To feel my mum should know Me abit better

[Curiouschlo]

My mum raised me. Although she lacked and still lacks the ability to show love. Anything like affection or warm words would have her reaching for a sick bucket. She's honestly never told me she loves me in my whole life or given me a hug.

Going into adult hood I wasn't confident in an outgoing getting dressed up kind of way. I had the odd night out with friends but mostly I had one on one friendships and would choose meals out with a friend or the cinema. When I got my house in my early 20s I had friends around for a cuppa and a takeaway or even to just have a laugh and a bottle of wine. I always worked until I had my kids. I did retail, pharmacy and care work. Love helping people. Always been interested in working in a hospital setting and that's something I hope I can do when the kids are older. (Id need to travel for this)

Overall I don't think I'm shy! My mother sits home all week. She's never taught her kids how to be outgoing or do the normal things other families do. I know it's not essential but there isnt alot I can remember mum doing with us. She never took us to the park or cinema. Certainly never had meals out. Only on one occasion I remember her taking us for a macdonalds. My dad worked hard. They both never had a desire to go on holiday. They still say as adults it never appealed to them. So unless we went to the coast for a day an hour away or a local farm we didn't go out anywhere else. Other than garden centers.

I was definitely clueless as a teenager. Ok remember all the things my friends or colleagues were natural at. I was clueless. I declined all work meals for 5 years until my friends eñcoruaged me to do it. I was terrified of eating out at that point. Id never been taken anywhere like a pub for lunch before. I started doing it more and more.

I had my children in the last 5 years. I always felt i would be a good mum. If nothing else I felt I was good with people. I had worked in people's homes. I had advised people on health issues. I had been given certificates for my people skills through one company. I realised that I liked other people. Other people were easy to be around. Other people spoke to me without taking the pee. Other people told me i was kind. I'll always remember the warmth of the 7 elderly people I cared for before starting my family. They were the people who taught me I wasnt just a shy girl with no confidence.

My mum has always said things to me as an adult that I don't understand. I am the one that loves kids and babies. I'm the one who has a small circle of friends and has always tried to be nice. My child started school in September. I've got to know a few of the mums. We walk together. We've met up with the kids once in half term. There is plenty of messaging between us. I happily stand at the gates chatting to people. I always smile and I certainly feel confident about doing all this. This is why it really annoys me that my mum often brings up o don't like people. I dont like mixing. I am not confident etc. I hate that she sees me this way.

Her reasons behind this (I think) are I was nervous as a kid about things. I didn't like paying for stuff in a shop. I worried about going up the front in assembly for an award. In secondary school I still didn't like these things. But I have always had friends!!! Always! I spent alot of time with my friends families as a kid. Looking back it's because they gave me a hug. They took me for a picnic. They treated me to a trip to the park or let us camp in their garden. For similar reasons I stuck with my secondary school friends family too. Her mum was so kind and warm. She made us bacon sandwiches on a Saturday morning and she would be so nice to me. I think I felt happier when I wasn't at home but at the time I didn't know why.

I went through an abortion at 18. It was a horrible time. I only went through it because my parents made it all about them. I had been working 2 years at this point and would of paid my own way but they were so angry at me. They punished me for 5 weeks. They wouldnt talk to me. My blood pressure went really low and I couldnt get out of bed. I was being sick. I couldn't eat. I think I was feeling extremely low. I remember lying in bed crying. Wishing someone cared. Wishing someone one bring me a drink. When I thought it was never going to get better I booked an abortion. My mum didn't even stop hoovering. A few days before my dad was drunk and told me I could keep the baby and he would help me. I felt numb by that point. I just ignored his words and went to bed. Then on the morning if the abortion my parents didn't even get out of bed. I came back that night and no questions were asked. I put on a brave face and went up to bed. Years later my mum had the nerve to say you came home and watched Emmerdale like nothing had happened. I was absolutely in shock. How could she not realise I had had no support from them and learned I wasn't going to get any. If I had gone back in crying she wouldn't of hugged me. She would of told me to stop being so silly and I had made my choice.

I was talking to her the other day and said on passing conversation my friend was taking kalms as she was feeling intimidated at the gates. I had a chat with my friend and reassured her that she fits in fine at the gates. They are actually a nice bunch in the reception playground and i dont think there's any drama to be had. My mum's response. Well she's being silly. I said I know but she obviously can't help how she feels. Mum said well you are not exactly confident with people. You do t always like talking to people. I laughed and said mum I speak to alot of people with no problems. Speaking to people doesn't bother me at all. (it really doesnt)

Since then I have been stewing on the past. It's like I don't trust her. Does she truly believe this is who I am. Or is she bullying me because she doesn't like who I am? She is much kinder towards my sister and would happily tell me she's better with children and she's not a wimp like me. But my sister has not had any friends through motherhood. From being 18 to now (she's 32) not once has she ever had the company of a friend. Not once! She has zero people that she meets up with. She's never had a female friend. She's never anyone at school to meet up with. She's never been out for a meal or anything with a friend. I have always had 2-3 friends. I see my friends on the school runs. We meet up in the holidays too.

