Asking for space or a break or god knows

[Babynumber2dueNov]

Hi all,
Have posted before about my DH and how logically I know the relationship isn’t right but it’s just heart breaking to let go of 12 years.
We’ve two DC- 3y and 3 months and DH has been trying massively with his MH issues (OCD and depression), taking meds and due to start counselling this month, but I just can’t stand what I can only see as control and emotional abuse. Today alone he’s made me repeat a request several times until I’d ‘said it right’ as apparently he didn’t understand (please could you grab the charger and plug it in so I can watch the iPad while I BF?... didn’t understand I needed him to plug in the iPad and stood asking me to rephrase until I said exactly ‘please plug in the iPad). He then later wouldn’t accept he’d made an issue, called me a bitch several times and ignored me. When he decided his mood was over he threw a toy at my head to get my attention. We’re quite jokey like that but it was inappropriate at the time. He then got ridiculously drunk at an event, embarrassing me and himself, again calling me a bitch, mimicking me saying this is abusive and denying he’d drunk. He drove us there when I was questioning if he should drive, him denying drinking and then by the time we arrived it became clear he’d drunk far too much so had seriously put me in danger. I’m so angry and heartbroken and I need the strength to say no more.
I can’t move out with our DC as I’m on MAT leave and we’re tied into the house for another 1.5 years. I’m hoping to say let’s just take a step back and live separately within the same house for a while. See how that goes. We can arrange which days we each have the kids and then just stay away from each other in the other times. God is this crazy? I’m exhausted and scared and sad and just can’t see another way out. Has anyone ever been there?

Anyone? Sorry to pester, I feel sick with nerves and can’t sleep

I’m sorry to hear that you are suffering.
You do need to consider leaving him.
From your post he sounds highly controlling and dangerous to be in a car with.
I’d ask why you got into a car with him giving that he’d been drinking but that’s another question.
For your children’s sake - is it safe to carry on?
I mean fuck the house situation- you can’t put yourself and your children at the mercy of this guy.
Limited experience here but OCD and general MH (depression/anxiety) doesn’t turn someone into a controlling cunt.
He sounds absolutely vile.

Thanks. I think everyone must think this but we’ve been together so long I’ve just become accustomed to it. I got in the car as I thought it was a medication making him a bit odd but no, he was just being a selfish twat, thinking only of what he wanted or needed. Every memory I have of our life together comes with a bad moment in the day, a mood or a snapped sentence, his OCD kicking off before we’ve left or him saying something horrid. Why have I done this to myself? Fuck.

He may have MH issues but he is also abusive. I am sorry as that example with charger is horrible, almost as if he is training you or trying to get you react.

Do you have family support?

Is it really OCD or is it control?

Does he have OCD rituals and routines he has to do in daily life - like at work? Or is he only OCD at home with you?

No, it’s proper OCD, stemming from abuse as a child. He’s on medication for it which was working and things were getting better but it’s gone downhill again and I just can’t stand the power play. He’s not been like that with the charger before, but lots of manipulation and gaslighting. To the point where I’ve said ‘this is GASLIGHTING’ and he understands what it is and has even acknowledged he’s done it before. God I feel sick. I have my parents and a good friend but feel very alone right now. It’s the jump where there’s no return. If I tell people how bad things are then that’s it isn’t it? So sad and scared

Think of someone you love and care about. Now read back your post imagining it’s them that has written it, what advice would you give them? I think you know yourself you need to get out of this. Having a break being in the same house isn’t going to work as he still has access to you. So sorry this is happening.

You can't live like this. Tell your parents and the friend. It is hard to draw a line under 12 years; it will be even harder to get out after 15 or 20. Please don't stay in a dangerous situation because of a mortgage; get out and sort out the practicalities later. Are you sure you even want him to have access to the children? He sounds completely untrustworthy. If you go to your parents tonight/first thing in the morning, you will be safe and peaceful this time tomorrow; if you don't, you'll still be feeling like this. First step is the hardest, the next one will be easier.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3772360-Support-thread-trapped-in-an-unhappy-relationship-and-can-t-leave-can-t-leave-yet

I think you might find this thread helpful op.

I'm also in an unhappy relationship and spoke to my partner about separating but remaining under the same roof until my health is better and I can work/save the money I need to leave. He really didn't take to the idea well at all and was unbearable to live with. So we are currently "trying to make things work" but in all honesty I don't think they can or will, or that I want them to.

