonalds. My dad worked hard. They both never had a desire to go on holiday. They still say as adults it never appealed to them. So unless we went to the coast for a day an hour away or a local farm we didn't go out anywhere else. Other than garden centers.

I was definitely clueless as a teenager. Ok remember all the things my friends or colleagues were natural at. I was clueless. I declined all work meals for 5 years until my friends eñcoruaged me to do it. I was terrified of eating out at that point. Id never been taken anywhere like a pub for lunch before. I started doing it more and more.

I had my children in the last 5 years. I always felt i would be a good mum. If nothing else I felt I was good with people. I had worked in people's homes. I had advised people on health issues. I had been given certificates for my people skills through one company. I realised that I liked other people. Other people were easy to be around. Other people spoke to me without taking the pee. Other people told me i was kind. I'll always remember the warmth of the 7 elderly people I cared for before starting my family. They were the people who taught me I wasnt just a shy girl with no confidence.

My mum has always said things to me as an adult that I don't understand. I am the one that loves kids and babies. I'm the one who has a small circle of friends and has always tried to be nice. My child started school in September. I've got to know a few of the mums. We walk together. We've met up with the kids once in half term. There is plenty of messaging between us. I happily stand at the gates chatting to people. I always smile and I certainly feel confident about doing all this. This is why it really annoys me that my mum often brings up o don't like people. I dont like mixing. I am not confident etc. I hate that she sees me this way.

Her reasons behind this (I think) are I was nervous as a kid about things. I didn't like paying for stuff in a shop. I worried about going up the front in assembly for an award. In secondary school I still didn't like these things. But I have always had friends!!! Always! I spent alot of time with my friends families as a kid. Looking back it's because they gave me a hug. They took me for a picnic. They treated me to a trip to the park or let us camp in their garden. For similar reasons I stuck with my secondary school friends family too. Her mum was so kind and warm. She made us bacon sandwiches on a Saturday morning and she would be so nice to me. I think I felt happier when I wasn't at home but at the time I didn't know why.

I went through an abortion at 18. It was a horrible time. I only went through it because my parents made it all about them. I had been working 2 years at this point and would of paid my own way but they were so angry at me. They punished me for 5 weeks. They wouldnt talk to me. My blood pressure went really low and I couldnt get out of bed. I was being sick. I couldn't eat. I think I was feeling extremely low. I remember lying in bed crying. Wishing someone cared. Wishing someone one bring me a drink. When I thought it was never going to get better I booked an abortion. My mum didn't even stop hoovering. A few days before my dad was drunk and told me I could keep the baby and he would help me. I felt numb by that point. I just ignored his words and went to bed. Then on the morning if the abortion my parents didn't even get out of bed. I came back that night and no questions were asked. I put on a brave face and went up to bed. Years later my mum had the nerve to say you came home and watched Emmerdale like nothing had happened. I was absolutely in shock. How could she not realise I had had no support from them and learned I wasn't going to get any. If I had gone back in crying she wouldn't of hugged me. She would of told me to stop being so silly and I had made my choice.

I was talking to her the other day and said on passing conversation my friend was taking kalms as she was feeling intimidated at the gates. I had a chat with my friend and reassured her that she fits in fine at the gates. They are actually a nice bunch in the reception playground and i dont think there's any drama to be had. My mum's response. Well she's being silly. I said I know but she obviously can't help how she feels. Mum said well you are not exactly confident with people. You do t always like talking to people. I laughed and said mum I speak to alot of people with no problems. Speaking to people doesn't bother me at all. (it really doesnt)

Since then I have been stewing on the past. It's like I don't trust her. Does she truly believe this is who I am. Or is she bullying me because she doesn't like who I am? She is much kinder towards my sister and would happily tell me she's better with children and she's not a wimp like me. But my sister has not had any friends through motherhood. From being 18 to now (she's 32) not once has she ever had the company of a friend. Not once! She has zero people that she meets up with. She's never had a female friend. She's never anyone at school to meet up with. She's never been out for a meal or anything with a friend. I have always had 2-3 friends. I see my friends on the school runs. We meet up in the holidays too.

Sorry this is long. But it makes me feel like a stupid child knowing she is still looking at me in the wrong light. I am not who she thinks I am 😟

She sounds really horrible and it seems she's projecting to try and bring you down because of her own issues.
My Mum's horrible as well.
My Mum did a lot of the put downs you've mentioned.
I've not spoken to her in 5 years now and feel SO much happier. I went through 6 months of 'grief' but now I'm out the other side I feel great.
Please consider this, she doesnt add anything to your life and it sounds like she just has a negative impact and brings you down. In fact it sounds like she likes bringing you down.