Sorry this is long. But it makes me feel like a stupid child knowing she is still looking at me in the wrong light. I am not who she thinks I am 😟

Your mother prefers your sister because she’s like her, you, madam are getting above your station, talking to people, well-liked, kind, popular, friendly.....who do you think you are? Your mother only likes people like herself, you with your kind, friendly ways show her up for being inadequate.

A decent person wouldn't behave like that towards anyone, never mind their own child.

Your mother is a despicable human being. Please keep her out of your life (and your DD's life). And take pride in the kind, confident person which you have made of yourself in spite of her efforts.

Thanks for your replies again! I made a decision just before my child started school that I was going to cut right back on my mum. She's probably seen my daughter 3 times in 6 months. I used to try and see her weekly. I think I chased her for a long time. I thought she would see how my auntie's treated my cousins on Facebook mad realise that's how mums should be.

I guess the reason I hang on in frustration is trying to get to the bottom of where her issues lie. I've got a male cousin. Typical happy go lucky lads lad. Always was a happy kid. Now he's an adult she likes him.she does not like his brothers she finds them miserable and whatever. I noticed she puts kisses on Facebook to my cousin. Yet she has never put a kiss after a message or comment to her own kids. She hates the whole kiss thing. I've noticed most of my family have stopped putting kisses to eachother since she has been involved on Facebook. I know it's a really petty thing but when she puts them to my cousin I think how strange. This cousin I'm on about has a wife who's got a lovely pretty natural face. She's blonde and easy to talk to. My mum told me last year she had seen her fat legs at a get together and she said so you can definitely wear a dress and come to things now and stop worrying. She was so excited to tell us that other people had wobbly bits and had dresses on. I know my mum massively lacks on confidence and struggles with clothes and style. She had a orthopedic issue that means she can't wear heels or run about and walks with crutches. I wonder sometimes if this has shaped her. But then I think even so she could get a taxi to my house one day and come for dinner. She chooses not too. She expects us to go to her all the time. My eldest sister tries to take her out sometimes for lunch and has offered to go to a garden center and my mum won't go. She has to be home in her head to make tea. She can't go out her routine. She said it's the whole afternoon gone if she goes there. I bite my tongue but I want to say you should be happy to get out for once and enjoy the change. Being home all day definitely makes her a negative person. She's always noticing what the neighbours are doing and moaning about people parking outside.

I know it sounds daft but I feel scared and guilty that she's getting old. Will I regret one day being so upset by her. Am I wrong to think other people's mums are warm and proud and supportive. My mum can be nice and talk nice. She likes modern music and watches a variety of things. She just can't stop being negative. Even if I try a new recipe she's very much like hope nobody gets sick. Or thatl give the toddler a bad nappy. I just don't think she can handle hearing us doing things

I do agree she prefers my sister. They are definitely irritating to be around together. Separately they are okish. My sister was the only child she planned. My sister also does more for her. She's very tolerant of mums personality and will defend her to an extent. She has told me I've had a chip on my shoulder in the past. But she soon comes to me if mum says something to upset my sister or if my sister's partner isn't happy with something mum and dad have said. I admit she's helped mum out more the last couple of years after an operation. But my kids are now two and nearly five. So they were very young and I was no help as you can't clean a house with a baby and toddler on the way.

My final thing is they act like they love my kids and want to be Grandparents. Yet they have never offered anything in terms of a relationship with my kids. They have taken my sister's kids out and about. Not mine as of yet. Some of this is because my sister's skint to be fair. They don't even offer the simple things. Like bring them round Saturday afternoon and we will watch them for a couple of hours. Never take them for a walk. Never invite them for tea. They are very tidy people and therefore they have a couple of baby toys in the wardrobe and that's it. We've suggested things for them to do but there's never any room. My eldest just gets bored up there.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and reply. It does help!

I had a tricky mother growing up, resentful of anything I achieved, subtle knock downs, lack of support when my dad was being critical

All in all an under-the-radar exercise in how to break someone’s confidence and self esteem which in turn created knock on events.

When I married I fell into a all but dammit terminal depression, only just survived- clearly there was a disconnect with the marriage I saw growing up and real life/my own marriage.

When I became a parent it was another succession of awful realisations.

I’d become conditioned to the chipping away of my own happiness/strength by my family but it was when the stuff started happening to my child was when I drew the line.

I urge you to listen to people here, listen to your dp and put some serious distance between you and your family and that woman who gave birth to you.

You had nobody to protect you, your daughter has you. Make it count

(((Hug))) it’s awful, I know. Have you looked for the Stately Homes thread on here? It’ll really help you work through your feelings and keep you strong

Oh and FOG - aka Fear Obligation and Guilt - that’s what’s going on here.

She has other daughters, let them do the hard work and you do the better job of creating a happy childhood for your dc.

Your mum is awful.
Seriously awful.