Anyway, I agree with a pp that you can't live like this. Whatever the reasons may be, he is being abusive and that's not fair on you. Speak to your parents and speak to your friend - though some advice from my own experience: be prepared for people to suggest ways to fix the relationship, like counselling and so on. They might do that and if they do, they probably mean well, but it might not necessarily be the right thing for you, or what you want to hear.

Thank you all
So much. I think I know roughly
What I’m going to say. I’ve tried this before and he’s pushed back hard, but it has to be done.

I would say he has many issues which mean he can't/ isn't coping with day to day life. This is causing his problems but instead of accepting that and facing it and getting the large amount of help he needs he is taking his anger/ failures /fears out on you. Making you the problem.
I would get right away from him, can you stay with your DPs.

Its abuse. And it will only get worse.

I also wonder if its OCD properly. A diagnosis means nothing. Drs are very easy to fool and especially if the patient is cunning and manipulative. Which he is.

You are tired because of the manipulations the FOG and because you have children.

Something else may be happening too. He may well be deliberately disturbing your sleep. We talk a lot about the effects abuse has on the mind but it can also incite other low level health complaints such as TATT.

So, you need to leave but if you're not there yet then at least insist on separate sleeping arrangements. That will help a bit. Once completely separate you'll be amazed how they just...disappear!

Baby steps.

OP
So much of your situation resonates with me. My exh and I were together 20 years. But I felt like he wanted out at least the last five of the relationship. But we had two young dc and I really loved him. He had MH issues and trauma from his childhood. I got the ' I need my space ' . Ashamed to say I begged and pleaded.. went through the whole trauma bonding... he went anyway.
After getting counselling for myself and 4 years down the line.. I can't believe I put myself and worse our dcs through all that.
He went on to have number of failed relationships.. that hurt. Now at 44 is in bedstter land. But I'm stronger and so much happier without him. And so are the dcs.. who he rarely sees.
Obviously all of us have different experiences but I can say although the thought of being alone when you have young kids is scary .. 20 years with someone this ill/abusive/ selfish is worse. Get RL hell and worry about YOU and DCs. Good luck.

If I tell people how bad things are then that’s it isn’t it? So sad and scared

That’s your first step to being free.

I always raise an eyebrow when I hear that men who are emotionally abusive have OCD. It’s never turning on light switches a hundred times before entering a room, or compulsive hand washing. It’s more usually their insistence that the house is kept to an impossible standard of cleanliness by their wives or partners. Which reads like more control to me.

I think you should leave this relationship as soon as you can safely do so.

Yes! RUOKHon! Yes.

I have a friend at the moment and her DH is pulling the same stunt. Verbally abusive and negging her on how to do the washing up, correctly. OCD and autistic! No, hes a narc. The way he grimaces in pictures of them. Ir teases his nicest and nephews.

And she cannot see it. She too is in the FOG.

The OCD and depression are clearly issues, and you can have compassion for what he experienced as a child to cause these issues. But I've had OCD (currently in remission though aware it could reappear at any time) and have never treated anyone like that because of it. It sounds like you need to accept that as well as having MH issues, he is also abusive, and THAT is why you leave him. You're not leaving someone because of their struggles; you're leaving because he abuses you, puts you and your child in danger willingly, and is not making you happy.

Please do this, for your child if not for you. I was raised with an emotionally/verbally abusive father and am still in therapy at 31 because of it.

TrueRefuge

Sorry to hear that. Can I ask if Therapy is making a difference?

You can do this. Yes it’s hard, but trust me that you’ll feel amazing for it one day. I am in the process of separating from my man child. We have an 18 month old son. He never wanted him and he swings between a doting dad and a complete arsehole. This morning our son was having breakfast, I asked him to watch son for 10 minutes whilst I had a shower (man child is out for the day doing a 4.5 hour round trip to go to a running shop) it’s just his style. Anyway, less than 1 minute after I’ve left the room son is screaming and hysterical. I run back down and man child is shouting at him for knocking over his milk. We then argue as I hate how he speaks to him with zero patience. It just further justifies the separation.
I have the removals people coming 22nd Feb and I cannot wait.
We have tried the living together thing and it really doesn’t work. If you want to leave, and I feel you do by talking about it in here, then you have to speak to friends and family for support and then do it, no going back x

Consider a refuge or moving in with family.

@Babynumber2dueNov I’m exhausted and scared and sad and just can’t see another way out. Has anyone ever been there.
Yes I'm there. No useful advice because I haven't managed to find a way out yet.

On the support thread mentioned by @CannaeBelieveItsNot, there are a lot of us with similar issues. I've found it really helpful.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3772360-Support-thread-trapped-in-an-unhappy-relationship-and-can-t-leave-can-t-leave-yet