My parents don't know me. They have me stuck at around 14.
So much so that they haven't spoken to me for coming onto 3 years. No big falling out, I just didn't want to continue making allowance for their behaviour and I guess that annoyed them.
All this to say, I understand why it would upset you because it's your mum. But still just a person. You don't need her to validate who you are, anymore than the checkout guy in Tesco iyswim.

Your mum sounds mean. You’re right, she doesn’t know who you are now, and by constantly harping back to the shy child you once were, she is trying to undermine your confidence. Don’t let her. Spend less time with her and more with your friends who know and appreciate the real you. It’s hard-she’s your mum-but you may have to accept that she’ll never give you the love you crave. And focus on not repeating her mistakes with your own children.

She sounds like she’s projecting all her continuous lack of enjoying life onto you. You’ve grown and developed and sound like a lovely person, and clearly that touches a nerve for her.

She has a narrative of you in her head which no amount of evidence is going to move.

Quite common in families

She's blaming you for everything she as a mother failed at.

I'd leave her well alone and get on with the parts of your life that make you happy and successful. You don't need anything from her.

Apart from echoing what pps have said, do you get on with your sister? Could you help her with making a friend or include her in your group sometimes?
But yeah...ignore your mum. She doesn't know you and you don't need her validation. My mum is similar.

I think some of it is because we have alot of cousins and stuff. We don't see them as such. Sometimes one of them gets engaged and everyone gets an invite. I usually decline. I think it's because I don't want to follow my mum into the party like I'm representing her. My cousin's have been raised more confident and I always feels abit stupid sat amongst it all. They dance and have fun. They have parents who support them and help them out.

I'm not sure if this is another reason but my mum has told me 2-3 times she never wanted kids. She has four of us in total over two marriages. Last week she told me she never wanted kids when we were on about something.

I have pulled back quite alot in the last six months. We probably see her once if that. There is this guilt now she's getting older. I just think with the lack of experience and emotional support she gave us she shouldnt be bashing any of us for our lives.

My eldest sister is 49 (I'm 30) she was getting alot of grief last year from my mum. She was often calling her fake and rude to the rest of us. I can remember my sister going to a horse show (she's not a horse person) she went for the atmosphere. It's local and lots of stalls etc. She sat on the grass with her friend enjoying prosecco and having a picnic. My mum's response was bluddy prosecco. Can't just have a day out got to have a drink and pretend she's something she isn't. I remember thinking. Would it make you happy if she was miserable and didn't go out.

@peanutbuttermouth yeah we get on. In my opinion (might be wrong) my sister has a lack of confidence in some ways due to the same upbringing. She's put a wall up to protect herself. She's actually always finding problems with my friends. She's never met them. But she still judges them. My friend has one child and my sister says they spoil him. She can't get her head around the fact hes just sensitive in nature. She's worked things out by me talking about them. I met one of my friends at the park. She's actually my best friend now. We weirdly had seen eachother at our baby scans. We walked past eachother after they were born and stopped to chat. We swapped numbers and never looked back. My sister thought it was weird and went on her Facebook and found fault with her husband etc. She doesn't know him either but tried to guess.

As a parent my sister is similar to mum emotionally. She's much better at activities though. She's doing a good job with the social side of raising them. They are lovely kids and they go out and about doing things and do a sport club every Saturday.

I agree that she's projecting her own issues on to you. Her comment says more about how she feels about herself than anything about you.

Your mum and your sister don't sound nice at all, Op. What do you get out of your relationship with them?

Have a read up on Childhood Emotional Neglect OP. Your mother is toxic and I would be looking to go no contact with her. Im currently reading 'running on empty' by Jonice Webb. Its about what failed to happen to you as a child and how emotional neglect affects you in adult life, plus ways to overcome it.

Your mum is horrible and toxic. You sound a lovely person, she doesn’t like the fact you and your sister are having a nice life- and is trying to put you back into that box she had you in as a child.

I would really recommend you going for some counselling with someone who specialises in childhood issues. It would help you enormously to talk to a professional about all this.

You sound lovely @curiouschlo and like you are making a good life for yourself despite your emotionally neglectful upbringing. Sadly it sounds like it's had the effect of making your sister behave the same as your mum. I asked about your sister because in my situation which was similar in some ways I got through it thanks to the support and friendship of my sister. In your case it sounds like you're doing it alone and that's fine, I admire your tenacity!

As a parent my sister is similar to mum emotionally.

Its highly likely your mother has NPD. I'd bet your sister has too.

All your live she has done her hardest to knock your confidence, why? For narc supply. To make her feel better about herself.

The way she has spoken to you is absolutely shocking. Your S and her get on well as they think in very similiar ways. As long as there are other people to get supply from, that situation could carry on.

Make no mistake though, they tolerate each other. That's all. Big family for one that didnt want kids. But all that fuel...

People like your M destroy lives.

Thank you everyone. I go through stages thinking do I need to talk to someone. Do I need help. I can feel it's not right but I feel it would be so hard to prove to other people. She's good at hiding behind humour. She's also on Facebook and will try act fun and opinionated on it. I feel like she's also doing that for shoe. If my friends tag me in things she comments underneath and I hate it. I wish she would learn when it's not her place.

I will look into that book thank you! I have one upstairs about toxic parents. But the book you have said sounds good.

My sister and I are very different. I don't see her often. She can be ok but she can put me down sometimes too.

I also know my 2nd to eldest sister has issues around my mum. She was out the picture for ages. She got closer to mum again a couple of years ago. She seemed to turn on my eldest sister to get to be mums favourite. This sister has actually commented in the past that mum can't ever like all her kids at the same time.

Its weird but I didn't even twig until I was pregnant with my first. I had this idea in my head that mum would want to shop and talk babies with me. Come to scans with me etc. But she found ways throughout my pregnancy to upset me. I found out I was having a girl and they were genuinely disappointed in me for not having a surprise. She had no desire to even look at my 4d scan. She took the piss out of me ringing her to say she was born. The dad should ring apparently and I said it like she had just landed off a plane. I think this is the point I started to notice her behaviour. I still confused five years on. It's stupid but I still doubt myself. I still think is she right. Has she got a point. I wish I didn't feel this way.

That's because you are mired in the FOG. Its surprising how the first child really brings up mother issues.

OP, she is beyond awful. Beyond. I dont know how you've stuck it for so long actually.

All those things she is saying to you about yourself, they are how she feels about herself. My mother does this too and it got a lot easier to deal with when I realized that she was expressing her own feelings.

Yup projection.

Decent people just dont talk like that. If they do it's usually under provocation or stress. And isolated.

Op, your mum is the problem. You sound lovely and like you've turned out well despite her. You rock.

Thanks for your kind words. They are lovely. I never know what to expect when I post. It just seems sad to want your kids to fail or feel rubbish about themselves. I had my second child when I was 28 and after he was born I told myself I had to get some new clothes without my mum in my head. She comments on anyone who has thick legs. Guess who owns a pair. Me!! That's another part of me she has bashed apart. She wants us on diets and struggling to find clothes like her. I went out and got some nice colourful jumpers and jeggings. She made me feel I couldn't wear slim fit jeans for years and I had no confidence until two years ago. Now I finally feel happy in my own clothes and I have learned not to ask her what she thinks. I ordered a dress last year for a wedding. She told me she didn't like the style at all and I sent it back and didn't go to the wedding. I just felt I couldn't do it after that. Sorry I'm going on. It's actually strange we are still involved. She isn't always horrible though if that makes sense. There are alot of things she's harsh with but she can be ok. She is fairly good with the grandkids although she does the minimum to be in their lives. I've noticed she picks at my daughter abit the last year or so. She doesn't understand her attitude and so she calls her a little witch and stuff. To be honest she calls people things like that regular. My partner Hates it because sometimes we tell her something mischievous but a little cheeky. Say if she steals a biscuit and then has crumbs on her face. My mum will say the little witch. She's a sod for taking stuff without asking. I just think how often do you see her to decide these things.

Anyway I will stop as I feel I'm droning on. Thanks for helping me feel a little more normal x

Op you need to protect your daughter from your mum. She will hurt her the way that she has hurt you.

Op, you really need to protect your dd from your mother. She's denigrating and name-calling a child, just like she's done to you for years and years, and your dd will be affected by it just like you have been.

Get shot of the woman. She has done nothing to deserve your time or energy and she's incapable of loving you as you deserve. And now she's starting on your little girl. Give your dd better than you had.

And this is how precisely abuse travels down family lines.

OP You've just something REALLY shocking. Do you appreciate the depths of shocking it is?

She doesn't understand her attitude and so she calls her a little witch and stuff

This is awful

lovey, your mum is one hell of a cow, you loved her because you have to love her, she's the one who brought you up, but she truly isn't worth your love.

A mum's job is to care and to nurture. Not to subtly undermine and destroy. As an -adult- people can see what's going on from outside, if they're experienced and emotionally intelligent, but when you're in it and it's your own mum you can't.

Lovely, every one of your feelings arose out of somewhere, and that somewhere is experience. Your mum ain't done good and now she's starting to play games with your little one.

I think you need to listen to your partner and value his views here; and to take one hell of a long step back from this woman who is -not- your friend. Hard, very hard, as it is, as she's your mum